\u201cSay you\u2019re sorry,\u201d Cara\u2019s mom was repeating. \u201cYou have to sit here until you can say you\u2019re sorry.\u201d Cara was determined to out-wait her mom, and her mom, who knew the importance of following through to teach obedience, was beginning to wish she hadn\u2019t made the demand. She had just put herself in a no-win situation. Finally, the mom said, putting her arm around Cara, \u201cCome with me, and I\u2019ll apologize for you, because I think that will make your friend feel better.\u201d <\/p>\n
There are many times in parenting when we are anxious to have our child do the right thing, but inadvertently find ourselves caught in a power struggle. It\u2019s important for the parent to exercise authority and expect obedience, but power struggles teach resistance to the very practice we\u2019re trying to encourage. <\/p>\n
There are certain areas in which the child can always have the last word and it\u2019s fruitless to lock horns in these areas. A parent can\u2019t force a child to go to sleep, to eat, to use the toilet, or to say what he doesn\u2019t want to say. That\u2019s why these are key areas for discipline problem-solving. <\/p>\n
Have you ever found yourself making any of these practically unenforceable statements? \u201cYou can\u2019t leave the table until you take that bite.\u201d \u201cIf you don\u2019t take a nap, we\u2019ll have to call off your party tonight.\u201d \u201cKeep your pants clean or else\u2026\u201d \u201cSay please, or he won\u2019t give it to you.\u201d <\/p>\n
Let\u2019s look at some alternatives. The key is to see what the real learning goal is. Is it not to have the child want<\/b><\/i> to do what is right, rather than just to perform or obey? Generally, the more force or human will that is used, the more resistance may appear. It\u2019s helpful to see that we\u2019re not mediating one human will against another, but both seeking the divine will to obey. <\/p>\n
Often prayer is the very best answer. This is particularly true in the case of power struggles. Here is an example: <\/p>\n
A mother reported that her child, nearing three, was potty trained but continued to squat in the corner to do his movements in his pants or a diaper. She had done everything she could think of to do \u2013 offer rewards, make him help clean up the mess, talk to him about the need to be grown up. She wondered if it would help to withhold desired activities that his siblings did, because he was not showing that he was big enough. <\/p>\n
The question was explored, \u201cWhat does he need to learn?\u201d It came out that perhaps this was a power struggle he felt he needed to win. If that was the case would withholding activities intensify or reduce the power struggle? The mother decided to eliminate the struggle and not scold him when he dirtied his pants. He could wear diapers if he wanted. She told him that when he felt bigger and was ready, he would use the potty. And she prayed to see that he was under God\u2019s control, not governed by human will.<\/p>\n
One night shortly after, he was ill; and as he was nearing his third birthday, it came to her to pray to see his spiritual, immortal nature. She prayed until she felt a sense of peace about his God-given perfection. The next morning, he was completely well, and he came to her and said, \u201cPotty, mommy.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cWhere?\u201d she asked, looking around. He took her to the toilet and proudly showed her where he had done his movement. <\/p>\n
If the issue is not a power struggle, other approaches may be appropriate. One possibility is a temporary reward plan that helps your child get over the hump to see that using the potty can be a better way. The action will vary according to what the child needs to learn. <\/p>\n
What are some ways of helping a child want to use gracious words? Of course the most important way is to be an example when talking to the child and to others in his presence. Then let him know how you and others appreciate gracious words. And, when you talk to your child, be sure to bend down to his level and talk eye-to-eye<\/i>.
\n\u2022 \u201cDid you see Sara smile when you said, \u201cthank you\u201d? (or when I said \u2018thank you\u2019)? That\u2019s a gracious thing to say.\u201d
\n\u2022 \u201cI like it when you say \u2018please.\u2019 I feel like helping you right away.\u201d
\n\u2022 With an arm around both children, \u201cJustin\u2019s crying because you pushed him. What can we do to make him feel better?\u201d You may need to suggest a gentle hug or say, \u201cThere are some words that will help. \u2018Justin, we\u2019re sorry Cara pushed you. I don\u2019t think she wanted to hurt you. I know she\u2019ll try to use her gentle hands after this.\u2019\u201d <\/p>\n
Power struggles can be prevented if you remember clearly the goal. Here are some probable goals in key areas: <\/p>\n
Power struggles will diminish when we see that the object of discipline is to teach the child, not punish him. Punishment flaunts the parents\u2019 power over the child, whereas natural and logical consequences help the child feel responsible for his actions. The way a request is stated can make the difference. This is an example of punishment: \u201cI can\u2019t stand that noise! Go to your room!\u201d This is a logical consequence: \u201cWe need to have it quiet here. You may be quiet and stay here or go to your room to make noise. Which do you choose?\u201d The parent will need to follow through in either case and take the child to his room if he continues to make noise, but in the latter case the child would be told, \u201cI see you\u2019re choosing to make noise in your room. We love to have you with us. You may come back when you\u2019re ready to be quiet.\u201d With punishment, the child feels you are against him; with logical consequences, the child feels that you are on his side against the wrong-doing. <\/p>\n
A better start to the preceding scenario might have been to say in the beginning in a very soft voice, \u201cWe\u2019re having an important conversation here. I know you\u2019ll play quietly with these toys.\u201d Then give him positive attention from time to time appreciating his ability to play quietly. Stating the expectations and then encouraging cooperation, generally prevents the need for consequences. <\/p>\n
If we fly off the handle and say or do something we wish we hadn\u2019t (and we do from time to time), we can still teach the child by modeling humility and apologizing. We won\u2019t back down on enforcing appropriate limits, but we can help the child learn how to make amends, restate calmly the expectation, and end with a hug. <\/p>\n
If used too frequently and arbitrarily, rewards can emphasize an adult\u2019s power. Likewise, encouragement rather than praise empowers the child. For instance, \u201cI like the way you are doing that\u201d (praise) is better than the global, \u201cGood boy!\u201d or \u201cGood girl!\u201d but if overused, may imply to the child that he is behaving just to please us. \u201cYou really managed that well!\u201d or \u201cYou worked hard to finish that puzzle!\u201d gives encouragement without strings attached. <\/p>\n
Manipulation on the part of either the parent or the child is exercising power, and a power struggle may ensue. The adult must exercise authority, but the power should come from principle rather than will. The child can understand if the parent wants to do what is \u201cright,\u201d and children take comfort from the consistent enforcement of fair rules. <\/p>\n
The statement to a child, \u201cI love you, so I want to help you do what\u2019s right,\u201d helps him to understand our role as parent. Power struggles are avoided as we eliminate anger by seeing our need to teach, to love, and to hold the child firmly to right actions.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u201cSay you\u2019re sorry,\u201d Cara\u2019s mom was repeating. \u201cYou have to sit here until you can say you\u2019re sorry.\u201d Cara was determined to out-wait her mom, and her mom, who knew the importance of following through to teach obedience, was beginning to wish she hadn\u2019t made the demand. She had just put herself in a no-win … <\/p>\n