By Mildred E. Cawlfield<\/p>\n
The trickiest part of parenting is deciding when to set and enforce rules with children and when to give opportunities for independence and initiative. Parents have more experience and broader perspectives than a child, so they should set reasonable limits for children’s behavior and follow through consistently to enforce them. Failure to do this can result in an overindulged child who isn’t pleasant to live with. On the other hand, if there are too many rules, a child lacks the opportunity to become responsible and to think for himself. <\/p>\n
Sometimes at Acorn seminars parents share ideas of rules they feel are important for young children and also what choices they give children in various areas. Probably the area of greatest divergence among parents is limit- or rule-setting, because we all have slightly different expectations of children based on our own experience and understanding of children’s capabilities. The best rules are ones that are in keeping with the child’s present capabilities and can be enforced consistently. <\/p>\n
For instance, to insist that a one-year-old be toilet trained, or that a two-year-old sit quietly with “good manners” through a formal hour-long meal, will lead to a stressful situation. Whereas a parent can reasonably expect and teach a toddler to sit down while he eats and not to climb on tables or throw food or hard objects. The parent sees that the child obeys (if necessary moving him physically, lovingly but firmly) while stating the rule. (“We sit down to eat.” “Tables are not for climbing.” “Balls are for throwing.”) Remember that praise of good behavior is the most effective learning procedure. <\/p>\n
In the latter part of the second year, the one-year-old learns that he has some ideas of his own that differ from his parents’. He takes delight in communicating these ideas and trying them out. It’s important for him to learn then and throughout childhood that some of these ideas are fine and others are not. The most important job of the parent is to help him see which ideas help him fit well into the family — or society — and which ones need to be eliminated or modified. <\/p>\n
To help with this process, it’s good to think through your expectations and also what choices you can give the child in various situations. Remember that your decision must seem right to you, and will vary from home to home. It’s important not to let a child manipulate or dominate you. If a child wants a choice that’s not offered, the parent simply says, “That’s not a choice.” These expectations and choices will change as the child grows older. <\/p>\n
Bedtime<\/b><\/u>
\nCommon expectations<\/b> of parents:
\n\u2022 The parent decides when and where bedtime is to be, taking into consideration the child’s readiness and need for sleep.
\n\u2022 The child is to be dressed appropriately for bed and have necessary preparations made – teeth brushed, drinks taken and toilet needs met.
\n\u2022 Parents establish a bedtime routine they can live with. <\/p>\n
Possible choices<\/b> for children:
\n\u2022 Which stuffed animal to take to bed.
\n\u2022 Which pajamas to wear.
\n\u2022 What story to listen to.
\n\u2022 How to go to bed (walk, tiptoe, hop, piggyback ride, etc.). <\/p>\n
Mealtime<\/b>
\n<\/u>Expectations:<\/b>
\n\u2022 We sit down when we eat. When we leave the table, it means we’re finished.
\n\u2022 We wash our hands before and after eating.
\n\u2022 We eat nicely so others will want to be with us. (The definition of “nicely” varies with the age of the child.)
\n\u2022 We eat at regular periods. (a regular snack time may be included.)
\n\u2022 We don’t eat sweets between meals.
\n\u2022 The child takes responsibility for eating and feeding himself after age two, having gradually gained the needed skills during the previous year.
\n\u2022 We try to take a taste of every food offered. Some food should be available at every meal that you know your child will eat. (Note: the receptivity to foods should be strongly encouraged, but can’t be forced. Forced eating merely reinforces a child’s conviction of his tastes.)
\n\u2022 Small portions will be served and seconds offered.
\n\u2022 We clear our plates off the table. <\/p>\n
Choices:<\/b>
\n\u2022 Some food choices — which breakfast cereal, which way to fix eggs, which kind of sandwich at lunchtime, etc.
\n\u2022 Which way to help the cook before dinner (deciding between choices given).
\n\u2022 If choices are available, which spoon, cup, plate, or napkin to use.
\n\u2022 Which food to eat first (trying the least preferred food, when hungry, aids receptivity.) \u2022 Whether to have a second helping or not. <\/p>\n
Dressing<\/b><\/u>
\nExpectations:<\/b>
\n\u2022 We wear clothes appropriate to the occasion and the temperature. (Parents, because of their experience, determine this, but must be in tune with the child’s temperature needs. Sometimes the impersonal authority of the thermometer helps the child understand the ruling.)
\n\u2022 The general rule may be supported by more specific ones such as: A certain kind of clothes and shoes are worn to church; another kind are for play, etc.
\n\u2022 The parents may determine when the child should be dressed (i.e. before breakfast, etc.) \u2022 Clothes are to be hung up or put in the laundry — not on the floor.
\n\u2022 If favorite clothes are in the laundry, the child must wait until the next regular laundry time to have them again. (Doing extra daily laundry to satisfy dressing whims doesn’t give a child the proper perspective of his rights in relation to others’.) <\/p>\n
Choices:<\/b>
\n\u2022 Which of two or three appropriate outfits to wear.
\n\u2022 Which hook to hang clothes on. \u2022 What accessories to wear with clothes.
\n\u2022 Whether or not to have special play dress-up times using specified clothing. <\/p>\n
In Social Situations<\/b><\/u>
\nExpectations:<\/b>
\n\u2022 We use gentle hands and feet with our friends.
\n\u2022 We use words, not unkind actions, to communicate our feelings and desires.
\n\u2022 If we’ve made someone unhappy, we have the responsibility for helping him be happy again.
\n\u2022 If we want something, we ask nicely for it or ask for a turn with it. \u2022 If someone wants something we have, we explain what we’re doing with it, and when we’re finished, we give him a turn. <\/p>\n
Choices:<\/b>
\n\u2022 What friends to play with (in some cases).
\n\u2022 What toys (that we don’t want to share) to put away before friends come to our house.
\n\u2022 What toys to take to our friend’s house to share.
\n\u2022 What toys to play with that someone else isn’t using. <\/p>\n
You may wish to add to or subtract from this list when starting your own. The child will learn and follow the rules if those adults caring for him agree and enforce them consistently. Though there will always be some variation, this is an important goal to strive for. Be assured that your child can understand some inconsistencies of rules as they vary from one place to another. Children are remarkably perceptive in determining what the limits are in each setting. They will take their cue from you! <\/p>\n
“It takes courage to train our children in the things which most thoroughly make for happiness. Obedience, unselfishness, consideration, self-sacrifice, thoroughness, accuracy, and honesty are not acquired without real striving. And yet they are essential to successful living.”<\/i> (E.A.P. p. 27)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By Mildred E. Cawlfield The trickiest part of parenting is deciding when to set and enforce rules with children and when to give opportunities for independence and initiative. Parents have more experience and broader perspectives than a child, so they should set reasonable limits for children’s behavior and follow through consistently to enforce them. Failure … <\/p>\n