Category: Spiritually-Based Resources

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A Good Start for Babies

by Mildred E. Cawlfield

When new babies arrive, they usually already know how to eat and sleep. They let us know when they’re hungry and when they are full. Parents learn to listen to know when the cry means hunger or some other need. They gradually help the baby get into a predictable schedule. A new baby will often go to sleep soon after starting a feeding. In that case, the parent can try to waken the baby by gently washing his face with cool water on a soft cloth or cotton swab. 

Eating problems can start after the first couple of months if the parent tries to get the baby to take a little more after he is full, by jiggling the nipple in his mouth or by moving him around and trying to burp him frequently. If a bottle-fed baby is taking only two or three ounces every two hours, there is a need to lengthen the time between feedings and increase the amount of formula. If the baby drains a four-ounce bottle, more should be offered at the feeding and the times between feedings will lengthen. 

A nursing baby as he grows and gets hungrier will increase the amount of mother’s milk by having days of wanting to eat more frequently. If the mother understands this and feeds him more frequently, the supply is increased and the baby goes back to longer stretches between feedings. 

The parent shouldn’t take away from the child the major responsibility for eating, by trying to get him to eat more than he wants. If the child turns his head away or indicates he doesn’t want to eat, he shouldn’t be forced or tricked into eating. This leads to resistance and lack of trust. 

Sleeping problems can start if the parents take away from the baby the responsibility for going to sleep by making themselves a part of the going-to-sleep process. If a child is accustomed to having the parent give a bottle or nurse, rock, or put a pacifier in his mouth in order to get to sleep, then he may be unable to return to sleep on his own when he awakens in the night. 

An older baby is capable of getting enough food during the day. Awakening in the night for food to get back to sleep is merely a habit. 

If parents have already made themselves part of the going-to-sleep process, and a baby of six or seven months or older is awakening in the night, it will take some fortitude to help the child learn to go to sleep alone, but it can be accomplished in less than a week. Put the baby down after a little routine, such as a song or prayer, and gently pat him down. Then leave the room. If he cries, which he will probably do, return after a few minutes and put him down again with a reassuring pat, and leave again. Lengthen the time of returning up to fifteen minutes between visits, but be sure not to stay with the baby until he falls asleep. If you give in and hold or feed the baby until he is asleep, you will have to start the learning process again. You can support the process with your prayers, and be assured that the crying periods will quickly shorten. The baby will soon learn how to get to sleep alone, and you will no longer be needed in the night to get him back to sleep. He will happily exercise his responsibility in that area. 

Regular toilet training doesn’t start until a child is around two years old. However, a parent may put a baby on a little potty seat on the toilet for bowel movements from as early as ten or eleven months, if the child is regular and shows some indication when starting to have a movement. This can be easier than changing a diaper, and if the baby is not pressured it can be a happy lead-in to regular toilet training. The parent should stay with a child when he is on the potty, talk or read books, and acknowledge when elimination occurs. No disappointment or indication of failure should be voiced if the movements are missed. This procedure may need to be dropped for periods when there seems to be no regularity, but can be picked up again when regularity returns. The responsibility will be the parents until the child is around two and ready for urine training. But if these daily potty stops are a time of enjoyable attention from the parent and are successful, cooperation is more likely and natural later for regular toilet training. 

These tips can prevent later problems in the areas of eating, sleeping, and toilet training. An important consideration, however, is to maintain a calm, matter-of-fact attitude about natural functions. 

It is necessary to demand that the will of Principle, not person, be done, and to see that all training tends in this direction. (E.A.P. p. 14)

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Safety Begins with God

Safety regulations seem to be constantly changing and being revised to ensure that our children grow up in a protected and safe environment. But as parents, we know that safety begins with trusting in God’s protecting power. It is helpful to know that God is the universal and divine Parent of all. Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy states, “Love, the divine Principle, is the Father and Mother of the universe, including man” (p. 256). True safety and security for our children rest on the practical understanding that God is the loving and eternal Parent of man.

Safety always starts in thought and begins with faith in knowing the ever-present protecting influence of God. The Bible is full of demonstrations which bear witness to the fact that safety is spiritual. To mention but a few: Noah was safe from the peril of the flood; the children of Israel were safe both in captivity in Egypt and as they traveled through the wilderness; Daniel was safe in the lions’ den; the three young Hebrew captives came forth from the blazing furnace unharmed. If, therefore, an active consciousness of God’s presence has protected us in one instance, it will protect us in all. Many today through their understanding of God are experiencing similar proofs of deliverance and safety. The promises set forth in the song of safety, the ninety-first Psalm, are fulfilled now and always: “He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.”

It is important to be conscious of and take part in each child’s spiritual development. However, understanding that God is the true Parent of our children does not lessen an individual parent’s responsibility to provide a safe and secure environment. Parents need to take practical steps, as well, to keep their children safe, and appropriate laws should be enforced to ensure the highest degree of protection for our children.

As infants begin to move around and start crawling, their curiosity increases as does their interest in exploring. Allowing your baby to explore the home environment provides new learning opportunities. However, it is important to take a look around your home with safety in mind. Look at each room from your child’s eye level and safety proof any areas where your baby can go. We need to look thoughtfully at the physical environment in terms of our children’s current skills and interests, and work to eliminate any possible hazards. Young children need constant supervision, and the more children in a group, the more supervision is needed.

Rules that ensure safety can be provided as children grow and the need becomes apparent. For example, parents can limit the number of children on a climber and how high to climb. Children can be taught the boundaries of their yard and to play within those boundaries. They can learn to ride tricycles in the driveway and when to turn around and come back. The rule can be stated as simply as, “Cars go in the street; we ride our trikes in our driveway.”

Holding a parent’s hand in a parking lot and when crossing the street is an important rule to establish as soon as your child is walking. Practice looking both ways with your child before crossing the street so that it becomes automatic. When your child is older and is able to cross the street independently, he will remember to look both ways before entering the street. Other rules that need to be carefully thought through and taught as your child grows include:

  • how to answer the telephone—not giving too much information to the caller
  • how to use technology
  • when and how to be guarded with strangers—not getting into a stranger’s car without permission from parents.

As safety rules are taught and put into place, the rules need to be consistently followed and enforced. If your child later tests a rule, he made need an appropriate consequence as a reminder about the importance of following the safety rule. You can use your prayerful intuition to find words to let your children know why they should follow rules of safety. As we are watchful, keeping an eye on safety and gaining control of our thoughts and actions through love and not through fear, helps our children form habits that lead to safety in their lives.

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Teaching Our Children Spiritual and Moral Values

Adapted from Mildred Cawlfield’s article, “Moral and Spiritual Values: Can They Be Taught?”

Principia’s founder, Mary Kimball Morgan states:

“In childhood, it is essential that right habits of thought become established – honesty, truthfulness, unselfishness, industry, thoroughness, perseverance, loving-kindness, and all noble qualities which make for Christian character.  ‘The corner-stone of all spiritual building is purity’ (Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy p. 241).  Helping our children to love and express all that is pure and good requires us to keep very close to them and to seek divine wisdom constantly in our association with them.”  (Education at The Principia p. 21)

 
As Christian Scientists, we understand the importance of teaching high moral standards to our young children. A child can learn the joy of being honest, patient, selfless, gracious, and obedient. Being an example for your child is the most important way to teach spiritual and moral values. Children also learn spiritual values as they attend Sunday School on a regular basis. Some families find it prosperous to include time in their daily schedules for spiritual and moral nourishment with their children. Together, qualities such as truth and love are talked about and ideas are shared as to how they can be practiced and applied during the day. Reading bible stories from children’s bibles and books such as God’s Gifts or Who’s Afraid, Not You!, singing hymns and discussing the inspiration found in them, sharing stories that emphasize spiritual qualities, and memorizing simple truths from The Holy Bible and Mrs. Eddy’s writings are wonderful tools to use on a daily basis with your children. Keeping these experiences short, simple, and engaging for the child will not only yield valuable learning experiences, but will also create memorable, happy, and inspiring togetherness as a family.
 
Challenges can be discussed and examined more objectively during these special times together.  Children have had time to calm down, are ready to listen to spiritual truths, and are receptive to spiritual solutions. More effective teaching takes place when children and adults are composed and emotions are not involved.  For example, a mother was distressed about frequent arguments which seemed to arise between her two young children.  She had talked to them and had used methods such as having the children talk through the problem and working to seek a peaceful solution, separating them, and even on occasion, just letting them “fight” it out – which didn’t seem to solve anything!  Finally, the mother decided to use these incidents as examples during the family’s inspiration time and apply the tools to help solve the problems and teach spiritual lessons. The children talked about how they felt when they were arguing, what they were arguing about, and shared ideas on how they could handle things differently the next time. They studied relatable stories from The Bible such as Nehemiah refusing to leave his work in spite of taunts from the enemy. This helped them see that real strength and courage is shown when one prevents a fight from happening, avoids an argument, is loving towards their neighbor, and practices the Golden Rule.
 
After having this spiritual lesson time together, the parents would comment on the children’s strength or courage when they observed the children defusing a conflict and expressing genuine brotherly or sisterly love towards one another. The children realized they were much happier, too!
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Sibling Friendship

sibling

Written by Mildred Cawlfield

As the Acorn two-year-olds were departing after a morning school experience, some carried remaining treats of fruit pieces in cups. Eric leaned over and peered into his twin brother’s cup. 

“Ah gone,” said Tom, holding his cup up for his brother to see. 

Spontaneously Eric reached into his own cup, took out some pieces, and put them into his brother’s. Both grinned as they walked out munching their treats. 

This natural brotherly affection can be the norm when we reject the belief that siblings must be rivals. Despite that widely accepted, self-fulfilling belief, brothers and sisters can be the best of friends.

Before the birth of our second child, I had been convinced of the inevitability of sibling jealousy, so I expected it and prepared for it. After the younger son came, I at first consciously withheld affection from him in the presence of the older son because of this expectation. And, of course, I saw the jealousy I was looking for. 

Fortunately, since love, peace, and harmony were valued in our home, the sense of rivalry was overcome and the boys became close friends. 

Several years later, with two more children, we had an opportunity to replay the opening scenes of the sibling drama. This time I saw that the affection I expressed for the little one in the presence of the older child became a model for him. Obviously, the baby was a new family member to be cherished and our older child fulfilled our expectations as a loving brother. 

Adjusting to a new family member is a learning experience for an older child, as well as for the parents. You can prepare the older child by talking about friends of his who have a baby brother or sister, and tell him, “Now it’s time for us to have a larger family.” You can help the child see that it will be a promotion, to be a big brother or sister – one which will include some special privileges, too, like being able to help push the stroller or stay up an extra half-hour. 

If there is too much talk about the baby months before its appearance, however, the wait can seem interminable to a two or three-year old, so save most of it for the month or two before baby’s arrival. 

Make any changes, such as moving the older child to a big bed, well in advance of the birth. Explain (in this case) that he is now big enough for a big bed, rather than that the crib is needed for the baby. 

After the baby comes, show the older child pictures of himself as a baby. Tell him how he used to wear diapers but now he can use the toilet and gets to wear big-boy pants. Tell him that he couldn’t talk to you then and tell you what he wanted, as he can now, and that he just cried when he needed something – that when he was a baby he had to stay wherever you put him, so you tried to find happy places for him to be, but now he can walk and run wherever he wants to go. Let him know that you took care of him just as you now care for the baby and that the baby will grow like he is and will later be able to play with him. 

Be sure to point out that baby’s admiration for his big brother or sister when the infant is watching. For instance, “See her watch you. She thinks it’s great the way you can run and walk and eat all by yourself.” 

An older child has an opportunity to learn selflessness and patience while he waits for baby’s needs to be met. He also should know that the baby himself will learn patience. At a time when nothing more needs to be done for the baby, you can say, so that big brother can hear, “Baby, you’ll have to be patient now. Johnny needs me.” 

Your older child can learn to be gentle with the baby. Talk to him about using his gentle hands; tell him that he is strong and mustn’t use all his strength when he hugs baby, just as Daddy doesn’t use all of his strength when he hugs. Gentleness is holding strength in reserve. 

When children are close in age, it’s best not to establish ownership of all toys or to try to have two of everything. Each child may have a few very special things of his own, like a favorite stuffed toy or something for which he has a unique interest or attachment. These should be put in a certain place out of the way. 

An older child may want to work, at times, at a table out of reach of a younger one, or may want to have a gate across his door while he builds with blocks and construction toys. Toys inappropriate for a younger one, such as crayons, paints, or those with small pieces, should be kept out of his reach and played with during his nap time or in a closed-off area. 

Most toys should be jointly owned and used on a first-come/first-play basis. This eliminates much needless ownership hassle. If a child is playing with a toy and the other wants it, the latecomer can learn to say, “May I play with it when you’re through, please?” Then he can play with something else while he awaits his turn. If these policies are established early, the children will learn to co-operate in the same way with other playmates. 

When there are disputes, it’s best for parents not to take on the role of judge and assess blame, though they can make it clear that the problem must be solved in a peaceful way. “We use words, not fists,” is one good rule. The children themselves can be made to sit and talk over their problem until they come up with a solution. At first you may need to help by asking each one to tell the other how he feels or by trying yourselves to verbalize their feelings for the children. 

For instance: “Heather feels that you don’t love her when you push her, so she cries” or, “Tony didn’t understand that you were playing with that truck, and had just parked it while you were looking for a man to put in it.” This kind of help not only shifts the responsibility for solving social problems to the children but gives them the means for finding solutions. If one child is clearly the aggressor, however, the parent might have him sit by himself for a few minutes to think about how he can use his loving hands or feet. 

I recently asked a mother of four children close in age what ideas had been most useful to her in encouraging sibling friendship. She said that it’s helpful for the children to work together toward a common goal, so she looks for goals such as cleaning up for outside time, planning a party, or deciding what to have for dinner. Each child takes a part in accomplishing the main goal and appreciates the contributions of the others. 

When the children have a spat, this mother has them sit and talk it over until they can come to her with their solution. She has found that ridicule and rivalry can be eliminated – when a child is feeling fear or inadequacy – by encouraging another to help him. For instance, one of her younger children was afraid of the dark and an older one, who had overcome that fear, was asked to talk to her and help her. This family has discovered that one never wants to put down a friend he’s helping. 

Children don’t really want to feel equal to each other in every way. But they do – each one – want to feel special and appreciated. As parents, you can do much, both to help your children appreciate each other’s uniqueness, and to set the stage for harmony. On top of everything else, working toward the goal of peace at home is bound to add needed peace to the world scene. *names have been changed.

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What Schedule for Baby?

Written by Mildred Cawlfield
Adapted by Dorothy Halverson

Thought has changed over the years about how rigid or flexible a baby’s schedule should be. There was a time when it was believed that a baby should be put on a strict four-hour schedule from birth, that the clock should determine when he should be fed, bathed, even held and loved. Parents were told that it didn’t matter what the baby did; it was what they did that counted. So they suffered while the baby screamed, feeling that they would harm the baby by picking him up if the clock didn’t indicate it was time to do so. 

Parents who went to the other extreme and fed baby every time he made a sound, or didn’t dare to awaken him, felt tied down because they couldn’t plan their time with any predictability. These babies didn’t have the necessary help in learning a sense of time and order. 

Fortunately, the schedule can be used as a tool rather than a slave driver. It should be the outgrowth of your own and your baby’s individual sense of rhythm and order. Babies differ from birth. Some eat enough at a time to be happy with a flexible four-hour schedule. Others, particularly if you are nursing them, may need to be fed every two and a half or three hours for a while. 

In the early weeks, babies are changing quickly, and their needs are not always the same from one day to the next. Knowing this, you can work toward a four-hour schedule that will fit in with your life style but will also stay in tune with baby’s needs. As the baby works toward sleeping through his night feedings, his afternoon and evening feedings may be closer together than his morning ones, or vice versa. 

If he doesn’t awaken within four hours between feedings during the day, it may be helpful to awaken him to encourage longer sleeping periods at night. Generally, by the time your baby sleeps regularly through the night, you and he can establish a fairly predictable routine which will allow you to make plans and will give him a sense of time, order, and consistency. 

For a while, your baby will have four meals a day (after he has dropped one and then the other of his night feedings). Around six months, three meals a day will be sufficient especially once solid foods are introduced. A small amount of water may be added to your baby’s diet after six months when baby seems hungry or thirsty. Also, a small amount of water may be needed in very hot weather. Two naps a day will continue until the morning one no longer seems necessary. 

As long as little children are getting adequate food and rest, their schedules can be varied to fit their parents’ routine. For example, if one of the parents goes into work in the afternoon and works late into the evening, you might choose to have your baby or toddler go to bed around 10:00 p.m. and awaken him to start the day at 10:00 a.m. with meals and naps coordinated to fit his parents’ routine. However, once the child nears school age the parents will need to adjust the schedule (gradually) so that he is awakening earlier, ready for a full day, and putting him to bed earlier at night. 

A good schedule meets the needs of both child and parent.

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Handling Separation Anxiety

Written by an Acorn Parent

I am grateful for a Christian Science healing our family recently witnessed, demonstrating freedom over what is commonly termed “separation anxiety.” I’m grateful to share some of my learnings in the hopes of encouraging others who are prayerfully addressing this topic for their own families, and for families around the world. 

Beginning when one of our children was about nine months old and for months thereafter, he would cry loudly and for long time periods if my husband or I left a room he was in, or if friends or extended family tried to hold him or play with him, or if we left him in our Christian Science branch church’s Children’s Room during a church service. This may not seem like a big deal, but these loud, lengthy crying jags seemed to challenge my husband and me, our extended family, and the Children’s Room attendants. 

Loved ones who were aware of the challenge offered a variety of practical human steps that they felt might help encourage our child to feel freer with other care providers and when he was on his own in a room for a brief period. We were earnestly praying during this time and tried some of these practical steps as we were so led. But nothing seemed to help. Meanwhile, each week at church my husband and I continued receiving text messages from Children’s Room attendants asking us to return after we had been gone for 10 to 15 minutes, as our child had not settled. 

During these months I was frequently on my knees in prayer (figuratively, and sometimes literally), listening for our Father-Mother God’s guidance. As a student of Christian Science, it is my daily privilege to claim and affirm each family member’s inherent right to know and hear God at every moment. It is my duty to defend myself against aggressive mental suggestion. I had the special opportunity to support our children in this important daily prayerful work, too. 

During this time, God helped me to affirm what is true about this child’s identity. He is whole and free, complete, and fully developed. He is not a helpless babe who is in the process of developing, as the material world would attempt to inform us. This perfect child of God hears and understands God, with a firm grasp on the spiritual facts of his identity as God’s son. 

I was also led to prayerfully affirm that no intermediary is needed. God communicates with each one of us and His angel messages are understood. On page 72 of Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures, Mary Baker Eddy writes, “Not personal intercommunion but divine law is the communicator of truth, health, and harmony to earth and humanity.” Our child, who inherently manifested God’s loving care, did not need me to interpret his Father-Mother. 

One day while I was praying, God revealed to me that I needed to stop beholding in thought the false images of a crying child, a concerned mother, and an overwhelmed family member or Children’s Room attendant. I affirmed that I could not be duped into giving audience to mortal mind’s suppositions – including fearfully anticipating my child’s tears before we even showed up at church. We build on the rock of Truth, not on the shifting sands of material supposition. The only reality – the only actual activity happening – is the expression of Love. I could not be made to be confused by false sense and then act on a faulty basis. As we read in The First Church of Christ, Scientist, and Miscellany on page 274, “To begin rightly enables one to end rightly, and thus it is that one achieves the Science of Life, demonstrates health, holiness, and immortality.” 

As I prayed about this further, I acknowledged God as the only care giver and I began gaining a deeper understanding that man is never separate from God. I am never separate from God. My child is never separate from God. Because we are never separate from God, the role of the members of our household, our extended family, and the Children’s Room attendants was simply to behold God’s perfect, beloved child who is inherently joyous, alert, harmonious, and at peace. We were simply being called to witness the revealing of this child’s true nature. 

Next, I was gently reminded that I needed to more clearly defend my love for Christian Science and my desire to serve church. If that meant prayerfully supporting the church service from the Children’s Room, I was ready to do it. Every aspect of church supports every other aspect – and there is no place in church that is less important or more important. I was willing to serve wherever I was needed. But God lovingly reminded me to be alert to any sneaky suggestions (or situations) that would attempt to redirect me from serving where I was needed. I knew I needed to remain alert that no imposition and no claim of personal sense could keep me from serving church in the ways God had in store for me. 

As I continued to pray, new practical ways to support our child unfolded harmoniously. We were led to stop carrying out many of the well-intentioned suggestions that had been presented to us by loved ones. We continued listening for God’s guidance. Around that time, we were led to enroll our child in The Principia School’s Acorn program. Each week for part of Play-In, Acorn students have independent learning time with teachers while their parents attend a metaphysically-based seminar in another room. Acorn has afforded my child a natural weekly opportunity to be cared for by others. 

Around the same time, our church’s Children’s Room Committee Chairperson invited the committee to address the claim of “separation anxiety” impersonally. Several committee members responded enthusiastically. Just a few days later – that very next Sunday – there was a palpable shift in our Children’s Room that everyone recognized and attributed to God. Our child – and another child who had also seemed to be challenged when their parents stepped away – remained in the Children’s Room without parents present for the full church service. This was a first for our child! There were some tears, but the attendants on duty were prayerfully ready to meet those suggestions of upset, and within 15 minutes all of the children were happily playing. Over the next three weeks, our child continued playing in the Children’s Room without parents and with mere moments of tears at drop-off. By the fifth week and thereafter, he joyously played in the Children’s Room with no tears at all. At home, this child spontaneously began playing independently. He no longer cried when either parent left the room and he expressed joy and freedom when approached by extended family members and our friends who wanted to hold him or play with him. 

The healing was not that our child stopped crying in the Children’s Room at church, or that I can leave him in a room at home without him sobbing. While these things are great, they are simply demonstrative of the much bigger lesson that I feel I am just starting to learn more about: that there is no separation from good, God. We can never be separate from our Maker, from our beloved Father-Mother. Nobody can ever be separated from Love. World thought might suggest that this was just a coincidence – that the child grew out of their upset or simply got used to the Children’s Room or being on their own for a bit…but after having worked through this challenge for about seven months, I can confidently state that it was Love’s healing touch and only God that afforded this demonstration. 

The second verse of Hymn 232 (Christian Science Hymnal) beautifully sums up my learnings: “O Light, in Thy light we can see / That man is ever one with Thee. / In love our lives Thou dost enfold, / And now our waiting hopes behold / That man is God’s own child.”

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Teaching Young Children about Gratitude

By Linda Warner, Acorn Teacher

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Prov. 22:6 

Gratitude is one of the most important concepts we can teach our children. By learning gratitude, children learn to better understand the feelings of others, developing empathy and other life skills. Learning to express gratitude helps children to look outside of themselves and understand and appreciate what their parents and others do for them. 

Children as young as 12–15 months can begin to understand concepts that lead to expressing gratitude. By that time they understand they are separate beings from mommy and daddy, and they are aware their parents do things for them to meet basic needs and keep them happy. 

By the ages of 2–3 years, children are able to verbalize things they are thankful for, for example, pets or family members. Parents need to consciously model and provide opportunities for young children to express gratitude. Gratitude is a learned skill.

How? 

• Begin by modeling requests with “please” and “thank you.” Let your children observe you expressing gratitude to those around you. Encourage your children to use grateful words. 

• Incorporate gratitude into your daily conversation. Have a “thanking” part of the day when everyone shares something they’re thankful for. Dinnertime is a logical time for this, or during bedtime prayers. 

• Keep a Gratitude Journal with your child. Write down simple expressions of gratitude, especially healings, which can be referred to on a regular basis. 

• Let your child(ren) help around the house. Pick a simple chore they can do and let them do it. Be it feeding the dog, or taking clean laundry to their rooms, give your child the gift of realizing that what they do, or what’s done for them takes effort. “Let children feel their responsibility in making home the dearest spot on earth. Do not be such unselfish parents that you raise selfish children. Make it possible for them to do their part in the homemaking.” (Education at the Principia p. 24:6)

• Find a simple goodwill project. Encourage your child to do something for someone else. Maybe helping you make cupcakes for a neighbor, or walking their dog. Preface it by talking about how much your act will please the neighbor. 

• Encourage generosity. If you’re donating clothing or household goods to a charity, encourage your child to donate something they’ve outgrown, as well. 

• Write thank-you notes. Even very young children can scribble something on a note, accompanied by your own words of thanks. Or you can write what your child dictates on a thank-you note. In this technical age, even a short video of your child expressing thanks will be well received by the giver. 

• Give it time. Continue to look for opportunities to express gratitude. It takes consistency and continuous reinforcement, but the rewards will come. Children who appreciate the efforts of others on their behalf, are a joy to be around and naturally tend to pay it forward for the joy of giving. They are taking the steps to demonstrate that “Giving does not impoverish us in the service of our Maker, neither does withholding enrich us.” (SH 79:31–32)

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Obedience and Independence

By Mildred Cawlfield

“I want to do it by myself” was a new proclamation in the Jones household. Along with learning new self-help skills, their daughter had developed a keen desire for independence. Rebecca had been a joy, quickly learning to talk and willingly agreeing with her parents’ requests. But recently she had discovered a new feeling of power and wanted to make decisions by herself. 

Her parents wisely started giving her choices between two alternatives — two pieces of clothing, two breakfast foods or snacks, or two books for story time. They found that she was more willing to follow directions when given some choices. 

There were times, however, when they found the need to hold to the rules and expect obedience despite her noisy protests. Yes, she did need to go to bed at the appropriate time after a predetermined routine. She did need to stop her play when it was time to come to the table. And, no, she couldn’t have sweets or get her parents to buy new toys any time she demanded them. Parents meet testing times throughout a child’s upbringing. They must continue to weigh the child’s need for growing independence with the value of teaching obedience. In the past few decades, obedience has seemed to be an outdated virtue, as a popular voice proclaimed the need for “freedom to be you and me.” Many have discovered, however, that freedom for self-fulfillment can become license and prevent the true freedom which comes from obedience to moral and spiritual law.

Children are quick to pick up on whether a request for obedience is one of self-will or of the need for obedience to principle. If parents say, “Do it because I said so,” they are requesting obedience, but they are not making clear the reason for obedience. 

The parent might say to her daughter, “This is a ‘hurry-up time.’ Your brother is getting out of school, and he will be looking for us. He’ll wonder where we are if we don’t get there right away.” Then the daughter will learn that the request for obedience is based on her brother’s need and their love for him. If there is still resistance, the parent may need to pick up the child and put her in the car despite protests. 

A parent shouldn’t plead with a child or allow stalling tactics while awaiting obedience. After giving a reasonable amount of time for compliance, the parent should take action. Otherwise the child learns that he doesn’t really need to do what is expected until the parent’s voice reaches a certain pitch. Choices may be given, such as, “Would you like to come by yourself, or shall I carry you?” Then the parent will follow through depending on the child’s behavior. There will also be times when the parent can encourage the child to obey by saying, “I know you will come quickly when I call,” and then praising the obedience. Occasionally the parent may count out loud after giving a direction, to allow a little leeway, if he has made the rule clear: “You may have until I count to five to come.” Then, according to response, you could add, “Wow! You came by three.” 

A parent can help a child practice responding to directions at a time when strong feelings about obedience or independence are not present. The parent may say, “Let’s play the obedience game. Obedience means to do what you’re told to do right away, lovingly. Let’s see if you know how to be obedient. Put your hands on your head. … Oh, you’re obedient. You did it right away with a smile. Now you can go way into the kitchen. When you hear me call ‘Elsie, Elsie, please come here,’ you will come so fast!” Praise and hugs follow. 

I suggest not allowing the child to be the leader in this game, because children must not feel that parents should obey them. The distinction between parent and child must remain clear. You may talk to your child, however, about how you listen to your Father-Mother God and try to obey God’s directions. Give some examples. You can get further practice using puppets, then the child can take turns giving instructions. 

Some children need encouragement to exercise their independence. They may seem to be perfectly willing to let parents do everything for them. If that’s the case, you can give them small tasks to do, show them how to do the tasks, and then praise their efforts. For example, “I’m going to put the sock over your foot. See if you can pull it all the way up. . . . Good, you did it!” 

It helps for parents to be aware of when they might expect a child to take responsibility for a task. The self-help checklist at the end of this article should help with that if you keep in mind that children don’t all mature at the same time, and some may do some of the tasks sooner, and others later, than the average. 

There has been a backlash against early toilet training; and now many parents are waiting too long, until the child becomes determined to keep the old habit of using a diaper for elimination. If you can catch a baby’s regular movements on the potty — a comfortable small seat on the big toilet — after he can sit up well or from 10 months on, it can lead into regular toilet training at around age two when the child is able to stay dry for about 2 hours. You can sit with the child and read stories if it doesn’t distract too much, or leave the child there alone strapped in for a few moments while you stay close by. Make sure the experience is a happy one for the child. Praise if he eliminates on the toilet, but don’t scold if he doesn’t. 

To help a two-and-a half-year-old learn to pedal a tricycle, you can stand behind and push the trike a little until one of the child’s feet comes up on a pedal. Then push that leg to help her push the pedal. Push her legs alternately until she is used to that action. For an older child who doesn’t want to learn how to ride a two-wheeler, you can walk alongside holding the bike until she gains the confidence to take off on her own. 

Allowing children to do small tasks along with you gives them skills that boost their confidence. One mother had the child put the napkins on the table while she put on the silverware. When the child was older, the mom made placemats with the silverware shapes drawn on them. The child loved setting the table by matching the silverware to the pictures. 

Parents often ask if children should be expected always to do a task once they have mastered it. Sometimes, especially when there is a little brother or sister, a child may resist doing a previously learned task such as dressing himself. You can use loving intuition when this occurs. Sometimes reasserting your pleasure in his responsibility and skill will give him the boost needed. At other times you may want to give him the help requested so he knows that being older doesn’t mean losing all contact and help from parents. Then find other appropriate ways to give him attention. 

When children are young is the best time to help them begin to establish the qualities of obedience and independence. The right amount of obedience and independence brings joy to children. As they mature, you can let the rope out gradually, allowing more independence as they are obedient. When they become adolescents and feel the need for even more independence, they will be used to obeying you, and you will be able to trust them with greater responsibility.

“There is no excuse for not teaching a child obedience. A parent has no higher work than bringing up his child to reflect good” (Education at The Principia, p. 30).

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Establishing Balance in the Home

By Dorothy Halverson

Balancing a busy life, particularly one that involves children, requires persistent thought, prayer, selflessness, wisdom, and yielding to God’s will. Recently, I asked several parents what balance in the home looks and feels like to them. They responded with:

  • “a warm sense of togetherness”
  • “time for Bible lesson study”
  • “engagement with our children, spouse, and others”
  • “having the ability to be flexible and to adapt”
  • “feeling present with each thing I’m doing, rather than feeling conflicted”
  • “a true sense of peace”.

The Bible tells us that Jesus calmed the wind and the sea when he gave the command, “Peace, be still.” (Mark 4:39) What a promise this holds for each of us trying to balance family life with work and various other demands. When I seem to have a lot of projects to handle in a certain amount of time, I try to step back mentally and spiritually and ask God what needs to be done. When I am earnestly listening, I often discover that what I think is most important to accomplish is not always part of God’s plan. I am learning to trust, and as I cultivate a sense of inner peace, I gain a greater sense of calm and dominion in my daily activities. As I work to glorify God in everything I do, I find that by the end of the day everything has fallen into place. Peace provides such a solid foundation for accomplishing that long list of “to do’s.” When we operate from the basis of glorifying God, and from a desire to do what’s best for our children, priorities become clearer because we have eliminated a lot of the extraneous clutter in our thinking. 

Some practical ideas that parents have found helpful in establishing balance in their home include:

  • delegating responsibilities
  • planning meals for the week
  • creating a weekly schedule
  • designating spaces in your home where young children can play safely and independently
  • planning monthly date nights with your spouse
  • establishing a specific time each day to connect with your spouse without television and other distractions
  • spending some “down time” during each day preparing your thought (e.g. reading Christian Science articles and hymns, reflecting, praying, and quietly giving gratitude).

One of the truly wonderful promises in settling for nothing less than peace and harmony is that life will take the shape that is uniquely right for you. Glorifying God in all we do brings a calm sense peace and balance.

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Children, Chores, and Chuckles

By Cindy McCleary Marston

Principia’s founder, Mary Kimball Morgan speaks about the vital importance of demonstrating a beautiful, strong, harmonious home life. She states, “A home that is rich in love and Christian courtesy will develop a pure childlikeness that is fit to inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. Let children feel their responsibility in making home the dearest spot on earth. Don’t be such unselfish parents that you make selfish children. Make it possible for them to do their part in the homemaking.” (Education at The Principia p. 24) 

In the article below, originally published in Principia’s Parent and Family Newsletter in Fall 2002, author Cindy McCleary Marston explains some of the skills her children developed through their household chores or “contributions.”
When my children were very young, I read a book called 401 Ways to Get Your Kids to Work at Home, by Bonnie Runyan McCullough. This book confirmed for me that chores are a way to teach children the skills they will need to take care of themselves and be productive citizens. It includes lists of skills that children should know by various ages. The skills are grouped into categories, including personal care, clothing care, household, cooking, money, and navigation and auto. Under each group is a list of various tasks to teach that skill. 

Based on the lists in the book, my husband and I developed a game plan for having our children do chores to enable them to learn life skills. Listening to and respecting the children’s ideas regarding their chores and allowing them to do them in their own way (to music or with different tools than I would have used) is essential. Giving children a choice about their chores makes them more willing to participate in the activity. For example, collecting and taking out the trash used to be a child-assigned chore, but both of our children really disliked doing it. So they negotiated a trade with Dad, and now Dad takes out the trash. 

In this process, my husband and I are learning to be disciplined in our own thought and actions. Believing in the worthiness of our goal has made us persist in allowing the kids to learn now to do various chores, even when it would have been much quicker and easier to do them ourselves. We are also learning to be consistent in our standards and in applying consequences when a child does not do a chore or does not meet the standard. 

We periodically ask ourselves whether our actions are achieving our desired goals. There can be a fine line between appreciating the children’s efforts and recognizing when they have done a poor job. We find it effective to ask them to double-check for completeness and thoroughness before we check. Redoing chores is never fun for anyone, and so we have tried to teach our children to do things right the first time. As an American salesman once noted, “Genius is the ability to evade work by doing it right the first time.” 

Of course, there have been times when other activities took priority, and their assigned tasks were not done. But because we believe that their chores are an important contribution to the home, that is the exception rather than the rule. 

Today, if I were to do anything differently, it would be to substitute the word “contribution” for the word “chore.” It is a more positive and more accurate word for what they are doing. Communicating that we rely on our children to complete certain tasks helps them to understand that they are an integral part of the family. We emphasize to our children that their chores are essential to the harmonious functioning of our household. Truly, their contributions make it easier for us to have the time to be able to take them to and/or participate in their various activities. 

Taking pride in learning a new skill, being thorough, and finishing a task are a few of the abilities our children have developed through their assigned responsibilities. Planning ahead and negotiating consequences or a trade or tasks are a few of the unforeseen skills they are acquiring. 

Finally, they are also gaining a general knowledge of the variety of tasks involved in keeping a household functioning. Just recently, when I asked my 14-year-old son to “fix the bathroom sink,” I was really asking him to follow the directions on the Drano bottle. He, however, got out the tools and bucket, took apart the pipes, gloried in all the disgusting gray goop that he was able to remove, and proudly showed us how easily the water drains now. I was thrilled, too. And later, when I discovered his dirty breakfast dishes still in the kitchen sink, I was able to chuckle and just be grateful that the bathroom sink now works!