Category: Spiritually-Based Resources

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EDUCATION: Are We Stuffing Sausage or Finding Pearls?

Written by Mildred E. Cawlfield

A group of Acorn parents, in discussing their concepts of education, used these words and phrases: unfolding; developing; uncovering; discovering; recognizing what’s there and providing opportunities for its expression; stating goals; establishing a foundation that integrates the spiritual, moral, intellectual, social, and physical; learning to look away from self; putting off ignorance and limitation. They decided that education is not adding something to the child, nor writing on a blank slate, nor waiting for a child to go through pre-programmed stages. 

One parent remarked that it is not so much like stuffing sausage into a casing as it is opening the oyster to find what’s there. 

What teaching methods, then, follow from this concept of education? If our goal is not merely to fill children’s minds with knowledge, we’ll look for methods which bring forth and reveal their limitless capabilities. 

The most powerful teaching method is the teacher’s recognition and acknowledgement of the child’s present intelligence, memory, discernment, strength, balance, grace, selflessness, etc. This awareness leads the child to see in himself, and to express these qualities. 

Suppose a child is behaving aggressively toward other children. If our first step is to see him as an expression of Love, we will be ready to say to him, “Show him your gentle hands. Hands are for loving and helping.” We can then show him how happy his loving hands make his friends feel. 

Perhaps he needs to acquire the ability to use verbal language. We will see him as the expression of all-hearing and all-knowing Mind and will continue speaking to him even before we get a verbal response. 

A number of studies in education have shown the value of expectancy on the part of the teacher. Teachers in one study were told that certain students were very bright and could be expected to show great gains. Though these children were chosen at random (unknown to the teacher), they did show much greater progress than other children in the class. This illustrates how helpful it can be to see and expect evidence of the great capacity for learning in each child. 

Another important teaching method is to show by example – that is, to model. Children’s quickness at picking up good ideas they see demonstrated shows the “do as I say, not as I do” approach as ineffective. Not only are parents and teachers constantly teaching language, customs, and courtesy by their actions, but children are learning much from each other. When they see other children being obedient, cooperating and sharing with each other, they are quick to follow suit. 

Parents and teachers encourage this type of learning when working with more than one child by noticing those who are doing the correct thing – i.e., “Amy’s helping me put toys away. Thank you, Amy” – or, “I like the way you remembered to say ‘Thank you’, Johnny. You’re welcome!” Also, one teacher or parent can remark to another, “Did you see how quickly Karen put on her jacket? She’s really speedy today.” Other children take notice of this kind of recognition and improve their behavior. 

It’s very important for parents to help older children recognize the importance of their role as teachers-by-example, and not allow them to grab toys from the baby or treat him roughly whether he objects or not. 

A third important teaching method is to observe where the child is in understanding and interest, and then to present opportunities to utilize his capabilities and interests to lead him to further understanding. For example, as Eric crawled about exploring objects, he would pick them up, study them, then give them a little toss, flipping them over in the process. We observed that he was probably learning something about the weight, composition, and motion of objects in this way, and so we chose toys from the Acorn toy library which responded to this type of action such as rattle balls and blocks. He showed sustained interest in rattle balls because they responded so well to his unique method of exploration. As he plays, we can tell him that this rattle ball is red and this one is yellow, and say, “See it roll,” and “Hear the sound it makes.” When he’s satisfied with what he’s learned from this method, he’ll go on to other discoveries and methods. 

As we observe, we see that Julia can match colors but doesn’t name them yet. We name the colors for her as she matches; then one day we ask for a red one or a green one and she gives it to us. Soon she’s telling us the colors. 

Craig repeatedly pointed to letters in books and looked up questioningly. We named the letters or words that were so interesting to him, and though we made no effort to “teach” him, he was reading very shortly after learning to talk. 

Learning takes place quickly and naturally when it follows the child’s leading rather than being imposed upon him. It also helps to see what the next steps in learning are and to present challenges that the child will meet successfully. As he builds success upon success, he gains confidence in his ability and continues trying. 

Rather than presenting a one-year-old at first with a complicated shape-sorter such as the Tupper Rattle Ball, we start with sequential shape-sorters that just have a round hole, go on to the ones with a round and square hole, and later add the others. Also, a way of simplifying a complex shape-sorter is to turn it to fit the shape the child is holding. 

With all this interest in the child and what he is doing, we need to remember another important method, and that is training – holding the child to right action. We thus help the child see that he can do what is expected. We not only need to see Jimmy as obedient, helpful, cooperative, courteous and selfless, and expect him to be so, but we must make sure that his actions demonstrate these qualities. 

If he resists or ignores loving, positive, expectant requests, this may mean picking him up and helping him do what he is asked; or, it may mean having him sit on a chair or in his room for a few minutes to do some good thinking. If we are loving, yet firm and consistent in expecting right behavior when the child is young, he will form habits which lead to self-discipline and dependability as he grows older. 

We parents learn so much along with our children, and the more we know, the more we see there is to learn. We shouldn’t be discouraged when challenges present themselves. In helping children learn, we sometimes seem to come to little hurdles (or big ones). Coming to a hurdle doesn’t mean we are failing as parents, but that we need to find the way to help the child jump over it. And, what a joy it is when we remember that we’re not “stuffing sausage” but looking to find pearls.

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Nurturing Creativity

Young children love to learn, and their curiosity is intense. Creativity opens thought to numerous possibilities for children and their thought expands when they are given opportunities to explore, think, imagine, and problem solve. Today, the concern is that we are teaching our children to be un-creative. 

As Christian Scientists, we know that creativity is a spiritual quality, a tangible asset that is given to us by God. Each one of us as a child of God reflects His creativity. “I am God’s child. I am capable because this is how God made me. I do not lack ideas. I am filled with His inspiration, and I can express this in creative ways. Whatever is possible to God, is possible for me to accomplish with His help.” (Author unknown) All God’s children are constantly supplied with original, productive ideas and the competence to carry them out. God has endowed us with His intelligence. It needs only to be put into practice. 

So, how can we help our children practice creativity? Foster process-focused art. Set up a maker space that allows your child to explore, get messy, and play without undue restraints. Clear the clutter – both mentally and physically, and invite your child to get involved in organizing and defining the space. Provide everyday materials such as markers, tape, crayons, scissors, and glue in an easy-to-access spot, like a low shelf or cabinet. Save recycled materials for your child to use. Include watercolor paints, finger paints, and offer brushes and interesting painting tools such as toothbrushes, potato mashers, feathers, and natural materials. Have lots of blank paper available. Make homemade playdough and cloud dough. Resist the temptation to make a model for your child. Adapt to your child’s ideas rather than trying to structure his ideas to fit your ideas. 

Open-ended materials, such as blocks, construction toys, cardboard boxes and scarves give children opportunities to be creative. Materials such as these can be transformed. When left alone, these materials do nothing in particular but they come to life in the hands of children as they are required to use their imagination. A block that is shaped and painted like a tree is more likely to be played with as a tree. However, a simple wooden block can be transformed into a multitude of things. While there can be value in having the tree-shaped block, open-ended materials enhance the play experience as they require children to bring themselves into the play experience in a deeper way. 

Creativity is a great asset in problem solving. Parents and teachers can help children by giving them time and support to solve their own problems rather than quickly providing solutions. A child can be encouraged in ways such as this: “I see you’re looking for your teddy bear. Where do you remember playing with it last? Yes, looking in your bed is a good place to check.” “It looks like you and your brother both want the same toy. How can we solve this problem?” (You may need to put the toy up during the conversation.) It may be helpful to offer some ideas. “We could set the timer and you can take turns, or one of you can find another toy, or maybe you can think of way to play with the toy together. What solution can you both agree upon?” As problem solving skills develop, children will be better able to resolve social conflicts, work through touch math problems, manage their own life with less adult intervention, and become more confident. 

One of the most important types of creative activity for young children is creative play. Creative play is expressed when children use familiar materials in a new or unusual way, and when children engage in role-playing and imaginative play. Nothing reinforces the creative spirit and nourishes a child’s soul more than providing large chunks of time to engage in spontaneous, self-directed play throughout the day. Play enhances social development, and dramatic play helps children experiment with and understand social roles. Through dramatic play, children learn to take each other’s needs into account, and appreciate different values and perspectives. Play helps develop each child’s unique perspective and individual style of creative expressions. 

Environments where children are supported in their eagerness to explore relationships and materials without fear or disapproval, where parents and teachers are prepared to unearth resources to satisfy children’s creative thirst to learn, are environments where creativity will blossom and grow. 

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Proper Demands: An Important Tool in Education

By Mary Kimball Morgan

In an undated paper apparently prepared for presentation to a parents’ meeting, Mrs. Morgan stressed the need for parents to support the school in making demands on the young people.
 
We are told that “training is the act of bringing one into a fit condition,” physically, mentally, or morally. Fitness of condition, then, is the result of a process of education. This process, through the elimination of all seeming handicaps and the development of all necessary constituent elements, brings mastery of the object desired.
 
The type of training necessary depends upon the specific end to be gained. If a boy shows marked ability as an athlete and desires to excel in this direction, he must place himself under instructors and follow obediently all rules laid down for his training. It means much hard work and many sacrifices of time and self-indulgent habits to accomplish the desired end. The successful athlete is usually the earnest, obedient pupil — the one who willingly practices what he is told, and who uses every opportunity to gain mastery over any sense of physical weakness or limitation. His object is the complete mastery of his body in some specific line of work. Devotion to this purpose generally ultimates in success. We are told by Mrs. Eddy that “there is no excellence without labor” (Science and Health, p. 457).
 
Every art must be developed through its own specific method of training. One may in early childhood show marked ability as an artist. The first childish sketches may give signs of great promise. To accept the gift as something already complete, needing no further development, would be to waste the talent bestowed by divine Love and would forfeit divine help. A musician, no matter how gifted, needs systematic instruction and discipline in order to perfect the wonderful art with which he has been endowed. A boy may have unusual business ability, but what father would be satisfied to place grave responsibilities upon the untrained thought, no matter what natural ability may be there?
 
It is a cruel thing to permit a girl or boy to waste any God-given talent. A gifted girl gives up her music because she is not willing to sacrifice her social pleasure to the time necessary for practice. Mother thinks it is too difficult a task to keep her at her work, and so the child throws away her precious gift, and the home — possibly the world — is deprived of the joy which might have been given through an appreciation of God-bestowed ability.
 
Why is it that we find only an occasional artist in any line? I do not believe it is so much a question of lack of talent as it is an unwillingness to take the training that develops the talent.
 
The same is true of the seeming lack of efficiency in every walk of life. So many men and women are spoiled in the making. Good material to begin with, they fail to make the most of what they have and are, because of resistance to the discipline necessary to success. Not only is there a resistance to the discipline given by parents and teachers, but there often is little or no attempt at self-discipline.
 
And yet, can we blame the girl or boy who takes the line of least resistance? Training should begin with birth. A child is never too young to begin to learn. Watch a young mother with her baby. See how soon that baby learns how to wheedle his mother into coddling or playing with him when he should go to sleep. Or if Mother is firm, that fact is soon discerned, and the wiles are hereafter turned in Father’s direction. Father has to be heroic indeed if he can withstand such personal popularity. It requires great fortitude to hold to Principle when the tempter is a winning baby, a fascinating half-grown girl, or a clever, manly boy.
 
Why are we so weak where our children are concerned? Why are we willing to indulge them in the very things which will spoil their manhood and womanhood? It takes courage to train our children in the things which most thoroughly make for happiness. Obedience, unselfishness, consideration, self-sacrifice, thoroughness, accuracy, and honesty are not acquired without real striving. And yet they are essential to successful living. When a child is born, no one knows what his talents may be. His career is not unfolded in advance. But there is one position in life for which he should be fitted — no matter what may be his special gifts. Every girl and boy should be trained for Christian citizenship.
 
Abraham Lincoln did not become President of the United States by chance. Through a peculiar fitness to meet the great need of his country, he rose to the highest point of honor it could bestow upon him. How was he fitted to do this great work? Through severe selfdiscipline, through improvement of every opportunity to learn, through obedience to Principle, through appreciation of every Godgiven ability, a steadfast purpose to keep himself pure, unselfish, and strong, an abiding love for God, and a deep love for his fellowman, Abraham Lincoln trained himself for service.
 
Isn’t this what we should bear in mind every day that we are privileged to deal with these children entrusted to our care? How dare we permit them to be willful, insubordinate to instruction, indolent in the carrying out of their duties, careless about their studies, disrespectful to their parents, heedless of their own character building, and irreverent toward their Father-Mother God!
 
The parent who loves too much to countenance inaccuracy, insincerity, subterfuge, laziness, frivolity, selfishness, and irreverence will reap the fruit of such training in the well-ordered lives of the young men and women who will take their places in the community trained for service to God and man.
 

Our whole duty to our children is to loosen the bondage which false belief would place upon them and to help them to find themselves possessed of only those qualities derived from their relationship to their Father-Mother God.

This paper appears in Education at The Principia, pp. 35–37.

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Babies and Values

by Mildred E. Cawlfield (former director of the Acorn program)

When do babies start learning about a parent’s values? Would you believe — before they are born? If not, probably soon after. There is indication that before birth, babies hear the music we hear and hear our tone of voice. They probably also sense our emotions. From the moment they appear in our experience, our children undoubtedly benefit as we strive for higher values. 

In the early weeks, if babies’ cries are responded to understandingly, they feel the presence of the love indicated by that caring attention and usually will cry less in later months. If they sometimes have to wait a bit because mom is busy with another child or other important tasks, they can learn the need for patience. They learn that they can fit unselfishly into family life. If they are fed periodically—between three and four hours for a bottle-fed baby, and sometimes a little less for a nursing baby, they learn the value of order. On the other hand, if they are picked up and fed every time they make a little fuss, they may learn that mom is a pacifier, and they may get used to instant gratification. Parents can strive for a balance, based on principle and love, that gives babies a sense of the qualities their parents value. 

Parents can let their infants assume the natural responsibility for getting themselves to sleep without becoming part of the process by feeding or rocking them to sleep. Then the babies are more self-confident and happy. When they awaken in the night, they can settle themselves back to sleep without crying for help. 

Another area where babies can take responsibility is in determining how much they need to eat. Babies show healthy attitudes about eating when they are not urged by over-concerned parents to eat more than they need. If parents provide good food at appropriate intervals, babies have the ability to regulate the amount they need to eat. 

Some babies seem anxious to get moving and may fuss at parents to sit them up, put them in walkers, stand them up, or walk them around. If the parent gives in to these babies’ demands too frequently, the babies will not spend enough time practicing the crawling skills required to get themselves into the positions they urgently seek. Babies can learn independence and self-control if the parent will talk to them and comfort them from afar, at times, rather than giving in to their constant demands. 

Parents can lay the foundation for trust and honesty by always telling the baby when they are going to be away. When babies become keenly aware of the difference between the familiar caregiver and a substitute, they may cry when the parent leaves. Parents may then wish to avoid a scene by slipping away without telling the baby they’re going. This can relieve the parent of an unhappy episode at the time, but the caregiver has to comfort the baby who suddenly discovers the parent is gone. If this occurs regularly, the baby may become more clingy because he won’t know if or when the parent will leave. If the baby knows the parents will always tell when they’re going to be away, he may not like it, but will trust the parents and learn the important family rule that we always tell each other where we’re going to be. At our Acorn play-ins, parents separate from their children every two weeks for a one-hour seminar. One toddler, who was feeling especially attached to his mom for a while, would comfort himself by repeating, “Mommy’s in seminar.” Then he’d happily go back to playing. 

Babies do observe everything their parents do, and from the beginning they gain the foundation for accepting the parents’ values, so it’s never too soon to give thought to the values we’re transmitting. (MEC)

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Safeguarding the Innocence and Purity of Our Children

Children are often exposed to a variety of things that we, as parents, would prefer they did not see or experience. But these occasions can be changed from difficult experiences into growth opportunities if we take the time to explain the larger picture to our children. The child can then use this information to assimilate other experiences, even if the parent is not present to interpret for him. 

Home can provide a pure atmosphere for children. By practicing the Golden Rule between parent and child and between brothers and sisters, children learn how people should treat each other. When parents let children know by their words and actions that they love them and sincerely desire to give them the best they’re able to provide, the children recognize that their parents care about them deeply. Then when the parent needs to take a firm stand, to say “no” to some want or to refuse to yield on an issue, the underlying integrity of the parent-child relationship eventually allows the child to understand the parent’s decision. 

Throughout history, religious training has taught young people to develop clear perceptions about right and wrong. Families with deep roots in the Bible help children discover a basis for unselfish action. Children who learn to pray daily at home can feel comfortable speaking to God in their private thoughts at any time and in any situation. School can provide skills that will benefit the child in many ways, but the child’s wholeness is recognized and cherished mainly by the family. 

Parents often resolve to safeguard their children from early exposure to violence. Be alert to the subtle ways error tries to enter in. All too often, children’s videos, cartoons, and electronic games contain amusing violence which begins to pave the way for desensitization to more overtly violent programing aimed mainly at older children. It’s important to watch shows and videos with your children and to be very familiar with the electronic games and apps they are using on all devices. 

While visiting friends, children may be offered the opportunity to view TV programs and videos that a parent would not allow them to see at home. Parents can anticipate the problem and do some training. Often it’s instructive for the child to think through how he will tell a friend he cannot watch a certain movie or video. Should he call his parent? Should he talk with the friend’s parents? If a parent finds out that a child viewed something inappropriate, it’s not too late for the child to become aware of the parent’s wishes. 

From TV and neighborhood friends also comes the barrage of aggressive toys. Some families are divided about having guns at home, and often compromises can be reached. For example, squirt guns and Nerf Blast-A-Ball might be permitted at home, but toy guns that are made to look like weapons that kill may not be permitted. 

Vicarious killing and violent images are found in video games. Children playing the games will frequently be heard to say, “I’m dead.” Boys appear to be targeted for this type of entertainment more than girls, with fast cars, jet planes, martial arts, and conquest as principal themes. “As parents and teachers, we must so train the thought of our youth that they may readily detect for themselves the right from the wrong, the real from the unreal, and we must inspire them with a love for that which lifts thought above the sordid, material view of life.” (Education at The Principia by Mary Kimball Morgan, p. 13) It is our parental duty and responsibility to continually monitor the video games our children play, guide them in right game choices, and limit the amount of time they spend on their devices. Set ground rules with your children and hold your children accountable. You might use a timer to limit the game time and expect for all homework to be completed before recreational use of the computer or i-Pad is allowed. As a family, you might choose to favor outdoor activities, reading, board games, and construction toys. 

According to statistics, more than 98 percent of American homes have televisions. The current generation raising children was brought up in homes with televisions, and many have not looked at the medium critically. Seeing commercial TV from a child’s innocent viewpoint can change adult perceptions about its being “harmless.” Two-year-olds will often ignore TV until the (louder) commercial comes on and captures their attention. But in homes with large-screen televisions or where the television is used as a babysitter, even younger children may be drawn into the TV habit. 

It can be helpful to form a TV philosophy. Having the TV off except for intended viewing is often a first step to controlling its use. Some parents set standards for what their children are allowed to watch and video record programs that they consider acceptable for viewing. When the children are older, a time limit is set for 1/2-1 hour per day after homework is finished. 

Decisions about the place of TV in the home begin with mom and dad sitting down together to think through the problems that might result from TV watching. Older children in the family should be included. Each family member’s thoughts should be candidly shared and compromises reached. Programs or news broadcasts that a young child is not allowed to watch should be recorded for later viewing. The lock-out feature can be helpful for families with cable or satellite TV. You might plan a “Movie Night” for special shows that the whole family enjoys together. Helping children develop a critical view to what is worth watching can enable them to be more selective in later years. 

When children venture beyond their own yards to play, parents still have a hand in supervising and monitoring their activities. Even when the child is older, it is helpful for parents to ask: Do I know the families my child enjoys visiting? Have I met the parents? Am I comfortable with their standards? Am I aware of the types of play our children share and the type of language they use? Have difficulties during playtime been solved equitably so that older children are fair with younger ones? 

Home is the place where children form their ideas about who they are. From modeling their parents and learning from them by their example and guidance, children grow in their ability to make decisions about how they view the world, what they think is funny, how they relate to others, and what they value in life. A strong foundation of trust and love allows the child to keep communication open with the parents. 

Through each encounter with challenging situations, children can be taught to cherish their own innocence and purity. When parents work with children from the time they are small, cultivating the natural love for what is good and pure, their efforts are rewarded. Spontaneous joy, expectation of good, receptivity to all that is lovely, characterizes the child of God. A firm spiritual foundation, provides our children with the strength to stand up for what they know is right and to feel comfortable with the values they have been taught.

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Preventing Power Struggles

“Say you’re sorry,” Cara’s mom was repeating. “You have to sit here until you can say you’re sorry.” Cara was determined to out-wait her mom, and her mom, who knew the importance of following through to teach obedience, was beginning to wish she hadn’t made the demand. She had just put herself in a no-win situation. Finally, the mom said, putting her arm around Cara, “Come with me, and I’ll apologize for you, because I think that will make your friend feel better.” 

There are many times in parenting when we are anxious to have our child do the right thing, but inadvertently find ourselves caught in a power struggle. It’s important for the parent to exercise authority and expect obedience, but power struggles teach resistance to the very practice we’re trying to encourage. 

There are certain areas in which the child can always have the last word and it’s fruitless to lock horns in these areas. A parent can’t force a child to go to sleep, to eat, to use the toilet, or to say what he doesn’t want to say. That’s why these are key areas for discipline problem-solving. 

Have you ever found yourself making any of these practically unenforceable statements? “You can’t leave the table until you take that bite.” “If you don’t take a nap, we’ll have to call off your party tonight.” “Keep your pants clean or else…” “Say please, or he won’t give it to you.” 

Let’s look at some alternatives. The key is to see what the real learning goal is. Is it not to have the child want to do what is right, rather than just to perform or obey? Generally, the more force or human will that is used, the more resistance may appear. It’s helpful to see that we’re not mediating one human will against another, but both seeking the divine will to obey. 

Often prayer is the very best answer. This is particularly true in the case of power struggles. Here is an example: 

A mother reported that her child, nearing three, was potty trained but continued to squat in the corner to do his movements in his pants or a diaper. She had done everything she could think of to do – offer rewards, make him help clean up the mess, talk to him about the need to be grown up. She wondered if it would help to withhold desired activities that his siblings did, because he was not showing that he was big enough. 

The question was explored, “What does he need to learn?” It came out that perhaps this was a power struggle he felt he needed to win. If that was the case would withholding activities intensify or reduce the power struggle? The mother decided to eliminate the struggle and not scold him when he dirtied his pants. He could wear diapers if he wanted. She told him that when he felt bigger and was ready, he would use the potty. And she prayed to see that he was under God’s control, not governed by human will.

One night shortly after, he was ill; and as he was nearing his third birthday, it came to her to pray to see his spiritual, immortal nature. She prayed until she felt a sense of peace about his God-given perfection. The next morning, he was completely well, and he came to her and said, “Potty, mommy.” 

“Where?” she asked, looking around. He took her to the toilet and proudly showed her where he had done his movement. 

If the issue is not a power struggle, other approaches may be appropriate. One possibility is a temporary reward plan that helps your child get over the hump to see that using the potty can be a better way. The action will vary according to what the child needs to learn. 

What are some ways of helping a child want to use gracious words? Of course the most important way is to be an example when talking to the child and to others in his presence. Then let him know how you and others appreciate gracious words. And, when you talk to your child, be sure to bend down to his level and talk eye-to-eye. 
• “Did you see Sara smile when you said, “thank you”? (or when I said ‘thank you’)? That’s a gracious thing to say.” 
• “I like it when you say ‘please.’ I feel like helping you right away.” 
• With an arm around both children, “Justin’s crying because you pushed him. What can we do to make him feel better?” You may need to suggest a gentle hug or say, “There are some words that will help. ‘Justin, we’re sorry Cara pushed you. I don’t think she wanted to hurt you. I know she’ll try to use her gentle hands after this.’” 

Power struggles can be prevented if you remember clearly the goal. Here are some probable goals in key areas: 

  • In eating, the goal is not to get the food down the child, but to help the child be receptive to trying new foods. The goal is not to get the child to be a plate-cleaner, but for him to learn to judge how much he should eat to satisfy hunger. 
  • In sleeping, the goal is to help the child form habits of regularity and to feel peaceful about his sleep experience. A parent can tell the child he doesn’t need to go to sleep, but when it’s bedtime, he must stay in bed. 
  • In toilet training, the goal is to help the child feel pleased about his maturity in his ability to use the toilet – first at our suggestion at appropriate times, then also when he feels the need. 
  • In speaking (apologizing), the goal is for the child to learn and want to use gracious words that will make others feel happy and comfortable. 

Power struggles will diminish when we see that the object of discipline is to teach the child, not punish him. Punishment flaunts the parents’ power over the child, whereas natural and logical consequences help the child feel responsible for his actions. The way a request is stated can make the difference. This is an example of punishment: “I can’t stand that noise! Go to your room!” This is a logical consequence: “We need to have it quiet here. You may be quiet and stay here or go to your room to make noise. Which do you choose?” The parent will need to follow through in either case and take the child to his room if he continues to make noise, but in the latter case the child would be told, “I see you’re choosing to make noise in your room. We love to have you with us. You may come back when you’re ready to be quiet.” With punishment, the child feels you are against him; with logical consequences, the child feels that you are on his side against the wrong-doing. 

A better start to the preceding scenario might have been to say in the beginning in a very soft voice, “We’re having an important conversation here. I know you’ll play quietly with these toys.” Then give him positive attention from time to time appreciating his ability to play quietly. Stating the expectations and then encouraging cooperation, generally prevents the need for consequences. 

If we fly off the handle and say or do something we wish we hadn’t (and we do from time to time), we can still teach the child by modeling humility and apologizing. We won’t back down on enforcing appropriate limits, but we can help the child learn how to make amends, restate calmly the expectation, and end with a hug. 

If used too frequently and arbitrarily, rewards can emphasize an adult’s power. Likewise, encouragement rather than praise empowers the child. For instance, “I like the way you are doing that” (praise) is better than the global, “Good boy!” or “Good girl!” but if overused, may imply to the child that he is behaving just to please us. “You really managed that well!” or “You worked hard to finish that puzzle!” gives encouragement without strings attached. 

Manipulation on the part of either the parent or the child is exercising power, and a power struggle may ensue. The adult must exercise authority, but the power should come from principle rather than will. The child can understand if the parent wants to do what is “right,” and children take comfort from the consistent enforcement of fair rules. 

The statement to a child, “I love you, so I want to help you do what’s right,” helps him to understand our role as parent. Power struggles are avoided as we eliminate anger by seeing our need to teach, to love, and to hold the child firmly to right actions.

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Defusing Willfulness

by Mildred Cawlfield, Acorn Director

Locking horns with a child is no fun. This article is devoted to keeping parenting on a steady course and turning what would be moments of conflict into learning experiences.

Babies
“My baby’s not obedient any more,” said a parent whose baby had just learned to crawl. Suddenly this precious baby seemed to have ideas of his own. One of the most interesting and challenging aspects of parenting comes with baby’s newfound independence. He’s really just discovering his own expression of intelligence and identity. The way a parent responds to the need for discipline (learning) helps build a foundation in early years that sets the stage for avoiding undue confrontation in later years.

The curious baby is impelled to explore by touching and mouthing everything within reach. He doesn’t know the difference between fragile figurines and  plastic toys. It’s the parents’ job to teach him what he may and may not do. If baby meets a “no” with every turn, his curiosity may be curtailed. But if he’s simply kept in a playpen with few opportunities to explore, he won’t learn necessary restraints. The best approach is to remove as many tempting objects as possible and consistently teach him to stay away from the others (such as the TV, light sockets, and lamp cords).

If baby goes back to the TV knobs, take him away, saying in a firm (but not angry) voice, “You may not touch the TV knobs. Here is your busy box. You may turn these knobs.” Do this repeatedly, never allowing him to touch the tempting objects but always giving him an alternative. If he persists, you may wish to put him briefly in his playpen or crib with the toy so he learns that his freedom to explore includes necessary restraints. Research shows that slapping or spanking is ineffective in teaching inner control. It merely leads to self-justification, fear of the adult, or determination to misbehave when the adult is out of the room.

Toddlers
Toddlers have many rules to learn such as we don’t throw food on the floor; parents need my cooperation when they dress and change me; I must always hold an adult’s hand crossing the street or in a parking lot; I must ask if I want food or if I want to touch something that isn’t mine; I must stay with my parents in public; I must stay in my bed when my parents say it’s bed time; I must use gently hands with my friends; the toilet isn’t convenient water to play in but has a specific purpose; and, basically, I need to cooperate with mom and dad.  

These are just a few of the rules the parent needs to establish and teach. The best way is to explain the rule to the child and help him learn it, praising him when he gets it right.

A toddler also needs to learn that he can’t get his way by whining and crying. As an infant he needed to learn to communicate with a cry, but now words are preferable. A parent is tempted to respond quickly to screams, whines, and cries to get them to stop, but instead the disagreeable behavior is perpetuated by being rewarded. If your toddler screams or cries for something, get down to his level, look into his eyes and try to verbalize for him in a quiet voice—for example, “Water please. You’d like a drink of water.” Or “Up. You want to be picked up to see out the window.” Then respond to the request. If he wants something he shouldn’t have, refuse to give in to his pleas.

Children over two
It’s very important for children to learn that they can’t have everything they want. Feeding every whim and desire perpetuates dissatisfaction.  Acknowledge your child’s communication by saying, “I know you’d like that toy. It looks like a lot of fun. But we can’t have everything we want, and we’re not buying toys today.”

When children are three or four and start reasoning with us, sometimes the lines between adulthood and childhood can become blurred. The child may start making the rules, and the adult may begin to feel out of control. The adult must continue to retain the leadership even though he wishes to encourage independent and creative thinking, because he has the experience and judgment to be the educator. The child will respect the adult who listens to his ideas but still retains the authority. Children should obey, not “Because I said so,” but because “It’s the right thing to do.” Parents can let their children know that, though parents sometimes make mistakes, they are praying and listening to God to know what’s right. As the Bible says, “Children obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.” (Eph. 6:1)  We don’t need to apologize to children for treating them like children. Children have a right to courtesy and respect, but they need to know that certain activities and opportunities to make decisions will come later as they continue to grow bigger.  In the meantime, we can help them enjoy their childlikeness.

As children gain experience with rules and the reasons for them, they can participate in planning and rule-establishing. You can talk with them before a coming activity and ask what rules would be useful. Evaluate with them the suggestions and agree upon the rules. Then, during the experience, you can remind them of their “good ideas.” For example, before a trip to a park, you should tell the children how long they will stay. Then you may ask questions such as: How shall I let you know when it’s time to go? How will you let me know you’ve heard me? I’ll be at the picnic tables—what area should you stay in so I know where you are? How will you let me know if you need help?

Children need to learn that it’s not all right to interrupt an adult conversation. They may learn how to say “Excuse me” if they have something very important to say. But they must learn to be patient and entertain themselves until the adult gives them the “floor.” When children are with mom all day and used to having her attention, they may find it difficult to share her with dad at the end of the day. They should be told, “I need to talk to dad, now. You may look at your books or play with your toys for a little while. When our conversation is over we will play a game or talk to you.” Then, if the child continues to interrupt, he should be ignored, not rewarded with continued reminders. He may need to be given a choice: “You may play quietly here until we finish our conversation, or go to your room to wait.” Then, of course, when the child does wait patiently, he should be praised and given the needed attention. Though long adult conversations should take place when the child is asleep or otherwise occupied, it’s important for children to learn patience and courtesy for needed adult conversations and phone calls.

Willfulness can be a two-sided thorn. If we are seeing a willful child, we may look to ourselves and find some willfulness there, too. It’s helpful to know that there is really only one will, God’s, which is governing and guiding us. We should ask the question, “What is right?” It isn’t necessary to mediate between differing wills, because what is right, is right for everyone. But it is important for the parent, who is teaching right actions, to have principle-love as the basis of determining what is right. If we make a mistake, it’s best to admit it to the child and let him know we are still learning, too. This will help him learn to let go of self-justification.

Willfulness tends to be perpetuated in one of two ways: either through feeding it by giving in to it, or by butting horns with equal willfulness. Acknowledging your God-given goodness, and that of your child, puts you on the child’s side with willingness to do what’s right against the willfulness that would separate you.

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Listening—An Aid to Problem Solving

By Mildred Cawlfield

Communication is more than talking.

Our canoe glided smoothly down a river lined with wild flowers and lush trees whose branches hid the winged songsters filling the air with their varied calls. Occasionally we passed a cow wading in for a morning drink or a marmot scurrying away as we passed. Dragonflies and swallows dipped down to the river beside us.

How I wanted our little boys to drink in and enjoy this scene as I did. But the fearful whimpers of our three-year-old broke into the quiet as he sat in his life jacket, gripping the sides of the canoe.

“Look at that beautiful flower! Watch and maybe you’ll see a deer!” I exclaimed.

“When can we get out? Don’t stop paddling. Go back to the car!” he sobbed.

I explained that we were going down stream and couldn’t stop until we came to a certain place. We sang songs about riding in a canoe, and hymns which had always comforted him, but the fearful complaining continued.

Finally, I remembered to listen – to tune in, not just to his words, but to his feelings. “The rocking canoe feels kind of scary?” I queried. “Yes!…” A look of relief swept over his face. Then, as I held the paddle, the fear returned. “Keep paddling! Keep paddling!”

“You don’t like me to stop paddling.” I ventured, as I held the paddle up. “No! No! We’ll sink!” he cried. “Oh!” I said. “You think the paddling keeps the canoe floating.”

“Yes, yes! Keep paddling.” he said. Now that the false fear was uncovered, it was easy to explain and demonstrate the facts of the canoe’s buoyancy. We were able to eliminate the fear and allow the beauty of nature’s lessons to be learned.

We followed this experience with experiments in buoyancy of objects. It was also a good lesson for the boys still later in how false fears can be dispelled with the truth. To me, the lesson in the importance of listening was valuable.

Often we’re so busy teaching children what we want them to learn, that we forget to listen and find out just where their thought is, and what they most need to learn. This kind of communicated listening can also help a child define and solve his own problem.

“I can’t find my shoes,” fussed four-year-old Toni, as she was getting ready to go outside.

Let’s look at the alternatives her mother had at this point: she could take over Toni’s problem by finding the shoes for her or by telling her where to look, or she could listen and verbalize her daughter’s dilemma, thus helping Toni solve her own problem. The mother chose the latter course.

She said, “You took off your shoes when you wore them last, and now you don’t remember where that was.” “Yes,” said Toni. “I was playing outside and came in for a bath. Oh!…” she broke off, running to the bathroom where she gleefully found her shoes.

Two-year-old Mindy fussed loudly when it was time for her to leave the Acorn toy library. Instead of engaging in a verbal tug-of-war, her mother gained her cooperation by tuning in.

“You wish you could stay and play here.” After a moment of agreement from Mindy, she went on, “Your brother is getting out of school now and is looking for us to pick him up. Let’s go and show him the toys we’re taking home.”

The mother’s opening statement let Mindy know that mother understood how she felt and caused her to listen to the explanation. She then left willingly.

I have seen parents of infants listening well to their little ones and interpreting their cries understandingly: “He’s crying half an hour before he’s due for feeding. He seems to be extra hungry today. I’ll feed him now.”

“Amy doesn’t like to be wet. A diaper change is needed.”

Here’s an important one: “He’s been fed and changed and talked to and loved. He’s just tired. I’ll put him down. He may cry hard for a few minutes, but then he’ll go to sleep.”

This type of listening helps the infant feel understood and later helps him learn to communicate better with others. One lovely morning, Billy dressed quickly and went outside to swing before breakfast. His mother, feeling the pressure of getting him to preschool, called him in to breakfast. He kept swinging and his mother called again. Finally, she angrily went out to get him, telling him that they would be late for school. An unhappy scene followed and Billy was so upset that he ate very little breakfast.

Later, in thinking it through, his mother said, “If only I had stopped to reason from his viewpoint! I could have said, ‘You dressed quickly so you’d have time to swing. It feels good to swing early in the morning. I’ll give you two extra minutes to swing, because I know you’ll come in quickly for breakfast when I call.’” Thinking through the experience in this way prepared Billy and his mother for some happy experiences to come.

It takes practice to listen to another’s viewpoint, and it isn’t always easy. It requires putting aside self-will. But the rewards of understanding and communication, as well as greater harmony in the home, are well worth the effort.

Common sense is needed in using this approach, however. When the problem is not the child’s but yours, it’s better to communicate your viewpoint rather than his. For instance, Daddy is talking on the phone and Randy starts pounding his pounding board nearby. Daddy says, “When you pound here, I can’t hear on the phone. Take this ball outside and I’ll play with you when I get through.”

The parent can also verbalize the feelings of another child. “Jenny doesn’t like to be pushed. It makes her cry. See if you can give her gentle love-pats and make her happy.” This type of communication is valuable in teaching a child to listen to the viewpoint of others.

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Loving and Appreciating Nature

Loving and Appreciating Nature

By Dorothy Halverson, Director of Acorn Programs

Children and nature go together – or at least, they should. For children, the sense of freedom experienced during the unstructured play that occurs in nature creates a source of independence and inner strength. Being outside feels good. Children are free to explore, move about, and make noise, all delightful forms of self-expression that are often restricted indoors. Children are creatures of nature. They flourish in its presence simply because the trees, the sky, the mountain streams, and the ocean waves beckon them. Even the most energetic children will slow down to dig a hole in sand, watch a ladybug crawl, or spend focused time playing with a stick in a mud puddle. The plethora of activities nature offers are not laden with rules and for a moment, or for days, we get to be in awe of the natural wonders that hold so many mysteries beyond our comprehension. 

The natural world is a giant, open-ended learning laboratory. Children are innate scientists and love to experience the sights, scents, sounds, and textures of the outdoors. Nature provides countless opportunities for discovery, creativity, and problem-solving, and it instills a sense of beauty and calmness. Children learn that by waiting patiently and quietly, the door opens for nature to show its secrets. It exposes us to things that are alive and growing, which promotes curiosity and exploration. With an adult as a guide, children can learn about being gentle and respecting living things. 

It’s fun for children and adults to share imagination together. Spend time following your children and looking at nature through their eyes. As we put away our preconceived notions as to what we’ll see or learn, our sense of wonder will grow. There is always something new to be taken in everywhere, whether we’ve been there hundreds of times before or it’s the very first time. We will never see “sameness.” Children bring our attention closer to the ground, and as a result, often lead us to rediscover the wonders of the earth around us. 

Building and digging in the dirt, watching worms wiggle through the soil, gazing up at clouds, jumping in puddles, listening to birds sing, smelling fresh-cut grass, collecting seeds, or building things with twigs and mud provide endless opportunities for discovery. Interacting with the natural world allows children to learn by doing, and experiment with ideas. All senses become engaged when children interact with nature. In the natural world, children think, question, make suppositions, and thereby develop inquisitive minds. They can play alone or connect with one another, learn to share, and problem solve. 

In the natural world, children will often collaborate to make up games and rules because there are not prescribed sets of instructions. When exploring outside, school-age children may not be in close proximity to adults, which gives them the opportunity to make up their own rules and solve their own problems, without inhibition. 

The youngest children also benefit in many ways from being outdoors, and they still need our supervision. Your child’s open-ended play, whether digging in the garden, running as fast as she can, or collecting wildflowers on a long walk, will be enhanced if you join in. Providing a reasonable balance of risk and safety is our job as parents. Providing some level of challenge allows children to learn the next skill. 

Children all over the world play outside – a unity of shared experiences. Our children are future stewards of the earth. In order to raise adults who are passionate about protecting the environment and preserving our planet, they must first develop a deep love for it. The only way to enable children to grow comfortable in nature is to open the door and allow them to explore the wonder and awe of the natural world.

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Capability and Expectation

expectation

by Mildred E. Cawlfield

Children often amaze us with their comments and observations. They are far more capable of noting discrepancies and making associations than we imagine. We’re more apt to underestimate than to overestimate their intelligence. For instance: A nine-month-old puts a toy telephone to her ear. A one-year-old gets excited when he hears Grandma is coming to visit, though she hasn’t been there for two months. A two-year-old knows it’s the weekly play-in day even though no one has mentioned it. A seventeen-month-old sees that one member in a group is missing a cookie and goes to get one for her. A four-year-old explains the differences between a Boeing 727 and a 737. Parents are in a good position to observe their child’s capabilities, and they can best support their child’s learning when their expectations are in line with those capabilities.

Ability to discriminate

Children are quick to pick up subtle differences in their environment. If an infant of about five months is shown two small objects, one of which he has already explored with hands and mouth, he will nearly always reach for the new one. If a new toy or

object is introduced into a room, a child will always notice it. Children will comment if a familiar item is out of place. This observation of the unusual often leads to questioning by the child and explanation by an adult – hence learning takes place. For instance: a toddler, looking at a picture, points to the feet of a barefoot child and questions, “shoes?” The adult says, “That child has bare feet. It’s a hot day, and he is going to step in that puddle.” The child may later say “bare feet” when his shoes are off. Or, a six-year-old may ask why the moon looks so much bigger when it is on the horizon than when it’s high in the sky. This type of question can lead to research with the child in the library. Children’s receptivity to learning is keen when their questions determine the curriculum, and when parents take one-on-one time with each child, they are in a favorable position to support this kind of learning.

Physical capabilities

Children learn physical skills, given the opportunity. They are quick to know their own capabilities. For example, an eleven-month-old was given a wagon of blocks similar to one she had that she could lean on to walk. But the new one would tip over with pressure. The baby pushed the new wagon down twice, trying to walk with it. After that she crawled to push the new one and walked with the former one.

Young children find their own skill level to practice when given a rich environment. Infants start crawling up the inclined ramp we have in our Acorn active room. Toddlers delight in walking up and down holding onto the railing. Then they get daring enough to let go. Some three-year-olds have discovered they can crawl up the ramp backwards.

When there is a group of children using equipment, the adults in charge need to be alert to establish rules for safety, such as “only two children may go on this climber at a time” or “you must all go up the ladder and down the slide.” Whereas a child playing alone may be allowed more leeway to experiment.

If parents doubt their children’s ability to know their own capabilities, they may offer more help than is needed, and the children quickly learn to depend on the parent instead of gaining their own capabilities. For instance, a parent is tempted to lift a child onto a spring horse, when the child can learn to climb on by himself with a little coaching. A child will go up a climber as far as he feels comfortable and will then practice at that level. If a parent lifts a child onto a high climber, the child will be more dependent upon the adult to keep him from falling rather than trusting his own capability.

Pushing a child in a Swing is a shared joy; but a preschooler can also be helped to learn to swing by himself. An inclined board may be placed under a swing. The child, sitting in the swing, can push backwards up the ramp with his feet, then pull up his feet to swing himself. Pumping can also be learned with a little coaching.

Expectation and Environment

Children assimilate special interests of their parents. A basketball coach’s child was already watching games, throwing, catching, and batting balls before he was two. At four, he dribbles the ball and makes baskets in a full-sized court. He’s immersed in the sport’s environment. His parents aren’t forcing him to learn, but are sharing their joy of sports with him, and he loves to practice.

In another family, where both parents are professional musicians, the children have gone to concerts since they were babies and have learned the language of music. It is natural for them to take lessons and practice daily, and they are all accomplished musicians. Again, the expectation and joy of learning are in the home, but not an autocratic demand that would breed resistance. Children’s individuality comes out in the instruments they choose to focus on. They enjoy playing together and sharing their music with others.

In both instances, the children are joining the parents’ participation in a loved activity, rather than having the activity willfully imposed upon them.

If we want our children to be readers, they should probably see us enjoying books. One observant three-year-old commented, “Grown-ups don’t read books; they just read coupons.”

Ability to solve problems

We are usually quick to solve children’s problems for them rather than giving them the satisfaction of becoming problem-solvers. If a child loses his favorite “snuggly,” we search until we find it instead of saying, “You’re looking for your Teddy. You think he might be behind that chair. You’re trying to remember where you had him last.” We can support his search by verbalizing his efforts.

A child had set for himself the problem of lining up all the wooden buildings across the Brio train board at school. He ran out of space and didn’t have room to put three buildings in the line. He squealed with frustration as he tried to push the permanently

mounted track out of the way. The teacher was tempted to show him that if he lined them up in the middle of the board lengthwise there would be room for all the buildings. Instead, she helped him define his problem: “You want to line up all the buildings, and they don’t fit that way.” He quieted immediately and listened.

“I wonder how you’ll solve your problem,” she continued. “Can you think of another way to line them up?” He put a hand to his chin as he studied the board. Then he said, “I could put them around the track.” He pushed them in a line against the oval track.

“Oh, that’s a good solution,” the teacher said. “Now the trains will go by the buildings.” He beamed with satisfaction.

In the Acorn co-op class, we’re having success in helping children solve conflicts as they learn to play cooperatively. Instead of blaming and reprimanding the aggressor and forcing an apology, we’re working to help the children see the effects of their actions on each other. For instance, when a child kicked the hand of another sitting beside him, he was told, “Your hard foot didn’t feel good on his soft hand. See, it made him cry. Can you do something to make him feel better?…Yes, you can kiss his hand…. Now he’s happy again.” Other children in the group observing this kind of interchange likewise gain a sense of empathy and ideas of ways to solve their own social problems.

Language Acquisition

Usually parents’ expectations are high when it comes to responding to a child’s ability to learn language. Most parents speak to children as though the children already understand their language. If a child expresses an idea with a partial word or sentence fragment, the parent usually responds to the idea rather than correcting the child. Then the parent uses the correct word or phrase in conversation. The result is that most children refine their own speech and learn to talk in a very short period of time. A young child can learn to speak two languages just as easily as one when both are spoken to him. Children will readily learn specific, rather than generic, words as well. A two-year-old, who lived near a farm said “Holstein” or “Guernsey” instead of “cow.” Young children can learn “robin,” “cardinal,” “sparrow,” in addition to “bird.” Flower names can also be learned. Learning takes place if we don’t set out to teach children, but talk with them about what interests us without limiting their ability to understand.

Sometimes a parent limits a child’s language acquisition by holding on too long to his or her babyhood. Parents do a child a disservice if they echo his imperfect speech back to him when he’s trying to refine it. They may think it’s cute to hear him say “ephelant,” so instead of talking about elephants they use his word. This extension of baby talk can limit a child’s ability to communicate with others outside the home. If he doesn’t hear the correct word until he enters preschool, he can be embarrassed when his friends tease him.

Can we overestimate a child’s capabilities?

Acknowledging children’s capabilities doesn’t mean that we should push early academics on them. Teaching an infant to recognize words and numbers, though possible, is not as useful to him as giving him opportunities to learn by exploring his environment, including toys and books, and giving him the language to go along with his explorations. If we expose children too early to drill in adult-directed learning, their desire to pursue that learning later may be dulled. When a child shows interest in numerals and letters, we can share the joys of decoding the written symbols. Children’s interests change, and as parents we can best help children learn by capitalizing on their interests of the moment. Learning takes place rapidly when the child is receptive.

Because of children’s intelligence and ability to pick up thoughts from their environment, we need to be alert to protect them from the prevalent sordid themes in the media. David Elkind, author of The Hurried Child, Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon, states “Hurried children are forced to take on the physical, psychological, and social trappings of adulthood before they are prepared to deal with them.” This kind of hurrying doesn’t happen if we’re observing children within the framework of childhood. We need to allow them the freedom to be children as well as the opportunity to express their unfolding capabilities.

As we realize children’s capabilities, we can put them in the driver’s seat of their own learning, and they will not only gain the skills but the disposition to use those skills.