Category: Spiritually-Based Resources

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Discipline That Teaches

By Dorothy Halverson, Early Childhood Principal

Our children learn to love our values as we find and use discipline that is firm but kind, consistent but flexible, principled but understanding. Our methods really do teach our values. We want our children to love doing what is right, so we don’t build up resistance by ordering them around. We speak to them respectfully and make requests with an attitude of expectancy. “Johnny, I need your help. Will you please set the table?” “Susie, your room will be so tidy when you get your toys picked up.”

Sometimes it helps to give some acceptable choices: “Would you like to take a bath or shower?” “Would you like to hop or skip to bed?” If neither of these is acceptable to the child, we can ask, “Would you like to walk or be carried?” If he doesn’t go, we can say, “Oh, I see you decided to be carried” and do it with a fun trot. The child feels that we’re not going to waver in making a right request, but that we do love him.

We don’t ask questions when there is no choice, such as, “Do you want to come to dinner?” or “I’m going to the store; do you want to get in the car?” “It’s time to …” is a better way to phrase these requests.

We all like to plan ahead and know what we’re doing next. Children can gain a better sense of time and show more cooperation if they are told what’s coming, such as “In a little while we’re going to the store.” Or we can set a timer and say, “When you hear the timer ring, it will be time for you to come in for lunch.”

Suppose the timer rings and nothing happens. We can say, “Oh, you didn’t hear the timer ring? Let’s practice listening for it. I’ll set it for one minute, and when you hear it, you’re going to come immediately.” When the child comes, we can say, “My, how quickly you came when you heard the timer that time!”

Coming when called can be practiced similarly: “You go into the living room, and when you hear your name, see how fast you can come.” Then we can try the bedroom or outdoors, showing great delight when the child comes. A refresher practice session may be needed again from time to time, but this should always be done without anger or a sense of punishment: “Oh, you forgot to listen for your name. Let’s practice and see how fast you can come.”

Similarly, older children who take too long to dress in the morning might need to practice dressing after school to see if they can do it more quickly. It helps to know what to expect of children at different times. A new baby isn’t just crying for attention. He is trying to communicate with us, so we respond and try to understand what his needs may be.

A nine-month-old is taking apart and emptying things without putting them back because learning to take things apart comes before learning to put them together. If he has lots of practice taking things apart and watching us put them together, he’ll soon be putting them together.

 A baby is not being naughty when he drops and throws things. He’s learning the effect of his hands on various objects. He can be taught, however, if we say, “Balls are for throwing. We don’t throw trucks.” At the same time, he should be given a ball (a soft Nerf ball is good for inside).

Little children handle objects because they’re intensely curious, and that’s how they learn about things. It’s best to put breakables out of reach and not have too many “no-no’s” around before the child is two. When he’s older, he can understand the difference between breakable and unbreakable, yours and mine. But if he’s told not to touch too many things, he may be learning, “Don’t be curious. Don’t learn.”

 On the other hand, he must learn not to touch plugs and electric cords. We need to say, “No!” firmly and remove him quickly. Consistency in requiring right actions teaches obedience.

It is good to redirect actions to acceptable alternatives. Put some safe items in a low kitchen drawer. Remove the child if he’s opening a different drawer with a “No,” and then say, “This is your drawer.”

Though we must understand children and not be unreasonable in our expectations, we must also expect enough from them. Children should not be allowed to be disrespectful to others or impolite, to jump on the couch or scratch furniture. If we hold them firmly to right actions when they are young, we can gradually lengthen the rope of authority as they gain responsibility, and they will learn that responsibility brings freedom.

What if a child is expressing jealously, aggression, or willfulness? If we think, “It’s natural for him to be jealous of his brother,” we’re giving credibility to a commonly held, but erroneous, belief and thereby making it harder for him. We might then talk to him and treat him as though he is jealous, aggressive, or self-willed, and he may accept that false concept about himself. It’s important to deny these negative traits as spurious suggestions having no place in our child’s individuality, look at manifestations of them as mistakes to be corrected, and steadfastly hold to a true concept of our child as an expression of Love.

Again, we can hold our child to right actions. If pages of a book are being torn, we need to immediately remove it and say, “Oh, we don’t like our book to have torn pages. We’ll have to put it away.” He learns that when he doesn’t treat a book well, he doesn’t have it again for a while.

We can say, “Oh, sister doesn’t like it when you take her toys away” and then put a hand on his and help him give the toy back. Tell him, “You may play with a toy that sister’s not playing with. We don’t take toys from others.”

Discipline should teach what we want it to teach. Some methods, unfortunately, just teach a child to think, “She doesn’t understand me. I’ll do it when she’s not around.” If there seems to be a running battle over something, it is helpful to think through these points:

  1. What does the child need to learn? State it in positive terms: “Crayons are for drawing on paper, not on walls. We want to keep our walls clean.”
  2. What metaphysical truths can I know about the situation? This step will frequently lead beautifully to improved behavior, and sometimes the problem is met without needing further steps. You might affirm, “My child is an expression of divine Mind and is, in reality, receptive and obedient to his Father-Mother God.”
  3. What actions might I take to help my child learn the needed lesson? FOr example, you could put the crayons away for a while, have him help clean up the marks, or give him paper and supervise while he’s drawing.)
  4. Choose the action which seems best to you. Take it and then evaluate.

Parenting is a constant learning process, and as we strive to use the methods that teach the desired lessons to our children, we find ourselves enjoying them more fully.

From Principia’s Founder

“Discipline is instruction through training, or training which instructs. To be true discipline, the instruction must be an emanation from Principle: its basis and demand must be impersonal; its purpose must be ‘right for right’s sake’.”

“The result of discipline will depend almost entirely on the mental attitude of the parent or teacher administering that discipline. If his objective is to bring healing to the false sense, and his standpoint is loving interest in the child’s progress Godward, the teacher has caught the true spirit of teaching.”

“True discipline rarely creates a breach—it binds both parties closer together in the bonds of love.”

—Education at The Principia, pp. 25, 19, 18

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Principle-Based Discipline

Adapted from Millie Cawlfield’s article “Balanced Discipline”  

Children are the “hope or our race.” (Mary Baker Eddy, Pulpit and Press, p. 9) No gift we give them is more important than good discipline. To discipline, in its truest sense, means to teach. If our work with our children results in our child’s wanting and loving to do what is right, we are truly disciplining.

Mary Kimball Morgan states in her article “Foundational Trusts,” “In childhood, it is very essential that right habits of thought become established—honesty, truthfulness, unselfishness, industry, thoroughness, perseverance, loving-kindness, and all noble qualities which make for Christian character…. Helping our children to love and express all that is pure and good requires us to keep very close to them and to seek divine wisdom constantly in our association with them.” Good discipline teaches right concepts and helps develop self-confidence and dominion over erroneous temptations. 
 
Discipline should be a balance of principle and love. We love and understand our child so that he is free to be creative and gain confidence in the value of his own ideas and thoughts, but we also teach him obedience, self-discipline, and unselfed love. This discipline is neither authoritarian nor overly permissive. It takes thought and practice to establish this balanced sense of discipline, and we often tend to swing back and forth. But the closer we get to this goal, the more harmonious the results will be.
 
Here are some ideas to consider when disciplining:
  • Get down on your child’s level to talk eye-to-eye.
  • When making demands or setting limits:
  1. Ask yourself, “Are these right demands based on Principle, not human will? Are they right for my child’s present stage of development?”
  2. Be consistent in the demands made on the child.
  3. Give directions clearly and simply.
  4. Don’t ask the child a question when no choice is intended. Rather, use a positive tone in your voice:  “It’s time to go now,” not “Are you ready to go?”
  5. Provide genuine opportunities for the child to make choices. Abide by his decisions.
  6. State directions in the positive. “Our feet walk in the house,” rather than “Don’t run in the house!”
  7. Impersonalize the directions—take “you” out of them. “It’s time to go to bed,” rather than “You must go to bed now.”
  • Make good appealing:
  1. Be courteous when making a request of a child as you would be with a friend. Mrs. Morgan states, “Too often one thinks a child needs no special consideration or courtesy shown him…. A genuine courtesy toward children is true discipline and eliminates much of the punishment which is sometimes called discipline” (Education at The Principia, p. 50).
  2. Lay clothes out in a line for the child to put on. Then say, “Here is a bell. I’m putting it on the dresser, and when I hear it rung, I’ll know you’re all dressed.”
  3. Be willing to give the child help with jobs that seem overwhelming to him. The objective is to make the child love order, not force compliance.
  • Redirect wrong actions.
  • Follow through and make sure your child complies. Don’t nurture self-will by giving in when confronted with crying or tantrums.
  • To prevent problems, look for causes of misbehavior:
  1. Ask yourself: “Should I make changes in his environment? Put an irresistible ‘no no’ out of reach? Install a gate? Close a bedroom door?”
  2. Plan ahead: Bring interesting toys on a long trip or to a friend’s house or restaurant.
  3. Don’t make unnecessary demands at “touchy” times in your child’s day (when he’s tired or right before dinner).
  • Give your child a good concept of himself by holding a true concept of him in your thought. Expect good.
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Teaching Social Skills

Written by Mildred Cawlfield, Winter 1977

Sally spontaneously shares her candy with Jill. Jeff runs over to help little Billy, who just fell of his tricycle. Keith and Kevin work out their disagreement with words instead of fists. This is the harmony between children we’re working for, and there are many things we, as parents, can do to promote it. 

Sandy, our toddler, sees another child playing with a toy. The toy takes on new life. Barely conscious of the other child, Sandy walks toward the toy and grabs it. What does she need to learn? That people are not toys; they have feelings, and she can affect those feelings. But if we, the adults, grab the toy from her in turn, with a spank and reprimand, to return it to Joey, Sandy—despite our disapproval—is learning that grabbing and hitting are effective methods. We really do teach more by our actions than by our words. 

Suppose we say, “Joey feels sad when you take his toy away. Let’s give it back, and he’ll feel happy again.” As we say it, we hold our toddler’s hands and help her return the toy. We can say then, “Oh, see how much better he feels!” Then to Joey, “Sandy would like a turn with the toy when you’re through. May she please play with it when you’re finished?” Next, take Sandy away from the scene and help her find a good alternative toy to play with—perhaps even play with her for a moment. When Joey loses interest in the coveted toy, he can be helped to share it. “It looks like you’re ready to play with something else now, Joey. How happy Sandy will be when you share this toy with her!” 

Describing feelings helps a child become aware of them, and this kind of intervention teaches empathy, a necessary ingredient to the expression of love. 

Studies show that there is a correlation between harsh physical punishment and aggressive behavior in children. Also, it has been found that ignoring aggression that takes place in an adult’s presence perpetuates it, because the child feels that the aggression is being condoned. So it’s important to take consistent, appropriate action. This does take our time, and it may seem easier to let the children fight it out. But what rewards there are for spending the time now to teach these needed skills! We not only gain a more harmonious home but build skills desperately needed in the world. 

A good rule for children—like Sandy and Joey—to learn is that we shouldn’t take anything from another person by force, no matter how much we want it. We can ask if we may please have a turn with it when they’re finished. Then children can learn that it helps to get busy with something else, because standing around eagerly awaiting something seems to cause the possessor to maintain his interest in it. 

We don’t teach sharing by making a child give something he is working with to another. We’re merely fostering possessiveness and resentment. If an adult is reading a magazine and is in the middle of an interesting article, we wouldn’t expect him to give it up immediately just because someone comes along and says he wants it. Yet we sometimes make that kind of demand on a child. Sharing comes from the desire to give. It is the feeling we want to foster, not just the act. 

Food is a good thing to use for practice sharing. A child enjoys the obvious pleasure he gives others by passing out cookies or candy, and we can point out, “It makes your friends happy when you share with them.” 

Taking turns is another social skill children must learn. We can take turns speaking at the dinner table, and children can take turns being pushed in a swing or riding a wheel toy. Turns can be measured by counting. We can show what fun it is to take turns and should bill it as a positive, rather than a negative, experience. 

When children disagree, they need to learn to settle their differences verbally rather than physically. “Use words, not fists. Talk it over,” we can say. Sometimes it helps to verbalize a child’s feelings and thoughts, such as “Tommy thought it was fun dancing in a circle with you, but when you went too fast, it frightened him,” or “Johnny would like to have a turn being the daddy instead of always the child.” 

If one child continues to act aggressively toward another child and doesn’t respond to another’s viewpoint, he needs to learn that Principle operates to protect. We need to firmly, though lovingly, take him from the scene to sit on a chair until he can use his good thinking. We can tell him that thinking governs actions, and when he uses good thoughts, he’ll have good action. We can also tell him that we can’t let him hurt another, just as we wouldn’t let anyone hurt him. 

It helps children relate to others when we point out how we and others are similar to them. “Jody likes dolls just as you do.” Or “That loud thunder startled me, too. Aren’t we glad God is here taking care of us?” This type of relating helps children understand the concept that we are all God’s children and forms the basis for practicing the greatest social rule of all, the Golden Rule.

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The Joy of Music

kid with drum

By Dorothy Halverson, Early Childhood Principal

From the soft chimes inside their cuddly, soft toys to the full orchestration of Disney’s Fantasia, children learn how to distinguish different sounds, rhythms, and melodies. Music is innate to every child, and it is filled with Godlike qualities—tenderness, precision, beauty, joy, unity, accuracy. And since these qualities are from God, no one can lack them. Music educates the whole man and ignites all areas of development. No one is without his or her own sense of harmony and the ability to express it. Each of us comes with our own instrument, and each of us can learn to use it with freedom, joy, and fulfillment.
 
Children learn to be musical just as they learn to talk, walk, and dress themselves. They learn through example, trial and error, imitation, and play. Even if you feel you aren’t a great musician, there are lots of ways that you can nurture and help your child develop the musical skills that will enliven and enrich his life and will lay the foundation for musicianship.
 
Infants respond beautifully to music. As you dance with an infant in your arms, take her to the changing table, singing, “This is the way we change your diaper,” or hum a soothing lullaby to comfort her and help her fall asleep, you are building a relationship that fosters trust. Sing simple, short songs in a high, soft voice. Try making up one or two lines about bathing, dressing, or eating to sing to them while you do these activities. Just start putting to melody some of the thoughts and words that come to you, and you’ll have a song. Children love to hear songs with their names and to laugh at the silly songs you make up about what they’re doing. Sing as you hold and play with your baby—she will love watching your mouth. Recorded music can’t possibly substitute for YOU, whether the opportunity happens at bedtime, while you’re picking up toys together, or traveling in a car.
 
Young infants enjoy toys that make musical sounds. Hang musical mobiles, and give babies wrist and ankle bells to hold. Babies’ random movements soon become intentional as they learn that they can make sounds by moving things. Offer toys that make sounds as they are used, such as balls with bells inside or push-and-pull toys that make musical sounds as they roll across the floor.
 
Mobile infants use their bodies as their first rhythm instruments, but you will also want to offer other simple rhythm instruments. Possibilities include drums, xylophones, rattles and shakers, tambourines, clackers, maracas, and wood blocks. These allow children to create and respond to music as they bang, ring, swish, and click. Make sure that anything with small objects inside or attached, such as a shaker or bell, is secure and does not present a choking hazard.
 
As your child’s language skills improve, he will join you as you sing. Sometimes the child will repeat sounds over and over, such as “da-da, da-da, da-da.” Your child may half-babble and half-talk as he sings a familiar song such as “Baa, Baa, Black Sheep.” With your child’s increasing balance and physical coordination, he will enjoy playing simple rhythm instruments and moving to the beat. You may want to make your own instruments. For example, drums can be made from oatmeal containers and cymbals from metal pie pans.  Make rattles and shakers by filling containers with rice, macaroni, or dried beans and fastening the containers very securely. Create a rain stick by using a paper towel tube, some rice, and tape. Turn pots and pans upside down and offer wooden spoons. Observe as your child experiments with different rhythms and sounds.
 
As you interact with your mobile baby, you can promote both his pleasure in and learning from music and movement. Here are some ways to help your child focus on his experiences:
  • Encourage your child to respond physically to music by swaying and moving slowly when the music is slow.
  • Identify different sounds, like a clock ticking or the beating of a drum. Mimic or imitate mechanical sounds. This will encourage him to experiment with and control his voice.
  • Teach simple fingerplays, such as “Open, Shut Them” and “The Wheels on the Bus.”
  • Vary the speed at which you chant rhymes. Sing “Pat-a-Cake” very slowly and then more quickly and invite your child to tap his outstretched hands in your hands to the beat.
  • Move with your child to the beat; bounce him on your knee or in your lap as you chant “Bounce and bounce and bounce away. Bounce and bounce and bounce all day. Bounce high, bounce low. Bounce and bounce and bounce we go!”
 
Toddlers love to dance and move to music.  They are fascinated by the nonverbal sounds they can make. They continue to sing and to enjoy music and fingerplays as social experiences. Share the fun of dancing, marching, and singing together. Use music and movement experiences to build a positive relationship—“Let’s hold hands and stomp through the leaves together.” The key to toddler music is the repetition of songs, which encourages the use of words and memorization.   
 
Two-year-olds love rhythm and repetition. They have become good listeners and are responsive to music with complex patterns. They move their whole bodies in different ways to various kinds of music, jumping, bouncing, falling, and swaying. They love to twirl and fall like autumn leaves and spinning tops, and they begin to sing some of the lyrics of familiar songs.  You will notice that your child can fill in words when you pause, especially when the songs include rhyme and repetition. Encourage your child to focus on the beat by inviting him to clap, stomp, march, or drum to the music’s beat. He may also enjoy creating original melodies or new verses for his favorite songs.
 
Music and movement experiences play an important role in language and literacy development. Songs can be used to promote an awareness of sounds and to encourage children to experiment with language.  Songs, rhymes, and fingerplays are wonderful ways to help children extend language and build vocabulary. As you live music and enjoy it with your child, you’ll see its influence in areas such as memory, speech, listening, coordination, confidence, creativity, and self-control. These processes demand and develop character qualities such as courage, self-discipline, obedience, focus, decisiveness, selflessness, and inner stillness. 
 
The aim in living and teaching music really is to find the nobility in man by involving him in the search for the beautiful, and as you and your child grow together, you’ll enjoy a new and deepening bond with him—one to be cherished and treasured.
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Building Character

By Dorothy Halverson

As increasing emphasis is placed on the importance of a child’s first years and the significant role that parents play as educators, one side effect may be to make conscientious parents feel inadequate with regard to their parenting skills. The work that we do as parents and educators with the youngest children builds the foundation of character. We may frequently ask ourselves, “Are we doing everything possible to help develop the full potential of our children’s character, a character that will be strong enough to hold up in every situation and environment?

One invaluable tool, or building block we use is discipline—not punishment that makes a child suffer without helping him learn, but teaching that leads to self-discipline, through which he can control himself in every situation. We must start with ourselves, since we are models for our children. Can we control our feelings and remain calm when we take a corrective step? Are we always consistent so a child knows what to expect? Is the home atmosphere orderly and harmonious? We want to help our children understand that they are representatives of Life, Truth, and Love—and help them learn to correct and control themselves. For example: What should we do if we take a small child to the grocery store and he continues to whine and beg for a treat? Do we give in and allow a treat so he will stop whining? Mrs. Morgan states on page 23 of Education at The Principia, “There is no greater unkindness that we can show our young people than that which arises from an intense desire to please them even at the sacrifice of their character building.” We must be careful never to reward whining.

Another way of helping a child to gain self-discipline is to have the child practice a right procedure. I had observed on several occasions a child continually bump his tricycle into others as he rode around the playground. He also took his feet off the pedals, which prevented him from controlling it. I had reminded the child that the pedals were his brakes and that he needed to keep his feet on the pedals or he would be asked to park the tricycle. Several times he lost the privilege of riding, since he continued to ram into others. Realizing I needed to approach the problem differently, I suggested that the child practice driving the tricycle safely in an isolated area on the playground. That day, anytime he chose to ride the tricycle, I had him practice in the isolated area where he could not disturb others. He could see his friends happily riding trikes and so desired to be with them. I let him know he was welcome to join them when he was able to ride without bumping others. He decided it was worth his while to make a right choice and control his own actions.

Obedience is another necessary tool in building character. There should be uniform methods and rules in the home to give the child security. The adults should uphold each other’s directions, even though this is not always easy to do. The child will trust our guidance if we are consistent in the requests we make of him. When we give a direction, we should expect an obedient response. And we should pay attention to our own actions. Do we give a direction two or three times? If so, why should the child respond the first time?

Expecting the child to respond to our requests is essential. When we are expecting right behavior and obedience, the child learns that obedience brings joy and happiness. Acknowledging his immediate response will also let him know he is expressing obedience.

Respect is the cement for the building. Without it, the character-building bricks will not hold together. Not only does the child need to respect adults, but we also need to respect the child. We need to respect his individuality, interests, and needs.

Unselfishness, consideration for others, and thoughtfulness, are surely qualities we want in our building. A parent once said to me, “I love my child so much that there is no sacrifice I won’t make for her happiness. My husband and I both put her first in our plans, yet she seems to make more demands. Nothing we do seems to make her completely happy.” These parents didn’t realize that being loving parents doesn’t mean you need to sacrifice everything for your children. Mrs. Morgan states, “Let the children feel their responsibility in making home the dearest spot on earth. Do not be such unselfish parents that you make selfish children” (Education at The Principia, p. 24). This child didn’t have to do any giving. In all her relationships, she was motivated by selfishness because she had no training along right lines.

As architects of this character building, we must look ahead in planning the blueprint to see young men and women who will take responsibility, be dependable, and possess the qualities needed to be effective citizens—“who will be called upon because of their nobility of character” (Education at The Principia, p. 15). The starting point for this kind of building starts early. When a baby can hold a spoon, he becomes responsible for feeding himself. He discovers he can take off his clothes, then later becomes responsible for dressing himself. As new skills are acquired, more responsibility can be taken and dependability develops. Cooperation also results from participation in home activities.

Respect, unselfishness, responsibility, and cooperation all lead to satisfying companionship in the family environment. Character-building isn’t the easiest work to do, and parents won’t see the full results of their labor until years later. It takes much patience and prayerful work. As we accept the responsibility of building character, right attitudes will be expressed by our children and they will help make the world a better place.

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Teaching Spiritual Concepts

By Dorothy Halverson, Director of Acorn Programs

“How can I teach my child the spiritual concepts and moral values I cherish?” is a question often asked by parents. 

Another one follows: “Is it possible to teach spiritual concepts to a young child who’s just learning the language and may not be thinking in abstract terms yet?” 

Most educators agree that the best way to teach our cherished ideas is through example. As we love and live the spiritual concepts that inspire us, the child is certain to benefit. The infant or young child learns the special relationship of father and mother through experience. Our striving to express the qualities of principle and love in parenting can help his growing understanding of his Father-Mother God. 

Studies have shown that a rigid, authoritarian approach to discipline tends to turn offspring from the religion of the parents. A consistent but loving approach gains the respect of children and a desire to learn. As with most education, the learning of spiritual concepts can’t be forced. 

There are many ways to share our love of God with our little ones. Tiniest infants are quieted when we sing favorite hymns or voice spiritual truths. Meals can bring spiritual, as well as physical, nourishment, if we share some inspired thoughts that come to us. Bedtime is another special time to share prayers and spiritual thoughts. The joy and spirit with which we share is always as important as what we share. 

When a child is two or three, a parent can begin to have a regular assembly or special time for a “spiritual breakfast” to explore spiritual ideas together. It’s important to keep these periods brief and interesting to the child. Look for simple concepts that can be meaningful to a child now, such as “God loves me and takes care of me,” “I can treat others the way I like to be treated,” “I can be cheerfully obedient to God, good,” “I can guard my thinking,” “God gives me courage and strength,” or “I can let my light shine.” 

Read or share stories from the Bible to help illustrate a concept. For instance, the story of Daniel in the lions’ den illustrates God’s protection, or moral courage in standing for what’s right. The story of Baby Moses in the bulrushes shows God’s care for His children. 

You can also tell present-day parables. My daughter enjoyed hearing stories I made up about children who had experiences remarkably similar to her experiences (though their names were different), and who found spiritual solutions to their problems. Children sometimes suggest solutions for their story friends and so are better prepared for the next perplexing situation that arises in their own experience. 

Hand puppets can illustrate successful solutions to moral or social dilemmas. A character might find that when he’s kind, others are kind to him; that when he’s obedient, things work out better; or when he’s honest, he’s trusted. Children love to help reform errant puppets and can try different roles by being one of the puppeteers. 

There are activities or games which can teach spiritual or moral concepts. A favorite one is the “knock knock game” which helps children differentiate between useful thoughts and detrimental ones. The child holds up a “door” or book and you knock on it saying, “Knock, knock.” 

“Who’s there?” asks the child. 
“I’m a little thought that says, “Don’t come when Mommy calls,’ May I come in?” 

The child holds the book in place and shakes his head, and you say, “Good. You know not to let that thought in. Here’s another thought…..” If the thought is a helpful one, the child turns or opens the “door.” 

You can present several thoughts and then let the child knock on your door of thought. A similar game uses an old or toy telephone and the child can hang up on “error” thoughts. 

An activity to teach the concept of “letting your light shine,” is to put a bag over a lighted flashlight to show that when it’s covered up no one can see it. It’s important to carefully relate the illustration to the point you want to make. You might next put the bag on your head so the children can’t see who you are. If they want, they can put it on their heads and you can “wonder” who they are. Then you can say, “If I go around without saying ‘hello’ to people or helping them, it’s just as if I had a bag on my head. No one can see who I really am, God’s loving child.” 

There are many such activities that can teach spiritual or moral concepts. 

Preaching to a child or correcting him with a truism can backfire — turning him against the idea you wish to teach. It’s better to let him know when he is obeying a cherished precept, so he’ll learn to love it. For instance, “When you gave that toy to your little sister, you were obeying the Golden Rule. You knew that would make her happy, didn’t you?” 

The most important thing to remember in teaching spiritual ideas to our children is to share the spirit and not just the letter. If we’re meeting resistance, it’s a signal to try a different time, place, or method. 

It’s helpful to know that God is guiding and attracting His children, and we’re not intermediaries; but we can be inspired to share ideas we know are important in the very best way. 

“What have I to teach another? Only what I myself have learned. My ability to impart will be in proportion to my own receptivity and utilization of that which is of value in my own experience. Intellectual food can be imparted only by one who has achieved scholarly attainments. Important as this phase of the work is, it is only one phase of education. Spiritual culture is of greater importance and is regarded as first in value.” (Education at The Principia p. 67-68)

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Teaching Family Values to Our Children

The highest goal of parents is to impart strong values and morals in their children. Nothing makes parents happier than to see their children demonstrate unselfishness, honesty, courage, responsibility, or wisdom. Parents have a better opportunity than anyone else to influence the values of their children. The ways to do this have been a subject of research and are a current interest of many. 

Here are some questions that can help us in our search for ways to best communicate and teach our values to our children. 

• What qualities do we value? A good place to start is to make a list of those qualities we most want to see manifested in our children’s experience and our own. In addition to the aforementioned qualities, we might want to include obedience, self-control, patience, kindness, independence, perseverance, humility, and others. Lists will vary according to what qualities we value the most.

• What quality do I want to work on this week? The best way to teach values is to exemplify them. It’s easiest to focus on them one-at-a-time for ourselves as well as in our work with our children. We can choose one quality to work on for a week or a month and write that quality on a piece of paper. Then, we need to post the quality where we will be reminded of it as we go about our day — on the mirror in the bathroom, on the refrigerator; or perhaps, if we’re on the go, in the car or in our pocket or purse. 

As an example, let’s consider the quality of “self-control”. We write “self-control” on a piece of paper or Post-it note and then we place it where it will be seen. [Throughout the article, italics will be used to help illustrate the questions using the quality of self-control.] 

• What evidence do we have of the spiritual source and presence of these qualities? Let’s think of times when we have felt the presence of the qualities we value. When have we felt impelled to be honest or generous? When have we seen our children naturally express order, affection, or the quality-of-the-week (self-control)? How does a person we admire express the quality? What can we do to live more of this quality? As we see the spiritual source of these qualities, we’ll see that they are already present, not lacking. We’ll be able to say to ourselves and our children, “You have control. You can express it.” 

• What Bible stories, verses, stories of heroes, or other narratives illustrate the qualities we value? Children love stories, and telling them stories that bring out ways to express the qualities we value is a good way to teach. Stories of our own childhood, or of other relatives’ lives, will be especially enjoyed. You can tell Bible stories to illustrate self-control. Daniel must have had self-control when he was thrown into the den of lions (Daniel, Chapter 6). Jesus exhibited control when he stooped and wrote on the ground after the Jews, hoping to entrap him, brought him a woman they had caught “doing the wrong thing” (John 8). Use words that children understand and can relate to their own experience. There’s no need to use words that introduce evil concepts they’re not yet ready to perceive. 

In addition to finding a story that illustrates the value you are teaching, you can make one up using ideas your child can relate to. As a present-day parable, it can meet your children right where their thought is. You can tell a story, or act one out with puppets, about a child who has had experiences similar to those of your child and who works them out in a positive way. For example, you could tell a story about a child who gets upset because she doesn’t want to put on a coat when instructed to do so by her mother. In the story she can regain control, put on the coat, and discover that she’s happier expressing self-control and obedience because it’s very cold outside. 

• What are some ways to extinguish opposing tendencies or beliefs? It helps for us to get rid of so-called reasons why we or our children can’t express certain desired qualities. For instance, we should rule out any thought that heredity could influence qualities that are God-given. We can also keep beliefs of personality types or expediency from being excuses for limiting virtues. In addition, we can think through how we will act when a similar situation comes up again. What can we do or say the next time we have the opportunity to assert our self-control? We can help our children prepare their thought for what they might do or say the next time they feel they are losing control. 

• What are some ways of practicing, or helping our children to practice, the traits we value? We can look for opportunities throughout the day to express the quality we value. We can even set the stage for such practice. For instance, if we are working with our children to express the qualities of caring, sharing, or cooperation, we can support them by inviting friends over for play dates and helping them plan how they will share their toys or snacks. 

They can also act out ways to express the quality of the week. Puppets can be used to help establish the desired virtue. After we give examples of working through situations where self-control is needed and then used, our children can act out a situation showing how they can use their self-control. A puppet can be the child losing his temper and then regaining it. The puppet can also play the part of the parent. 

If you lose your temper in a situation, it’s helpful to sit down for a moment, be quiet, and affirm to yourself that God is in control. Then you can go back and replay the scene or apologize, if needed. This is a good example that lets your children know what to do when they “lose it.” You can give them the opportunity to regain control in their room, on their bed, or sitting on a chair, and then to replay the scene. 

• Catch the quality being expressed! It is far better to catch a child expressing a desirable quality than to remind him or her that a quality is being neglected! Let’s gratefully acknowledge our own progress as we utilize the values we’re striving for. The idea is to help our children and ourselves see that we can and do have these qualities to express, and we can bring them to the fore in our experience with delightful results.

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Holidays and Traditions

Many happy occasions bring families together to share the joy of each other’s company. Husbands and wives combine ideas from their own backgrounds to form family traditions that are shared with children.  It’s wonderful to see how these ideas change over the years as children grow and add their own input to the collage of celebration activities.  

What do children learn from traditions that continue from year to year?  They learn  how special they are to the family, and they gain a feeling of belonging to a larger group. They learn to contribute to the family and to cherish the warm glow that comes from selfless giving.  Each opportunity to learn social skills and build strong relationships with loved ones is a step towards maturity, and family members are blessed in the process.

The simplicity of the Christmas story and its message speak naturally to the hearts of children. Many families make the Bible the center of their celebration of this holiday. Society would like to make Christmas a very materialistic time of year, and parents need to be alert to this pressure.  It’s helpful to read Mary Baker Eddy’s views of Christmas and to understand her de-emphasis on “Santa” (The First Church of Christ, Scientist, and Miscellany, p. 261).

Charitable organizations and churches can provide outreach opportunities in the form of clothing and food drives to broaden children’s perspectives on this holiday, introducing local and international avenues for giving. And if you have the opportunity to include a foreign exchange student, a friend from church, or some neighbors in your celebrations, your child will grow to accept your enlarged concept of family and naturally be inclusive in his thought of others.

Traditional music of the season can be introduced.  Some families find time for performances geared to the age of their children, like “The Nutcracker” or a holiday Pops concert.  But a sure way to bring seasonal music into your children’s experience is to sing it to them – in the car, before bed, or while decorating your home.

Consider keeping Christmas gently paced and tailored to the age of your children, then each year will bring more joy to the family celebration.

Gifts 

It doesn’t take long for children to learn that the visit of a relative or the advent of a certain holiday will bring a gift or perhaps many gifts.  If the gift becomes more important than the loved one or special holiday, it’s time to help the child focus on his own opportunity to share with another.  The parent could pose questions to guide the child’s thought away from “receiving” and more towards “giving:”

  • “How can we make Grandma and Grandpa feel welcome? Maybe you can make a pretty picture or pick some flowers.”
  • “What would you like to make for Auntie from Play-doh?”
  • “Can you think of something that Uncle might like to hear about?  How about your cars (or dolls)?”
  • “Would you like to help make Christmas cookies for our visit with the neighbors?”

Having something to “give” will help direct the excitement into a constructive channel, so the child will experience more of the spirit of the occasion.

Young children love to open gifts! They can do this more easily if the gifts are loosely wrapped or tucked into a festive gift bag. Allowing enough time to enjoy the gifts after they are opened may take a long time, but it is much more satisfying for little ones. Should there be an overabundance of new toys, some can be put away for later.

Books

Parents can help children recognize the reason behind holiday observations by reading simple books about the celebration.  Frequently these become favorites as the time for the holiday draws near.  For special holidays, like Christmas, a family might enjoy gradually building a small library that gets put away with the decorations. Grandparents love adding to this tradition, personalizing the inside covers.  Reading these dedications then becomes an integral part of reading the book.

Here is a short list of books you might consider purchasing for a Christmas library:

  • A Time to Keep: The Tasha Tudor Book of Holidays, by Tasha Tudor
  • All Paths Lead to Bethlehem, by Patricia McKissack
  • The Night Before Christmas, by Clement Clark Moore (many editions available)
  • Christmas in the Manger, by Nola Buck and Felicia Bond
  • The First Christmas Night, by Keith Christopher
  • The Story of Christmas, by Patricia Pingry
  • How the Grinch Stole Christmas, by Dr. Seuss
  • The Animals’ Merry Christmas, by Kathryn Jackson

Cards

From birth on, children receive greeting cards for many occasions from loved ones and friends. These tokens of caring can form links to people that the children may be very close to, or they may represent the love of dear friends whose paths the children will cross in later years. A collection of these mementos, stored in a box or put in an album, can be a treat for parent and child to share on a rainy day or for the child to review on his own in later years.

Photos

Family gatherings are often recorded by parents, grandparents, and friends. These occasions form links to the past that children love to review with parents and to remember. If albums of pictures are stored, many days can be enriched by reviewing these the memories.

Families whose loved ones live at a distance may choose to stay close by calling, Skyping, or Facetiming. This can be a regular sharing that helps to bridge the distance.

Holidays provide highlights for the years families spend together, especially when a recurring event brings fond memories to us all. May you enjoy forming special holiday traditions with your family!

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Proper Demands and Choices

By Mildred E. Cawlfield

The trickiest part of parenting is deciding when to set and enforce rules with children and when to give opportunities for independence and initiative. Parents have more experience and broader perspectives than a child, so they should set reasonable limits for children’s behavior and follow through consistently to enforce them. Failure to do this can result in an overindulged child who isn’t pleasant to live with. On the other hand, if there are too many rules, a child lacks the opportunity to become responsible and to think for himself. 

Sometimes at Acorn seminars parents share ideas of rules they feel are important for young children and also what choices they give children in various areas. Probably the area of greatest divergence among parents is limit- or rule-setting, because we all have slightly different expectations of children based on our own experience and understanding of children’s capabilities. The best rules are ones that are in keeping with the child’s present capabilities and can be enforced consistently. 

For instance, to insist that a one-year-old be toilet trained, or that a two-year-old sit quietly with “good manners” through a formal hour-long meal, will lead to a stressful situation. Whereas a parent can reasonably expect and teach a toddler to sit down while he eats and not to climb on tables or throw food or hard objects. The parent sees that the child obeys (if necessary moving him physically, lovingly but firmly) while stating the rule. (“We sit down to eat.” “Tables are not for climbing.” “Balls are for throwing.”) Remember that praise of good behavior is the most effective learning procedure. 

In the latter part of the second year, the one-year-old learns that he has some ideas of his own that differ from his parents’. He takes delight in communicating these ideas and trying them out. It’s important for him to learn then and throughout childhood that some of these ideas are fine and others are not. The most important job of the parent is to help him see which ideas help him fit well into the family — or society — and which ones need to be eliminated or modified. 

To help with this process, it’s good to think through your expectations and also what choices you can give the child in various situations. Remember that your decision must seem right to you, and will vary from home to home. It’s important not to let a child manipulate or dominate you. If a child wants a choice that’s not offered, the parent simply says, “That’s not a choice.” These expectations and choices will change as the child grows older. 

Bedtime 
Common expectations of parents: 
• The parent decides when and where bedtime is to be, taking into consideration the child’s readiness and need for sleep. 
• The child is to be dressed appropriately for bed and have necessary preparations made – teeth brushed, drinks taken and toilet needs met. 
• Parents establish a bedtime routine they can live with. 

Possible choices for children: 
• Which stuffed animal to take to bed. 
• Which pajamas to wear. 
• What story to listen to. 
• How to go to bed (walk, tiptoe, hop, piggyback ride, etc.). 

Mealtime 
Expectations: 
• We sit down when we eat. When we leave the table, it means we’re finished. 
• We wash our hands before and after eating. 
• We eat nicely so others will want to be with us. (The definition of “nicely” varies with the age of the child.) 
• We eat at regular periods. (a regular snack time may be included.) 
• We don’t eat sweets between meals. 
• The child takes responsibility for eating and feeding himself after age two, having gradually gained the needed skills during the previous year. 
• We try to take a taste of every food offered. Some food should be available at every meal that you know your child will eat. (Note: the receptivity to foods should be strongly encouraged, but can’t be forced. Forced eating merely reinforces a child’s conviction of his tastes.) 
• Small portions will be served and seconds offered. 
• We clear our plates off the table. 

Choices: 
• Some food choices — which breakfast cereal, which way to fix eggs, which kind of sandwich at lunchtime, etc. 
• Which way to help the cook before dinner (deciding between choices given). 
• If choices are available, which spoon, cup, plate, or napkin to use. 
• Which food to eat first (trying the least preferred food, when hungry, aids receptivity.) • Whether to have a second helping or not. 

Dressing 
Expectations: 
• We wear clothes appropriate to the occasion and the temperature. (Parents, because of their experience, determine this, but must be in tune with the child’s temperature needs. Sometimes the impersonal authority of the thermometer helps the child understand the ruling.) 
• The general rule may be supported by more specific ones such as: A certain kind of clothes and shoes are worn to church; another kind are for play, etc. 
• The parents may determine when the child should be dressed (i.e. before breakfast, etc.) • Clothes are to be hung up or put in the laundry — not on the floor. 
• If favorite clothes are in the laundry, the child must wait until the next regular laundry time to have them again. (Doing extra daily laundry to satisfy dressing whims doesn’t give a child the proper perspective of his rights in relation to others’.) 

Choices: 
• Which of two or three appropriate outfits to wear. 
• Which hook to hang clothes on. • What accessories to wear with clothes. 
• Whether or not to have special play dress-up times using specified clothing. 

In Social Situations 
Expectations: 
• We use gentle hands and feet with our friends. 
• We use words, not unkind actions, to communicate our feelings and desires. 
• If we’ve made someone unhappy, we have the responsibility for helping him be happy again. 
• If we want something, we ask nicely for it or ask for a turn with it. • If someone wants something we have, we explain what we’re doing with it, and when we’re finished, we give him a turn. 

Choices: 
• What friends to play with (in some cases). 
• What toys (that we don’t want to share) to put away before friends come to our house. 
• What toys to take to our friend’s house to share. 
• What toys to play with that someone else isn’t using. 

You may wish to add to or subtract from this list when starting your own. The child will learn and follow the rules if those adults caring for him agree and enforce them consistently. Though there will always be some variation, this is an important goal to strive for. Be assured that your child can understand some inconsistencies of rules as they vary from one place to another. Children are remarkably perceptive in determining what the limits are in each setting. They will take their cue from you! 

“It takes courage to train our children in the things which most thoroughly make for happiness. Obedience, unselfishness, consideration, self-sacrifice, thoroughness, accuracy, and honesty are not acquired without real striving. And yet they are essential to successful living.” (E.A.P. p. 27)