Category: From the Vault

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From the Vault: Sibling Friendship

by Mildred Cawlfield

As the Acorn two-year-olds were departing after a morning school experience, some carried remaining treats of fruit pieces in cups. Eric leaned over and peered into his twin brother’s cup.

“All gone,” said Tom, holding his cup up for his brother to see.

Spontaneously Eric reached into his own cup, took out some pieces, and put them into his brother’s. Both grinned as they walked out munching their treats. This natural brotherly affection can be the norm when we reject the belief that siblings must be rivals. Despite that widely accepted, self-fulfilling belief, brothers and sisters can be the best of friends.

Before the birth of our second child, I had been convinced of the inevitability of sibling jealousy, so I expected it and prepared for it. After the younger son came, I at first consciously withheld affection from him in the presence of the older son because of this expectation. And, of course, I saw the jealousy I was looking for.

Fortunately, since love, peace, and harmony were valued in our home, the sense of rivalry was overcome and the boys became close friends.

Several years later, with two more children, we had an opportunity to replay the opening scenes of the sibling drama. This time I saw that the affection I expressed for the little one in the presence of the older child became a model for him. Obviously, the baby was a new family member to be cherished and our older child fulfilled our expectations as a loving brother.

Adjusting to a new family member is a learning experience for an older child, as well as for the parents. You can prepare the older child by talking about friends of his who have a baby brother or sister, and tell him, “Now it’s time for us to have a larger family.” You can help the child see that it will be a promotion, to be a big brother or sister – one which will include some special privileges, too, like being able to help push the stroller or stay up an extra half-hour.

If there is too much talk about the baby months before its appearance, however, the wait can seem interminable to a two or three-year old, so save most of it for the month or two before baby’s arrival.

Make any changes, such as moving the older child to a big bed, well in advance of the birth. Explain (in this case) that he is now big enough for a big bed, rather than that the crib is needed for the baby.

After the baby comes, show the older child pictures of himself as a baby. Tell him how he used to wear diapers but now he can use the toilet and gets to wear big-boy pants. Tell him that he couldn’t talk to you then and tell you what he wanted, as he can now, and that he just cried when he needed something – that when he was a baby he had to stay wherever you put him, so you tried to find happy places for him to be, but now he can walk and run wherever he wants to go. Let him know that you took care of him just as you now care for the baby and that the baby will grow like he is and will later be able to play with him.

Be sure to point out that baby’s admiration for his big brother or sister when the infant is watching. For instance, “See her watch you. She thinks it’s great the way you can run and walk and eat all by yourself.”

An older child has an opportunity to learn selflessness and patience while he waits for baby’s needs to be met. He also should know that the baby himself will learn patience. At a time when nothing more needs to be done for the baby, you can say, so that big brother can hear, “Baby, you’ll have to be patient now. Johnny needs me.”

Your older child can learn to be gentle with the baby. Talk to him about using his gentle hands; tell him that he is strong and mustn’t use all his strength when he hugs baby, just as Daddy doesn’t use all of his strength when he hugs. Gentleness is holding strength in reserve.

When children are close in age, it’s best not to establish ownership of all toys or to try to have two of everything. Each child may have a few very special things of his own, like a favorite stuffed toy or something for which he has a unique interest or attachment. These should be put in a certain place out of the way.

An older child may want to work, at times, at a table out of reach of a younger one, or may want to have a gate across his door while he builds with blocks and construction toys. Toys inappropriate for a younger one, such as crayons, paints, or those with small pieces, should be kept out of his reach and played with during his nap time or in a closed-off area.

Most toys should be jointly owned and used on a first-come/first-play basis. This eliminates much needless ownership hassle. If a child is playing with a toy and the other wants it, the latecomer can learn to say, “May I play with it when you’re through, please?” Then he can play with something else while he awaits his turn. If these policies are established early, the children will learn to co-operate in the same way with other playmates.

When there are disputes, it’s best for parents not to take on the role of judge and assess blame, though they can make it clear that the problem must be solved in a peaceful way. “We use words, not fists,” is one good rule. The children themselves can be made to sit and talk over their problem until they come up with a solution. At first you may need to help by asking each one to tell the other how he feels or by trying yourselves to verbalize their feelings for the children.

For instance: “Heather feels that you don’t love her when you push her, so she cries” or, “Tony didn’t understand that you were playing with that truck, and had just parked it while you were looking for a man to put in it.” This kind of help not only shifts the responsibility for solving social problems to the children but gives them the means for finding solutions. If one child is clearly the aggressor, however, the parent might have him sit by himself for a few minutes to think about how he can use his loving hands or feet.

I recently asked a mother of four children close in age what ideas had been most useful to her in encouraging sibling friendship. She said that it’s helpful for the children to work together toward a common goal, so she looks for goals such as cleaning up for outside time, planning a party, or deciding what to have for dinner. Each child takes a part in accomplishing the main goal and appreciates the contributions of the others.

When the children have a spat, this mother has them sit and talk it over until they can come to her with their solution. She has found that ridicule and rivalry can be eliminated – when a child is feeling fear or inadequacy – by encouraging another to help him. For instance, one of her younger children was afraid of the dark and an older one, who had overcome that fear, was asked to talk to her and help her. This family has discovered that one never wants to put down a friend he’s helping.

Children don’t really want to feel equal to each other in every way. But they do – each one – want to feel special and appreciated. As parents, you can do much, both to help your children appreciate each other’s uniqueness, and to set the stage for harmony. On top of everything else, working toward the goal of peace at home is bound to add needed peace to the world scene.

*names have been changed

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Nurturing and Letting

By Mildred Cawlfield

“I never realized how completely caught up and absorbed I’d be by a child until after my baby came!” is a comment frequently heard from new parents.

An infant changes a couple’s focus and becomes the center of future planning. Even when expectant parents have eagerly looked forward to the new focus, they are still surprised by the depth of commitment and responsibility when the baby is theirs to care for.

Indeed, this is one of the difficulties of the many teenage pregnancies of today – the needed responsibility and commitment demand maturity.
The greatest need of an infant is a loving and dedicated care-giver. In the growing-up years, a child goes from complete dependency in infancy, to independence at maturity.The process takes both the assuming of responsibility on the part of the child, and the letting go of responsibility by the care-giver. The process is not always a smooth or obvious transition and often takes prayerful thought.
The releasing from dependence can begin right away as the parent gives up a false, fearful sense of responsibility and realizes that the infant is, in reality, God’s child. This realization can result in intuitive listening to the child’s needs.

Recently, a mother was in my office with a tiny new infant who was crying.  She had taken all the steps she could to comfort the little one, including feeding, holding, patting, etc., but the baby continued to cry. Finally, she insightfully put the baby down on the blanket, saying, “I’m going to let you work this one out by yourself.”In just a moment, the baby was quiet, happily looking around.

The right sense of letting go doesn’t mean expecting too much of a young child, or leaving him by himself for long periods, of letting him have the run of the neighborhood, or giving up the devoted attention that he needs. It means allowing him to be with a sitter or in the loving care of another for a while. It means letting him make some decisions and gradually assume responsibility for his own actions. It can mean letting a baby feed himself, even though he’s messy, or letting a toddler learn to dress himself. It can mean letting him have experiences with others away from home and allowing him to learn from his own mistakes.
 
For some parents, the process of letting go seems to be more challenging than others. Likewise, some children are eager for independence, while others are more cautious.
 
There are number of ways a parent can help a reluctant child make the transition to a new experience. The parent’s attitude is most important. There should be a conviction that the new activity is a right one for the child and that it will be harmonious.
 
Once a mother brought her preschooler to the entrance of a Sunday school class and asked him if he wanted to go to Sunday school. He had had no previous experience to be able to make that decision. The teacher invited him in and interested him in a book, telling the mother that he would be fine. Though he was happy, the mother, before leaving, again approached him and asked, “Are you sure you want to stay?” – whereupon the boy shook his head and the mother took him away.
 
It’s important, in an experience like this, to tell a child in a matter-of-fact way that you will be leaving him for a little while. Prepare him ahead of time, letting him know what the activity will be like, and that you will come back and get him at the right time. This develops trust and establishes the basis of a helpful family rule: namely, that we always tell each other where we are going to be. If we demonstrate the benefits of this rule to children when they are small, it will be easy to enforce when they get older, and we won’t ever need to wonder where they are.
 
After you’ve told your child that you will, and will back to get him, don’t linger longer than necessary before leaving him or he will sense your doubt of his ability to make the transition. It takes strength to leave a child crying, but, in most cases, as soon as the parent is out of sight the child is happy. Sometimes, a little one clings tearfully to mother, but is perfectly happy to be dropped off by daddy or an older sibling. Often, bringing along a cherished item will help with the transition.
 
A mother, seeing her child’s need for freedom from clinging to her for security, enrolled him Acorn’s weekly co-op. Instead of becoming happy after his mother’s leave-taking, the continued to sob, soaking his big handkerchief with teachers despite all our efforts to focus his thought on the interesting things we were doing. It seemed wise to help him gain a progressive sense of freedom rather than to force the break.
 
So, after consultation with the mother, we encouraged her to stay each week and help him gain his freedom in the following way: She brought two egg timers, showed her son how they worked; then, at some point during the play period, they both turned over their timers and she left, telling him that she would return when the sand was all down. At first the period was tearful, he clinging to a book of favorite hymns with pictures his mother had made, but soon his apprehension lessened.
 
Then, his mother brought two-wind up timers and each day extended the time she was away. In a few months the boy stayed happily through the session without her and had no difficulty with separation the following year when she enrolled him in Principia’s Pre-School.
 
As we continue to gain an expanded sense of our children’s individuality and capability and let go of our personal sense of responsibility accordingly, we won’t hold on and dominate, but will be ready to rejoice with them when they leave our homes and establish their own.
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Moral Education: Leading Thought to Higher Levels

Five-year-old Jenny spontaneously picks up her room, taking delight in arranging her things in an orderly way. Kenny gives a rock from his treasured collection to a friend, delighting in his friend’s joy. Our toddler, Penny, starts to reach for the forbidden TV knob, then pulls back her hand and walks away.

These are moments that warm a parent’s heart – when the child wants to do the right thing. Is there anything we can do to encourage more of these commendable acts?

One way to approach this question might be to ask another one: why does a person do what we consider to be ‘the right’ thing? Dr. Lawrence Kohlberg, of Harvard University, has come up with answers that have won him wide acclaim and given impetus to some moral education programs in the schools. Kohlberg suggests six progressive stages of moral development, if we view these stages as periods through which each individual must go to reach maturity, and then try to label children accordingly, we are indeed limiting them, as well as our means of teaching them. But if we view the six steps as progressively higher reasons for doing the right thing, they can be a useful tool for working with children.
Briefly, they are:
1. Fear of punishment;
2. Hope of personal rewards;
3. Wish to be considered good;
4. Respect for man-made rules;
5. Respect for the rights of others;
6. Belief in universal principles applicable to all mankind; a matter of conscience

With these in mind we might look at a child’s possible reasons for wanting to pick up his toys (the first two illustrations show that there can be a range of degree within a step or stage of reasoning) :
1. Because he’ll get a spanking if he doesn’t, or because his parents won’t let him watch TV or play with his friends until he does.
2. Because his parents promise him a new toy if he picks them up, or because he can find his toys more readily.
3. Because he knows his parents and friends will consider him to be good if he does.
4. Because he has learned to respect the firmly established rule in his home that toys must be put away at the end of the day or before he takes out more.
5. Because he truly believes that the other members of the family have a right to a neat home and he wants to do his part.
6. Because he loves order, takes great pleasure in expressing it, and is not comfortable unless he is expressing it.

Looking at a child’s response this way, we can see that his reasons may shift from time to time (Even as an adult, I may be operating at step 3 when I quickly pick up the house before company comes.) But we can also see that communication to the child might have some effect on the level of his thinking.

If our sole means of getting a child to do the right thing is to punish him or to threaten him with punishment, we may be limiting his opportunity to respond to higher levels of thought. On the other hand, it may take a good deal of praise (step 3), rewards (step 2), and some punishment (step l), before a family rule is firmly established.

In the process we may communicate in ways that lead to stages 5 and 6. For instance, stage 5: “Daddy will be so happy when he comes home to a neat house”; “Thank you ! I have such a wonderful feeling when the whole house is neat and orderly” – or stage 6: “Doesn’t your room look beautiful with everything put away?” In addition, we might make a special effort to show a good example of order ourselves. (If we do this we’re using stage 5 – thinking . ) We can also look with the child at the order is nature and talk with him about how each one of us inherits and can express the quality of order from God.

Let’s look at some possible reasons, from a child’s viewpoint, for coming when he’s called.
1. “I might get punished if I don’t come.”
2. “Mother sometimes has a surprise for ne when I come quickly.”
3. “Mother thinks I’m good when I come right away.”
4. “Children are always supposed to come when parents call.”
5. “The family won’t have to wait.”
6. “It’s right to be punctual, so I’m impelled to come when I’m called.”

We can analyze other right actions we wish to encourage in the same way: cooperating, sharing taking responsibility, being honest. This kind of analysis can open new ways of thinking and provide helpful guidelines for parental action. (M. E. C, )

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A Good Start for Babies

by Mildred E. Cawlfield

When new babies arrive, they usually already know how to eat and sleep. They let us know when they’re hungry and when they are full. Parents learn to listen to know when the cry means hunger or some other need. They gradually help the baby get into a predictable schedule. A new baby will often go to sleep soon after starting a feeding. In that case, the parent can try to waken the baby by gently washing his face with cool water on a soft cloth or cotton swab. 

Eating problems can start after the first couple of months if the parent tries to get the baby to take a little more after he is full, by jiggling the nipple in his mouth or by moving him around and trying to burp him frequently. If a bottle-fed baby is taking only two or three ounces every two hours, there is a need to lengthen the time between feedings and increase the amount of formula. If the baby drains a four-ounce bottle, more should be offered at the feeding and the times between feedings will lengthen. 

A nursing baby as he grows and gets hungrier will increase the amount of mother’s milk by having days of wanting to eat more frequently. If the mother understands this and feeds him more frequently, the supply is increased and the baby goes back to longer stretches between feedings. 

The parent shouldn’t take away from the child the major responsibility for eating, by trying to get him to eat more than he wants. If the child turns his head away or indicates he doesn’t want to eat, he shouldn’t be forced or tricked into eating. This leads to resistance and lack of trust. 

Sleeping problems can start if the parents take away from the baby the responsibility for going to sleep by making themselves a part of the going-to-sleep process. If a child is accustomed to having the parent give a bottle or nurse, rock, or put a pacifier in his mouth in order to get to sleep, then he may be unable to return to sleep on his own when he awakens in the night. 

An older baby is capable of getting enough food during the day. Awakening in the night for food to get back to sleep is merely a habit. 

If parents have already made themselves part of the going-to-sleep process, and a baby of six or seven months or older is awakening in the night, it will take some fortitude to help the child learn to go to sleep alone, but it can be accomplished in less than a week. Put the baby down after a little routine, such as a song or prayer, and gently pat him down. Then leave the room. If he cries, which he will probably do, return after a few minutes and put him down again with a reassuring pat, and leave again. Lengthen the time of returning up to fifteen minutes between visits, but be sure not to stay with the baby until he falls asleep. If you give in and hold or feed the baby until he is asleep, you will have to start the learning process again. You can support the process with your prayers, and be assured that the crying periods will quickly shorten. The baby will soon learn how to get to sleep alone, and you will no longer be needed in the night to get him back to sleep. He will happily exercise his responsibility in that area. 

Regular toilet training doesn’t start until a child is around two years old. However, a parent may put a baby on a little potty seat on the toilet for bowel movements from as early as ten or eleven months, if the child is regular and shows some indication when starting to have a movement. This can be easier than changing a diaper, and if the baby is not pressured it can be a happy lead-in to regular toilet training. The parent should stay with a child when he is on the potty, talk or read books, and acknowledge when elimination occurs. No disappointment or indication of failure should be voiced if the movements are missed. This procedure may need to be dropped for periods when there seems to be no regularity, but can be picked up again when regularity returns. The responsibility will be the parents until the child is around two and ready for urine training. But if these daily potty stops are a time of enjoyable attention from the parent and are successful, cooperation is more likely and natural later for regular toilet training. 

These tips can prevent later problems in the areas of eating, sleeping, and toilet training. An important consideration, however, is to maintain a calm, matter-of-fact attitude about natural functions. 

It is necessary to demand that the will of Principle, not person, be done, and to see that all training tends in this direction. (E.A.P. p. 14)

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Teaching Our Children Spiritual and Moral Values

Adapted from Mildred Cawlfield’s article, “Moral and Spiritual Values: Can They Be Taught?”

Principia’s founder, Mary Kimball Morgan states:

“In childhood, it is essential that right habits of thought become established – honesty, truthfulness, unselfishness, industry, thoroughness, perseverance, loving-kindness, and all noble qualities which make for Christian character.  ‘The corner-stone of all spiritual building is purity’ (Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy p. 241).  Helping our children to love and express all that is pure and good requires us to keep very close to them and to seek divine wisdom constantly in our association with them.”  (Education at The Principia p. 21)

 
As Christian Scientists, we understand the importance of teaching high moral standards to our young children. A child can learn the joy of being honest, patient, selfless, gracious, and obedient. Being an example for your child is the most important way to teach spiritual and moral values. Children also learn spiritual values as they attend Sunday School on a regular basis. Some families find it prosperous to include time in their daily schedules for spiritual and moral nourishment with their children. Together, qualities such as truth and love are talked about and ideas are shared as to how they can be practiced and applied during the day. Reading bible stories from children’s bibles and books such as God’s Gifts or Who’s Afraid, Not You!, singing hymns and discussing the inspiration found in them, sharing stories that emphasize spiritual qualities, and memorizing simple truths from The Holy Bible and Mrs. Eddy’s writings are wonderful tools to use on a daily basis with your children. Keeping these experiences short, simple, and engaging for the child will not only yield valuable learning experiences, but will also create memorable, happy, and inspiring togetherness as a family.
 
Challenges can be discussed and examined more objectively during these special times together.  Children have had time to calm down, are ready to listen to spiritual truths, and are receptive to spiritual solutions. More effective teaching takes place when children and adults are composed and emotions are not involved.  For example, a mother was distressed about frequent arguments which seemed to arise between her two young children.  She had talked to them and had used methods such as having the children talk through the problem and working to seek a peaceful solution, separating them, and even on occasion, just letting them “fight” it out – which didn’t seem to solve anything!  Finally, the mother decided to use these incidents as examples during the family’s inspiration time and apply the tools to help solve the problems and teach spiritual lessons. The children talked about how they felt when they were arguing, what they were arguing about, and shared ideas on how they could handle things differently the next time. They studied relatable stories from The Bible such as Nehemiah refusing to leave his work in spite of taunts from the enemy. This helped them see that real strength and courage is shown when one prevents a fight from happening, avoids an argument, is loving towards their neighbor, and practices the Golden Rule.
 
After having this spiritual lesson time together, the parents would comment on the children’s strength or courage when they observed the children defusing a conflict and expressing genuine brotherly or sisterly love towards one another. The children realized they were much happier, too!
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Sibling Friendship

sibling

Written by Mildred Cawlfield

As the Acorn two-year-olds were departing after a morning school experience, some carried remaining treats of fruit pieces in cups. Eric leaned over and peered into his twin brother’s cup. 

“Ah gone,” said Tom, holding his cup up for his brother to see. 

Spontaneously Eric reached into his own cup, took out some pieces, and put them into his brother’s. Both grinned as they walked out munching their treats. 

This natural brotherly affection can be the norm when we reject the belief that siblings must be rivals. Despite that widely accepted, self-fulfilling belief, brothers and sisters can be the best of friends.

Before the birth of our second child, I had been convinced of the inevitability of sibling jealousy, so I expected it and prepared for it. After the younger son came, I at first consciously withheld affection from him in the presence of the older son because of this expectation. And, of course, I saw the jealousy I was looking for. 

Fortunately, since love, peace, and harmony were valued in our home, the sense of rivalry was overcome and the boys became close friends. 

Several years later, with two more children, we had an opportunity to replay the opening scenes of the sibling drama. This time I saw that the affection I expressed for the little one in the presence of the older child became a model for him. Obviously, the baby was a new family member to be cherished and our older child fulfilled our expectations as a loving brother. 

Adjusting to a new family member is a learning experience for an older child, as well as for the parents. You can prepare the older child by talking about friends of his who have a baby brother or sister, and tell him, “Now it’s time for us to have a larger family.” You can help the child see that it will be a promotion, to be a big brother or sister – one which will include some special privileges, too, like being able to help push the stroller or stay up an extra half-hour. 

If there is too much talk about the baby months before its appearance, however, the wait can seem interminable to a two or three-year old, so save most of it for the month or two before baby’s arrival. 

Make any changes, such as moving the older child to a big bed, well in advance of the birth. Explain (in this case) that he is now big enough for a big bed, rather than that the crib is needed for the baby. 

After the baby comes, show the older child pictures of himself as a baby. Tell him how he used to wear diapers but now he can use the toilet and gets to wear big-boy pants. Tell him that he couldn’t talk to you then and tell you what he wanted, as he can now, and that he just cried when he needed something – that when he was a baby he had to stay wherever you put him, so you tried to find happy places for him to be, but now he can walk and run wherever he wants to go. Let him know that you took care of him just as you now care for the baby and that the baby will grow like he is and will later be able to play with him. 

Be sure to point out that baby’s admiration for his big brother or sister when the infant is watching. For instance, “See her watch you. She thinks it’s great the way you can run and walk and eat all by yourself.” 

An older child has an opportunity to learn selflessness and patience while he waits for baby’s needs to be met. He also should know that the baby himself will learn patience. At a time when nothing more needs to be done for the baby, you can say, so that big brother can hear, “Baby, you’ll have to be patient now. Johnny needs me.” 

Your older child can learn to be gentle with the baby. Talk to him about using his gentle hands; tell him that he is strong and mustn’t use all his strength when he hugs baby, just as Daddy doesn’t use all of his strength when he hugs. Gentleness is holding strength in reserve. 

When children are close in age, it’s best not to establish ownership of all toys or to try to have two of everything. Each child may have a few very special things of his own, like a favorite stuffed toy or something for which he has a unique interest or attachment. These should be put in a certain place out of the way. 

An older child may want to work, at times, at a table out of reach of a younger one, or may want to have a gate across his door while he builds with blocks and construction toys. Toys inappropriate for a younger one, such as crayons, paints, or those with small pieces, should be kept out of his reach and played with during his nap time or in a closed-off area. 

Most toys should be jointly owned and used on a first-come/first-play basis. This eliminates much needless ownership hassle. If a child is playing with a toy and the other wants it, the latecomer can learn to say, “May I play with it when you’re through, please?” Then he can play with something else while he awaits his turn. If these policies are established early, the children will learn to co-operate in the same way with other playmates. 

When there are disputes, it’s best for parents not to take on the role of judge and assess blame, though they can make it clear that the problem must be solved in a peaceful way. “We use words, not fists,” is one good rule. The children themselves can be made to sit and talk over their problem until they come up with a solution. At first you may need to help by asking each one to tell the other how he feels or by trying yourselves to verbalize their feelings for the children. 

For instance: “Heather feels that you don’t love her when you push her, so she cries” or, “Tony didn’t understand that you were playing with that truck, and had just parked it while you were looking for a man to put in it.” This kind of help not only shifts the responsibility for solving social problems to the children but gives them the means for finding solutions. If one child is clearly the aggressor, however, the parent might have him sit by himself for a few minutes to think about how he can use his loving hands or feet. 

I recently asked a mother of four children close in age what ideas had been most useful to her in encouraging sibling friendship. She said that it’s helpful for the children to work together toward a common goal, so she looks for goals such as cleaning up for outside time, planning a party, or deciding what to have for dinner. Each child takes a part in accomplishing the main goal and appreciates the contributions of the others. 

When the children have a spat, this mother has them sit and talk it over until they can come to her with their solution. She has found that ridicule and rivalry can be eliminated – when a child is feeling fear or inadequacy – by encouraging another to help him. For instance, one of her younger children was afraid of the dark and an older one, who had overcome that fear, was asked to talk to her and help her. This family has discovered that one never wants to put down a friend he’s helping. 

Children don’t really want to feel equal to each other in every way. But they do – each one – want to feel special and appreciated. As parents, you can do much, both to help your children appreciate each other’s uniqueness, and to set the stage for harmony. On top of everything else, working toward the goal of peace at home is bound to add needed peace to the world scene. *names have been changed.

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What Schedule for Baby?

Written by Mildred Cawlfield
Adapted by Dorothy Halverson

Thought has changed over the years about how rigid or flexible a baby’s schedule should be. There was a time when it was believed that a baby should be put on a strict four-hour schedule from birth, that the clock should determine when he should be fed, bathed, even held and loved. Parents were told that it didn’t matter what the baby did; it was what they did that counted. So they suffered while the baby screamed, feeling that they would harm the baby by picking him up if the clock didn’t indicate it was time to do so. 

Parents who went to the other extreme and fed baby every time he made a sound, or didn’t dare to awaken him, felt tied down because they couldn’t plan their time with any predictability. These babies didn’t have the necessary help in learning a sense of time and order. 

Fortunately, the schedule can be used as a tool rather than a slave driver. It should be the outgrowth of your own and your baby’s individual sense of rhythm and order. Babies differ from birth. Some eat enough at a time to be happy with a flexible four-hour schedule. Others, particularly if you are nursing them, may need to be fed every two and a half or three hours for a while. 

In the early weeks, babies are changing quickly, and their needs are not always the same from one day to the next. Knowing this, you can work toward a four-hour schedule that will fit in with your life style but will also stay in tune with baby’s needs. As the baby works toward sleeping through his night feedings, his afternoon and evening feedings may be closer together than his morning ones, or vice versa. 

If he doesn’t awaken within four hours between feedings during the day, it may be helpful to awaken him to encourage longer sleeping periods at night. Generally, by the time your baby sleeps regularly through the night, you and he can establish a fairly predictable routine which will allow you to make plans and will give him a sense of time, order, and consistency. 

For a while, your baby will have four meals a day (after he has dropped one and then the other of his night feedings). Around six months, three meals a day will be sufficient especially once solid foods are introduced. A small amount of water may be added to your baby’s diet after six months when baby seems hungry or thirsty. Also, a small amount of water may be needed in very hot weather. Two naps a day will continue until the morning one no longer seems necessary. 

As long as little children are getting adequate food and rest, their schedules can be varied to fit their parents’ routine. For example, if one of the parents goes into work in the afternoon and works late into the evening, you might choose to have your baby or toddler go to bed around 10:00 p.m. and awaken him to start the day at 10:00 a.m. with meals and naps coordinated to fit his parents’ routine. However, once the child nears school age the parents will need to adjust the schedule (gradually) so that he is awakening earlier, ready for a full day, and putting him to bed earlier at night. 

A good schedule meets the needs of both child and parent.

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Obedience and Independence

By Mildred Cawlfield

“I want to do it by myself” was a new proclamation in the Jones household. Along with learning new self-help skills, their daughter had developed a keen desire for independence. Rebecca had been a joy, quickly learning to talk and willingly agreeing with her parents’ requests. But recently she had discovered a new feeling of power and wanted to make decisions by herself. 

Her parents wisely started giving her choices between two alternatives — two pieces of clothing, two breakfast foods or snacks, or two books for story time. They found that she was more willing to follow directions when given some choices. 

There were times, however, when they found the need to hold to the rules and expect obedience despite her noisy protests. Yes, she did need to go to bed at the appropriate time after a predetermined routine. She did need to stop her play when it was time to come to the table. And, no, she couldn’t have sweets or get her parents to buy new toys any time she demanded them. Parents meet testing times throughout a child’s upbringing. They must continue to weigh the child’s need for growing independence with the value of teaching obedience. In the past few decades, obedience has seemed to be an outdated virtue, as a popular voice proclaimed the need for “freedom to be you and me.” Many have discovered, however, that freedom for self-fulfillment can become license and prevent the true freedom which comes from obedience to moral and spiritual law.

Children are quick to pick up on whether a request for obedience is one of self-will or of the need for obedience to principle. If parents say, “Do it because I said so,” they are requesting obedience, but they are not making clear the reason for obedience. 

The parent might say to her daughter, “This is a ‘hurry-up time.’ Your brother is getting out of school, and he will be looking for us. He’ll wonder where we are if we don’t get there right away.” Then the daughter will learn that the request for obedience is based on her brother’s need and their love for him. If there is still resistance, the parent may need to pick up the child and put her in the car despite protests. 

A parent shouldn’t plead with a child or allow stalling tactics while awaiting obedience. After giving a reasonable amount of time for compliance, the parent should take action. Otherwise the child learns that he doesn’t really need to do what is expected until the parent’s voice reaches a certain pitch. Choices may be given, such as, “Would you like to come by yourself, or shall I carry you?” Then the parent will follow through depending on the child’s behavior. There will also be times when the parent can encourage the child to obey by saying, “I know you will come quickly when I call,” and then praising the obedience. Occasionally the parent may count out loud after giving a direction, to allow a little leeway, if he has made the rule clear: “You may have until I count to five to come.” Then, according to response, you could add, “Wow! You came by three.” 

A parent can help a child practice responding to directions at a time when strong feelings about obedience or independence are not present. The parent may say, “Let’s play the obedience game. Obedience means to do what you’re told to do right away, lovingly. Let’s see if you know how to be obedient. Put your hands on your head. … Oh, you’re obedient. You did it right away with a smile. Now you can go way into the kitchen. When you hear me call ‘Elsie, Elsie, please come here,’ you will come so fast!” Praise and hugs follow. 

I suggest not allowing the child to be the leader in this game, because children must not feel that parents should obey them. The distinction between parent and child must remain clear. You may talk to your child, however, about how you listen to your Father-Mother God and try to obey God’s directions. Give some examples. You can get further practice using puppets, then the child can take turns giving instructions. 

Some children need encouragement to exercise their independence. They may seem to be perfectly willing to let parents do everything for them. If that’s the case, you can give them small tasks to do, show them how to do the tasks, and then praise their efforts. For example, “I’m going to put the sock over your foot. See if you can pull it all the way up. . . . Good, you did it!” 

It helps for parents to be aware of when they might expect a child to take responsibility for a task. The self-help checklist at the end of this article should help with that if you keep in mind that children don’t all mature at the same time, and some may do some of the tasks sooner, and others later, than the average. 

There has been a backlash against early toilet training; and now many parents are waiting too long, until the child becomes determined to keep the old habit of using a diaper for elimination. If you can catch a baby’s regular movements on the potty — a comfortable small seat on the big toilet — after he can sit up well or from 10 months on, it can lead into regular toilet training at around age two when the child is able to stay dry for about 2 hours. You can sit with the child and read stories if it doesn’t distract too much, or leave the child there alone strapped in for a few moments while you stay close by. Make sure the experience is a happy one for the child. Praise if he eliminates on the toilet, but don’t scold if he doesn’t. 

To help a two-and-a half-year-old learn to pedal a tricycle, you can stand behind and push the trike a little until one of the child’s feet comes up on a pedal. Then push that leg to help her push the pedal. Push her legs alternately until she is used to that action. For an older child who doesn’t want to learn how to ride a two-wheeler, you can walk alongside holding the bike until she gains the confidence to take off on her own. 

Allowing children to do small tasks along with you gives them skills that boost their confidence. One mother had the child put the napkins on the table while she put on the silverware. When the child was older, the mom made placemats with the silverware shapes drawn on them. The child loved setting the table by matching the silverware to the pictures. 

Parents often ask if children should be expected always to do a task once they have mastered it. Sometimes, especially when there is a little brother or sister, a child may resist doing a previously learned task such as dressing himself. You can use loving intuition when this occurs. Sometimes reasserting your pleasure in his responsibility and skill will give him the boost needed. At other times you may want to give him the help requested so he knows that being older doesn’t mean losing all contact and help from parents. Then find other appropriate ways to give him attention. 

When children are young is the best time to help them begin to establish the qualities of obedience and independence. The right amount of obedience and independence brings joy to children. As they mature, you can let the rope out gradually, allowing more independence as they are obedient. When they become adolescents and feel the need for even more independence, they will be used to obeying you, and you will be able to trust them with greater responsibility.

“There is no excuse for not teaching a child obedience. A parent has no higher work than bringing up his child to reflect good” (Education at The Principia, p. 30).

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Children, Chores, and Chuckles

By Cindy McCleary Marston

Principia’s founder, Mary Kimball Morgan speaks about the vital importance of demonstrating a beautiful, strong, harmonious home life. She states, “A home that is rich in love and Christian courtesy will develop a pure childlikeness that is fit to inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. Let children feel their responsibility in making home the dearest spot on earth. Don’t be such unselfish parents that you make selfish children. Make it possible for them to do their part in the homemaking.” (Education at The Principia p. 24) 

In the article below, originally published in Principia’s Parent and Family Newsletter in Fall 2002, author Cindy McCleary Marston explains some of the skills her children developed through their household chores or “contributions.”
When my children were very young, I read a book called 401 Ways to Get Your Kids to Work at Home, by Bonnie Runyan McCullough. This book confirmed for me that chores are a way to teach children the skills they will need to take care of themselves and be productive citizens. It includes lists of skills that children should know by various ages. The skills are grouped into categories, including personal care, clothing care, household, cooking, money, and navigation and auto. Under each group is a list of various tasks to teach that skill. 

Based on the lists in the book, my husband and I developed a game plan for having our children do chores to enable them to learn life skills. Listening to and respecting the children’s ideas regarding their chores and allowing them to do them in their own way (to music or with different tools than I would have used) is essential. Giving children a choice about their chores makes them more willing to participate in the activity. For example, collecting and taking out the trash used to be a child-assigned chore, but both of our children really disliked doing it. So they negotiated a trade with Dad, and now Dad takes out the trash. 

In this process, my husband and I are learning to be disciplined in our own thought and actions. Believing in the worthiness of our goal has made us persist in allowing the kids to learn now to do various chores, even when it would have been much quicker and easier to do them ourselves. We are also learning to be consistent in our standards and in applying consequences when a child does not do a chore or does not meet the standard. 

We periodically ask ourselves whether our actions are achieving our desired goals. There can be a fine line between appreciating the children’s efforts and recognizing when they have done a poor job. We find it effective to ask them to double-check for completeness and thoroughness before we check. Redoing chores is never fun for anyone, and so we have tried to teach our children to do things right the first time. As an American salesman once noted, “Genius is the ability to evade work by doing it right the first time.” 

Of course, there have been times when other activities took priority, and their assigned tasks were not done. But because we believe that their chores are an important contribution to the home, that is the exception rather than the rule. 

Today, if I were to do anything differently, it would be to substitute the word “contribution” for the word “chore.” It is a more positive and more accurate word for what they are doing. Communicating that we rely on our children to complete certain tasks helps them to understand that they are an integral part of the family. We emphasize to our children that their chores are essential to the harmonious functioning of our household. Truly, their contributions make it easier for us to have the time to be able to take them to and/or participate in their various activities. 

Taking pride in learning a new skill, being thorough, and finishing a task are a few of the abilities our children have developed through their assigned responsibilities. Planning ahead and negotiating consequences or a trade or tasks are a few of the unforeseen skills they are acquiring. 

Finally, they are also gaining a general knowledge of the variety of tasks involved in keeping a household functioning. Just recently, when I asked my 14-year-old son to “fix the bathroom sink,” I was really asking him to follow the directions on the Drano bottle. He, however, got out the tools and bucket, took apart the pipes, gloried in all the disgusting gray goop that he was able to remove, and proudly showed us how easily the water drains now. I was thrilled, too. And later, when I discovered his dirty breakfast dishes still in the kitchen sink, I was able to chuckle and just be grateful that the bathroom sink now works!