Category: From the Vault

• Get down on your child’s level to talk eye-to-eye.
• When making demands or setting limits:

1. Ask yourself, “Are these right demands based on Principle, not human will? Are they right for my child’s present stage of development?”
2. Be consistent in the demands made on the child.
3. Give directions clearly and simply.
4. Don’t ask the child a question when no choice is intended. Rather, use a positive tone in your voice:  “It’s time to go now,” not “Are you ready to go?”
5. Provide genuine opportunities for the child to make choices. Abide by his decisions.
6. State directions in the positive. “Our feet walk in the house,” rather than “Don’t run in the house!”
7. Impersonalize the directions—take “you” out of them. “It’s time to go to bed,” rather than “You must go to bed now.”

• Make good appealing:

1. Be courteous when making a request of a child as you would be with a friend. Mrs. Morgan states, “Too often one thinks a child needs no special consideration or courtesy shown him…. A genuine courtesy toward children is true discipline and eliminates much of the punishment which is sometimes called discipline” (Education at The Principia, p. 50).
2. Lay clothes out in a line for the child to put on. Then say, “Here is a bell. I’m putting it on the dresser, and when I hear it rung, I’ll know you’re all dressed.”
3. Be willing to give the child help with jobs that seem overwhelming to him. The objective is to make the child love order, not force compliance.

• Redirect wrong actions.
• Follow through and make sure your child complies. Don’t nurture self-will by giving in when confronted with crying or tantrums.
• To prevent problems, look for causes of misbehavior:

1. Ask yourself: “Should I make changes in his environment? Put an irresistible ‘no no’ out of reach? Install a gate? Close a bedroom door?”
2. Plan ahead: Bring interesting toys on a long trip or to a friend’s house or restaurant.
3. Don’t make unnecessary demands at “touchy” times in your child’s day (when he’s tired or right before dinner).

• Give your child a good concept of himself by holding a true concept of him in your thought. Expect good.

Written by Mildred Cawlfield, Winter 1977

Sally spontaneously shares her candy with Jill. Jeff runs over to help little Billy, who just fell of his tricycle. Keith and Kevin work out their disagreement with words instead of fists. This is the harmony between children we’re working for, and there are many things we, as parents, can do to promote it. 

Sandy, our toddler, sees another child playing with a toy. The toy takes on new life. Barely conscious of the other child, Sandy walks toward the toy and grabs it. What does she need to learn? That people are not toys; they have feelings, and she can affect those feelings. But if we, the adults, grab the toy from her in turn, with a spank and reprimand, to return it to Joey, Sandy—despite our disapproval—is learning that grabbing and hitting are effective methods. We really do teach more by our actions than by our words. 

Suppose we say, “Joey feels sad when you take his toy away. Let’s give it back, and he’ll feel happy again.” As we say it, we hold our toddler’s hands and help her return the toy. We can say then, “Oh, see how much better he feels!” Then to Joey, “Sandy would like a turn with the toy when you’re through. May she please play with it when you’re finished?” Next, take Sandy away from the scene and help her find a good alternative toy to play with—perhaps even play with her for a moment. When Joey loses interest in the coveted toy, he can be helped to share it. “It looks like you’re ready to play with something else now, Joey. How happy Sandy will be when you share this toy with her!” 

Describing feelings helps a child become aware of them, and this kind of intervention teaches empathy, a necessary ingredient to the expression of love. 

Studies show that there is a correlation between harsh physical punishment and aggressive behavior in children. Also, it has been found that ignoring aggression that takes place in an adult’s presence perpetuates it, because the child feels that the aggression is being condoned. So it’s important to take consistent, appropriate action. This does take our time, and it may seem easier to let the children fight it out. But what rewards there are for spending the time now to teach these needed skills! We not only gain a more harmonious home but build skills desperately needed in the world. 

A good rule for children—like Sandy and Joey—to learn is that we shouldn’t take anything from another person by force, no matter how much we want it. We can ask if we may please have a turn with it when they’re finished. Then children can learn that it helps to get busy with something else, because standing around eagerly awaiting something seems to cause the possessor to maintain his interest in it. 

We don’t teach sharing by making a child give something he is working with to another. We’re merely fostering possessiveness and resentment. If an adult is reading a magazine and is in the middle of an interesting article, we wouldn’t expect him to give it up immediately just because someone comes along and says he wants it. Yet we sometimes make that kind of demand on a child. Sharing comes from the desire to give. It is the feeling we want to foster, not just the act. 

Food is a good thing to use for practice sharing. A child enjoys the obvious pleasure he gives others by passing out cookies or candy, and we can point out, “It makes your friends happy when you share with them.” 

Taking turns is another social skill children must learn. We can take turns speaking at the dinner table, and children can take turns being pushed in a swing or riding a wheel toy. Turns can be measured by counting. We can show what fun it is to take turns and should bill it as a positive, rather than a negative, experience. 

When children disagree, they need to learn to settle their differences verbally rather than physically. “Use words, not fists. Talk it over,” we can say. Sometimes it helps to verbalize a child’s feelings and thoughts, such as “Tommy thought it was fun dancing in a circle with you, but when you went too fast, it frightened him,” or “Johnny would like to have a turn being the daddy instead of always the child.” 

If one child continues to act aggressively toward another child and doesn’t respond to another’s viewpoint, he needs to learn that Principle operates to protect. We need to firmly, though lovingly, take him from the scene to sit on a chair until he can use his good thinking. We can tell him that thinking governs actions, and when he uses good thoughts, he’ll have good action. We can also tell him that we can’t let him hurt another, just as we wouldn’t let anyone hurt him. 

It helps children relate to others when we point out how we and others are similar to them. “Jody likes dolls just as you do.” Or “That loud thunder startled me, too. Aren’t we glad God is here taking care of us?” This type of relating helps children understand the concept that we are all God’s children and forms the basis for practicing the greatest social rule of all, the Golden Rule.

Written by Mildred E. Cawlfield

A group of Acorn parents, in discussing their concepts of education, used these words and phrases: unfolding; developing; uncovering; discovering; recognizing what’s there and providing opportunities for its expression; stating goals; establishing a foundation that integrates the spiritual, moral, intellectual, social, and physical; learning to look away from self; putting off ignorance and limitation. They decided that education is not adding something to the child, nor writing on a blank slate, nor waiting for a child to go through pre-programmed stages. 

One parent remarked that it is not so much like stuffing sausage into a casing as it is opening the oyster to find what’s there. 

What teaching methods, then, follow from this concept of education? If our goal is not merely to fill children’s minds with knowledge, we’ll look for methods which bring forth and reveal their limitless capabilities. 

The most powerful teaching method is the teacher’s recognition and acknowledgement of the child’s present intelligence, memory, discernment, strength, balance, grace, selflessness, etc. This awareness leads the child to see in himself, and to express these qualities. 

Suppose a child is behaving aggressively toward other children. If our first step is to see him as an expression of Love, we will be ready to say to him, “Show him your gentle hands. Hands are for loving and helping.” We can then show him how happy his loving hands make his friends feel. 

Perhaps he needs to acquire the ability to use verbal language. We will see him as the expression of all-hearing and all-knowing Mind and will continue speaking to him even before we get a verbal response. 

A number of studies in education have shown the value of expectancy on the part of the teacher. Teachers in one study were told that certain students were very bright and could be expected to show great gains. Though these children were chosen at random (unknown to the teacher), they did show much greater progress than other children in the class. This illustrates how helpful it can be to see and expect evidence of the great capacity for learning in each child. 

Another important teaching method is to show by example – that is, to model. Children’s quickness at picking up good ideas they see demonstrated shows the “do as I say, not as I do” approach as ineffective. Not only are parents and teachers constantly teaching language, customs, and courtesy by their actions, but children are learning much from each other. When they see other children being obedient, cooperating and sharing with each other, they are quick to follow suit. 

Parents and teachers encourage this type of learning when working with more than one child by noticing those who are doing the correct thing – i.e., “Amy’s helping me put toys away. Thank you, Amy” – or, “I like the way you remembered to say ‘Thank you’, Johnny. You’re welcome!” Also, one teacher or parent can remark to another, “Did you see how quickly Karen put on her jacket? She’s really speedy today.” Other children take notice of this kind of recognition and improve their behavior. 

It’s very important for parents to help older children recognize the importance of their role as teachers-by-example, and not allow them to grab toys from the baby or treat him roughly whether he objects or not. 

A third important teaching method is to observe where the child is in understanding and interest, and then to present opportunities to utilize his capabilities and interests to lead him to further understanding. For example, as Eric crawled about exploring objects, he would pick them up, study them, then give them a little toss, flipping them over in the process. We observed that he was probably learning something about the weight, composition, and motion of objects in this way, and so we chose toys from the Acorn toy library which responded to this type of action such as rattle balls and blocks. He showed sustained interest in rattle balls because they responded so well to his unique method of exploration. As he plays, we can tell him that this rattle ball is red and this one is yellow, and say, “See it roll,” and “Hear the sound it makes.” When he’s satisfied with what he’s learned from this method, he’ll go on to other discoveries and methods. 

As we observe, we see that Julia can match colors but doesn’t name them yet. We name the colors for her as she matches; then one day we ask for a red one or a green one and she gives it to us. Soon she’s telling us the colors. 

Craig repeatedly pointed to letters in books and looked up questioningly. We named the letters or words that were so interesting to him, and though we made no effort to “teach” him, he was reading very shortly after learning to talk. 

Learning takes place quickly and naturally when it follows the child’s leading rather than being imposed upon him. It also helps to see what the next steps in learning are and to present challenges that the child will meet successfully. As he builds success upon success, he gains confidence in his ability and continues trying. 

Rather than presenting a one-year-old at first with a complicated shape-sorter such as the Tupper Rattle Ball, we start with sequential shape-sorters that just have a round hole, go on to the ones with a round and square hole, and later add the others. Also, a way of simplifying a complex shape-sorter is to turn it to fit the shape the child is holding. 

With all this interest in the child and what he is doing, we need to remember another important method, and that is training – holding the child to right action. We thus help the child see that he can do what is expected. We not only need to see Jimmy as obedient, helpful, cooperative, courteous and selfless, and expect him to be so, but we must make sure that his actions demonstrate these qualities. 

If he resists or ignores loving, positive, expectant requests, this may mean picking him up and helping him do what he is asked; or, it may mean having him sit on a chair or in his room for a few minutes to do some good thinking. If we are loving, yet firm and consistent in expecting right behavior when the child is young, he will form habits which lead to self-discipline and dependability as he grows older. 

We parents learn so much along with our children, and the more we know, the more we see there is to learn. We shouldn’t be discouraged when challenges present themselves. In helping children learn, we sometimes seem to come to little hurdles (or big ones). Coming to a hurdle doesn’t mean we are failing as parents, but that we need to find the way to help the child jump over it. And, what a joy it is when we remember that we’re not “stuffing sausage” but looking to find pearls.

by Mildred E. Cawlfield (former director of the Acorn program)

When do babies start learning about a parent’s values? Would you believe — before they are born? If not, probably soon after. There is indication that before birth, babies hear the music we hear and hear our tone of voice. They probably also sense our emotions. From the moment they appear in our experience, our children undoubtedly benefit as we strive for higher values. 

In the early weeks, if babies’ cries are responded to understandingly, they feel the presence of the love indicated by that caring attention and usually will cry less in later months. If they sometimes have to wait a bit because mom is busy with another child or other important tasks, they can learn the need for patience. They learn that they can fit unselfishly into family life. If they are fed periodically—between three and four hours for a bottle-fed baby, and sometimes a little less for a nursing baby, they learn the value of order. On the other hand, if they are picked up and fed every time they make a little fuss, they may learn that mom is a pacifier, and they may get used to instant gratification. Parents can strive for a balance, based on principle and love, that gives babies a sense of the qualities their parents value. 

Parents can let their infants assume the natural responsibility for getting themselves to sleep without becoming part of the process by feeding or rocking them to sleep. Then the babies are more self-confident and happy. When they awaken in the night, they can settle themselves back to sleep without crying for help. 

Another area where babies can take responsibility is in determining how much they need to eat. Babies show healthy attitudes about eating when they are not urged by over-concerned parents to eat more than they need. If parents provide good food at appropriate intervals, babies have the ability to regulate the amount they need to eat. 

Some babies seem anxious to get moving and may fuss at parents to sit them up, put them in walkers, stand them up, or walk them around. If the parent gives in to these babies’ demands too frequently, the babies will not spend enough time practicing the crawling skills required to get themselves into the positions they urgently seek. Babies can learn independence and self-control if the parent will talk to them and comfort them from afar, at times, rather than giving in to their constant demands. 

Parents can lay the foundation for trust and honesty by always telling the baby when they are going to be away. When babies become keenly aware of the difference between the familiar caregiver and a substitute, they may cry when the parent leaves. Parents may then wish to avoid a scene by slipping away without telling the baby they’re going. This can relieve the parent of an unhappy episode at the time, but the caregiver has to comfort the baby who suddenly discovers the parent is gone. If this occurs regularly, the baby may become more clingy because he won’t know if or when the parent will leave. If the baby knows the parents will always tell when they’re going to be away, he may not like it, but will trust the parents and learn the important family rule that we always tell each other where we’re going to be. At our Acorn play-ins, parents separate from their children every two weeks for a one-hour seminar. One toddler, who was feeling especially attached to his mom for a while, would comfort himself by repeating, “Mommy’s in seminar.” Then he’d happily go back to playing. 

Babies do observe everything their parents do, and from the beginning they gain the foundation for accepting the parents’ values, so it’s never too soon to give thought to the values we’re transmitting. (MEC)

by Mildred Cawlfield, Acorn Director

Locking horns with a child is no fun. This article is devoted to keeping parenting on a steady course and turning what would be moments of conflict into learning experiences.

Babies
“My baby’s not obedient any more,” said a parent whose baby had just learned to crawl. Suddenly this precious baby seemed to have ideas of his own. One of the most interesting and challenging aspects of parenting comes with baby’s newfound independence. He’s really just discovering his own expression of intelligence and identity. The way a parent responds to the need for discipline (learning) helps build a foundation in early years that sets the stage for avoiding undue confrontation in later years.

The curious baby is impelled to explore by touching and mouthing everything within reach. He doesn’t know the difference between fragile figurines and  plastic toys. It’s the parents’ job to teach him what he may and may not do. If baby meets a “no” with every turn, his curiosity may be curtailed. But if he’s simply kept in a playpen with few opportunities to explore, he won’t learn necessary restraints. The best approach is to remove as many tempting objects as possible and consistently teach him to stay away from the others (such as the TV, light sockets, and lamp cords).

If baby goes back to the TV knobs, take him away, saying in a firm (but not angry) voice, “You may not touch the TV knobs. Here is your busy box. You may turn these knobs.” Do this repeatedly, never allowing him to touch the tempting objects but always giving him an alternative. If he persists, you may wish to put him briefly in his playpen or crib with the toy so he learns that his freedom to explore includes necessary restraints. Research shows that slapping or spanking is ineffective in teaching inner control. It merely leads to self-justification, fear of the adult, or determination to misbehave when the adult is out of the room.

Toddlers
Toddlers have many rules to learn such as we don’t throw food on the floor; parents need my cooperation when they dress and change me; I must always hold an adult’s hand crossing the street or in a parking lot; I must ask if I want food or if I want to touch something that isn’t mine; I must stay with my parents in public; I must stay in my bed when my parents say it’s bed time; I must use gently hands with my friends; the toilet isn’t convenient water to play in but has a specific purpose; and, basically, I need to cooperate with mom and dad.  

These are just a few of the rules the parent needs to establish and teach. The best way is to explain the rule to the child and help him learn it, praising him when he gets it right.

A toddler also needs to learn that he can’t get his way by whining and crying. As an infant he needed to learn to communicate with a cry, but now words are preferable. A parent is tempted to respond quickly to screams, whines, and cries to get them to stop, but instead the disagreeable behavior is perpetuated by being rewarded. If your toddler screams or cries for something, get down to his level, look into his eyes and try to verbalize for him in a quiet voice—for example, “Water please. You’d like a drink of water.” Or “Up. You want to be picked up to see out the window.” Then respond to the request. If he wants something he shouldn’t have, refuse to give in to his pleas.

Children over two
It’s very important for children to learn that they can’t have everything they want. Feeding every whim and desire perpetuates dissatisfaction.  Acknowledge your child’s communication by saying, “I know you’d like that toy. It looks like a lot of fun. But we can’t have everything we want, and we’re not buying toys today.”

When children are three or four and start reasoning with us, sometimes the lines between adulthood and childhood can become blurred. The child may start making the rules, and the adult may begin to feel out of control. The adult must continue to retain the leadership even though he wishes to encourage independent and creative thinking, because he has the experience and judgment to be the educator. The child will respect the adult who listens to his ideas but still retains the authority. Children should obey, not “Because I said so,” but because “It’s the right thing to do.” Parents can let their children know that, though parents sometimes make mistakes, they are praying and listening to God to know what’s right. As the Bible says, “Children obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.” (Eph. 6:1)  We don’t need to apologize to children for treating them like children. Children have a right to courtesy and respect, but they need to know that certain activities and opportunities to make decisions will come later as they continue to grow bigger.  In the meantime, we can help them enjoy their childlikeness.

As children gain experience with rules and the reasons for them, they can participate in planning and rule-establishing. You can talk with them before a coming activity and ask what rules would be useful. Evaluate with them the suggestions and agree upon the rules. Then, during the experience, you can remind them of their “good ideas.” For example, before a trip to a park, you should tell the children how long they will stay. Then you may ask questions such as: How shall I let you know when it’s time to go? How will you let me know you’ve heard me? I’ll be at the picnic tables—what area should you stay in so I know where you are? How will you let me know if you need help?

Children need to learn that it’s not all right to interrupt an adult conversation. They may learn how to say “Excuse me” if they have something very important to say. But they must learn to be patient and entertain themselves until the adult gives them the “floor.” When children are with mom all day and used to having her attention, they may find it difficult to share her with dad at the end of the day. They should be told, “I need to talk to dad, now. You may look at your books or play with your toys for a little while. When our conversation is over we will play a game or talk to you.” Then, if the child continues to interrupt, he should be ignored, not rewarded with continued reminders. He may need to be given a choice: “You may play quietly here until we finish our conversation, or go to your room to wait.” Then, of course, when the child does wait patiently, he should be praised and given the needed attention. Though long adult conversations should take place when the child is asleep or otherwise occupied, it’s important for children to learn patience and courtesy for needed adult conversations and phone calls.

Willfulness can be a two-sided thorn. If we are seeing a willful child, we may look to ourselves and find some willfulness there, too. It’s helpful to know that there is really only one will, God’s, which is governing and guiding us. We should ask the question, “What is right?” It isn’t necessary to mediate between differing wills, because what is right, is right for everyone. But it is important for the parent, who is teaching right actions, to have principle-love as the basis of determining what is right. If we make a mistake, it’s best to admit it to the child and let him know we are still learning, too. This will help him learn to let go of self-justification.

Willfulness tends to be perpetuated in one of two ways: either through feeding it by giving in to it, or by butting horns with equal willfulness. Acknowledging your God-given goodness, and that of your child, puts you on the child’s side with willingness to do what’s right against the willfulness that would separate you.

By Mildred Cawlfield

Communication is more than talking.

Our canoe glided smoothly down a river lined with wild flowers and lush trees whose branches hid the winged songsters filling the air with their varied calls. Occasionally we passed a cow wading in for a morning drink or a marmot scurrying away as we passed. Dragonflies and swallows dipped down to the river beside us.

How I wanted our little boys to drink in and enjoy this scene as I did. But the fearful whimpers of our three-year-old broke into the quiet as he sat in his life jacket, gripping the sides of the canoe.

“Look at that beautiful flower! Watch and maybe you’ll see a deer!” I exclaimed.

“When can we get out? Don’t stop paddling. Go back to the car!” he sobbed.

I explained that we were going down stream and couldn’t stop until we came to a certain place. We sang songs about riding in a canoe, and hymns which had always comforted him, but the fearful complaining continued.

Finally, I remembered to listen – to tune in, not just to his words, but to his feelings. “The rocking canoe feels kind of scary?” I queried. “Yes!…” A look of relief swept over his face. Then, as I held the paddle, the fear returned. “Keep paddling! Keep paddling!”

“You don’t like me to stop paddling.” I ventured, as I held the paddle up. “No! No! We’ll sink!” he cried. “Oh!” I said. “You think the paddling keeps the canoe floating.”

“Yes, yes! Keep paddling.” he said. Now that the false fear was uncovered, it was easy to explain and demonstrate the facts of the canoe’s buoyancy. We were able to eliminate the fear and allow the beauty of nature’s lessons to be learned.

We followed this experience with experiments in buoyancy of objects. It was also a good lesson for the boys still later in how false fears can be dispelled with the truth. To me, the lesson in the importance of listening was valuable.

Often we’re so busy teaching children what we want them to learn, that we forget to listen and find out just where their thought is, and what they most need to learn. This kind of communicated listening can also help a child define and solve his own problem.

“I can’t find my shoes,” fussed four-year-old Toni, as she was getting ready to go outside.

Let’s look at the alternatives her mother had at this point: she could take over Toni’s problem by finding the shoes for her or by telling her where to look, or she could listen and verbalize her daughter’s dilemma, thus helping Toni solve her own problem. The mother chose the latter course.

She said, “You took off your shoes when you wore them last, and now you don’t remember where that was.” “Yes,” said Toni. “I was playing outside and came in for a bath. Oh!…” she broke off, running to the bathroom where she gleefully found her shoes.

Two-year-old Mindy fussed loudly when it was time for her to leave the Acorn toy library. Instead of engaging in a verbal tug-of-war, her mother gained her cooperation by tuning in.

“You wish you could stay and play here.” After a moment of agreement from Mindy, she went on, “Your brother is getting out of school now and is looking for us to pick him up. Let’s go and show him the toys we’re taking home.”

The mother’s opening statement let Mindy know that mother understood how she felt and caused her to listen to the explanation. She then left willingly.

I have seen parents of infants listening well to their little ones and interpreting their cries understandingly: “He’s crying half an hour before he’s due for feeding. He seems to be extra hungry today. I’ll feed him now.”

“Amy doesn’t like to be wet. A diaper change is needed.”

Here’s an important one: “He’s been fed and changed and talked to and loved. He’s just tired. I’ll put him down. He may cry hard for a few minutes, but then he’ll go to sleep.”

This type of listening helps the infant feel understood and later helps him learn to communicate better with others. One lovely morning, Billy dressed quickly and went outside to swing before breakfast. His mother, feeling the pressure of getting him to preschool, called him in to breakfast. He kept swinging and his mother called again. Finally, she angrily went out to get him, telling him that they would be late for school. An unhappy scene followed and Billy was so upset that he ate very little breakfast.

Later, in thinking it through, his mother said, “If only I had stopped to reason from his viewpoint! I could have said, ‘You dressed quickly so you’d have time to swing. It feels good to swing early in the morning. I’ll give you two extra minutes to swing, because I know you’ll come in quickly for breakfast when I call.’” Thinking through the experience in this way prepared Billy and his mother for some happy experiences to come.

It takes practice to listen to another’s viewpoint, and it isn’t always easy. It requires putting aside self-will. But the rewards of understanding and communication, as well as greater harmony in the home, are well worth the effort.

Common sense is needed in using this approach, however. When the problem is not the child’s but yours, it’s better to communicate your viewpoint rather than his. For instance, Daddy is talking on the phone and Randy starts pounding his pounding board nearby. Daddy says, “When you pound here, I can’t hear on the phone. Take this ball outside and I’ll play with you when I get through.”

The parent can also verbalize the feelings of another child. “Jenny doesn’t like to be pushed. It makes her cry. See if you can give her gentle love-pats and make her happy.” This type of communication is valuable in teaching a child to listen to the viewpoint of others.

by Mildred E. Cawlfield

Children often amaze us with their comments and observations. They are far more capable of noting discrepancies and making associations than we imagine. We’re more apt to underestimate than to overestimate their intelligence. For instance: A nine-month-old puts a toy telephone to her ear. A one-year-old gets excited when he hears Grandma is coming to visit, though she hasn’t been there for two months. A two-year-old knows it’s the weekly play-in day even though no one has mentioned it. A seventeen-month-old sees that one member in a group is missing a cookie and goes to get one for her. A four-year-old explains the differences between a Boeing 727 and a 737. Parents are in a good position to observe their child’s capabilities, and they can best support their child’s learning when their expectations are in line with those capabilities.

Ability to discriminate