Author: admin

Posted on

Leaf Printing

Materials
Leaves gathered from a nature hike
Various colors of tempera paint
Construction paper
Sponge dish wand
Paper plate

Directions
Place a small amount of different color paints on a paper plate. Using the sponge dish wand, invite your child to dab the wand in the paint and paint the backside of a leaf. Assist your child by holding the leaf. Encourage adding different colors of paint. Once the leaf is painted, help your child turn the leaf over and press onto a piece of construction paper. Lift the leaf to see a beautiful leaf print. Continue using different leaves. Allow to dry and display.

Posted on

Chocolate Crescent Rolls

Ingredients
Can of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls
Container of Nutella
Small knives for spreading
Cookie Sheet

Directions
Invite your child to help you unroll the crescent roll dough from the can.  Gently pull apart where perforated to make triangles. Place a glob of Nutella on the dough and ask your child to carefully spread the chocolate on top of the dough. Help your child roll the tirangular shape into a crescent shaped croissant, starting with the wide end of the triangle.  Place rolls on a cookie sheet and bake as directed.  Enjoy as a special snack or dessert!

Posted on

Proper Demands and Choices

By Mildred E. Cawlfield

The trickiest part of parenting is deciding when to set and enforce rules with children and when to give opportunities for independence and initiative. Parents have more experience and broader perspectives than a child, so they should set reasonable limits for children’s behavior and follow through consistently to enforce them. Failure to do this can result in an overindulged child who isn’t pleasant to live with. On the other hand, if there are too many rules, a child lacks the opportunity to become responsible and to think for himself. 

Sometimes at Acorn seminars parents share ideas of rules they feel are important for young children and also what choices they give children in various areas. Probably the area of greatest divergence among parents is limit- or rule-setting, because we all have slightly different expectations of children based on our own experience and understanding of children’s capabilities. The best rules are ones that are in keeping with the child’s present capabilities and can be enforced consistently. 

For instance, to insist that a one-year-old be toilet trained, or that a two-year-old sit quietly with “good manners” through a formal hour-long meal, will lead to a stressful situation. Whereas a parent can reasonably expect and teach a toddler to sit down while he eats and not to climb on tables or throw food or hard objects. The parent sees that the child obeys (if necessary moving him physically, lovingly but firmly) while stating the rule. (“We sit down to eat.” “Tables are not for climbing.” “Balls are for throwing.”) Remember that praise of good behavior is the most effective learning procedure. 

In the latter part of the second year, the one-year-old learns that he has some ideas of his own that differ from his parents’. He takes delight in communicating these ideas and trying them out. It’s important for him to learn then and throughout childhood that some of these ideas are fine and others are not. The most important job of the parent is to help him see which ideas help him fit well into the family — or society — and which ones need to be eliminated or modified. 

To help with this process, it’s good to think through your expectations and also what choices you can give the child in various situations. Remember that your decision must seem right to you, and will vary from home to home. It’s important not to let a child manipulate or dominate you. If a child wants a choice that’s not offered, the parent simply says, “That’s not a choice.” These expectations and choices will change as the child grows older. 

Bedtime 
Common expectations of parents: 
• The parent decides when and where bedtime is to be, taking into consideration the child’s readiness and need for sleep. 
• The child is to be dressed appropriately for bed and have necessary preparations made – teeth brushed, drinks taken and toilet needs met. 
• Parents establish a bedtime routine they can live with. 

Possible choices for children: 
• Which stuffed animal to take to bed. 
• Which pajamas to wear. 
• What story to listen to. 
• How to go to bed (walk, tiptoe, hop, piggyback ride, etc.). 

Mealtime 
Expectations: 
• We sit down when we eat. When we leave the table, it means we’re finished. 
• We wash our hands before and after eating. 
• We eat nicely so others will want to be with us. (The definition of “nicely” varies with the age of the child.) 
• We eat at regular periods. (a regular snack time may be included.) 
• We don’t eat sweets between meals. 
• The child takes responsibility for eating and feeding himself after age two, having gradually gained the needed skills during the previous year. 
• We try to take a taste of every food offered. Some food should be available at every meal that you know your child will eat. (Note: the receptivity to foods should be strongly encouraged, but can’t be forced. Forced eating merely reinforces a child’s conviction of his tastes.) 
• Small portions will be served and seconds offered. 
• We clear our plates off the table. 

Choices: 
• Some food choices — which breakfast cereal, which way to fix eggs, which kind of sandwich at lunchtime, etc. 
• Which way to help the cook before dinner (deciding between choices given). 
• If choices are available, which spoon, cup, plate, or napkin to use. 
• Which food to eat first (trying the least preferred food, when hungry, aids receptivity.) • Whether to have a second helping or not. 

Dressing 
Expectations: 
• We wear clothes appropriate to the occasion and the temperature. (Parents, because of their experience, determine this, but must be in tune with the child’s temperature needs. Sometimes the impersonal authority of the thermometer helps the child understand the ruling.) 
• The general rule may be supported by more specific ones such as: A certain kind of clothes and shoes are worn to church; another kind are for play, etc. 
• The parents may determine when the child should be dressed (i.e. before breakfast, etc.) • Clothes are to be hung up or put in the laundry — not on the floor. 
• If favorite clothes are in the laundry, the child must wait until the next regular laundry time to have them again. (Doing extra daily laundry to satisfy dressing whims doesn’t give a child the proper perspective of his rights in relation to others’.) 

Choices: 
• Which of two or three appropriate outfits to wear. 
• Which hook to hang clothes on. • What accessories to wear with clothes. 
• Whether or not to have special play dress-up times using specified clothing. 

In Social Situations 
Expectations: 
• We use gentle hands and feet with our friends. 
• We use words, not unkind actions, to communicate our feelings and desires. 
• If we’ve made someone unhappy, we have the responsibility for helping him be happy again. 
• If we want something, we ask nicely for it or ask for a turn with it. • If someone wants something we have, we explain what we’re doing with it, and when we’re finished, we give him a turn. 

Choices: 
• What friends to play with (in some cases). 
• What toys (that we don’t want to share) to put away before friends come to our house. 
• What toys to take to our friend’s house to share. 
• What toys to play with that someone else isn’t using. 

You may wish to add to or subtract from this list when starting your own. The child will learn and follow the rules if those adults caring for him agree and enforce them consistently. Though there will always be some variation, this is an important goal to strive for. Be assured that your child can understand some inconsistencies of rules as they vary from one place to another. Children are remarkably perceptive in determining what the limits are in each setting. They will take their cue from you! 

“It takes courage to train our children in the things which most thoroughly make for happiness. Obedience, unselfishness, consideration, self-sacrifice, thoroughness, accuracy, and honesty are not acquired without real striving. And yet they are essential to successful living.” (E.A.P. p. 27)

Posted on

EDUCATION: Are We Stuffing Sausage or Finding Pearls?

Written by Mildred E. Cawlfield

A group of Acorn parents, in discussing their concepts of education, used these words and phrases: unfolding; developing; uncovering; discovering; recognizing what’s there and providing opportunities for its expression; stating goals; establishing a foundation that integrates the spiritual, moral, intellectual, social, and physical; learning to look away from self; putting off ignorance and limitation. They decided that education is not adding something to the child, nor writing on a blank slate, nor waiting for a child to go through pre-programmed stages. 

One parent remarked that it is not so much like stuffing sausage into a casing as it is opening the oyster to find what’s there. 

What teaching methods, then, follow from this concept of education? If our goal is not merely to fill children’s minds with knowledge, we’ll look for methods which bring forth and reveal their limitless capabilities. 

The most powerful teaching method is the teacher’s recognition and acknowledgement of the child’s present intelligence, memory, discernment, strength, balance, grace, selflessness, etc. This awareness leads the child to see in himself, and to express these qualities. 

Suppose a child is behaving aggressively toward other children. If our first step is to see him as an expression of Love, we will be ready to say to him, “Show him your gentle hands. Hands are for loving and helping.” We can then show him how happy his loving hands make his friends feel. 

Perhaps he needs to acquire the ability to use verbal language. We will see him as the expression of all-hearing and all-knowing Mind and will continue speaking to him even before we get a verbal response. 

A number of studies in education have shown the value of expectancy on the part of the teacher. Teachers in one study were told that certain students were very bright and could be expected to show great gains. Though these children were chosen at random (unknown to the teacher), they did show much greater progress than other children in the class. This illustrates how helpful it can be to see and expect evidence of the great capacity for learning in each child. 

Another important teaching method is to show by example – that is, to model. Children’s quickness at picking up good ideas they see demonstrated shows the “do as I say, not as I do” approach as ineffective. Not only are parents and teachers constantly teaching language, customs, and courtesy by their actions, but children are learning much from each other. When they see other children being obedient, cooperating and sharing with each other, they are quick to follow suit. 

Parents and teachers encourage this type of learning when working with more than one child by noticing those who are doing the correct thing – i.e., “Amy’s helping me put toys away. Thank you, Amy” – or, “I like the way you remembered to say ‘Thank you’, Johnny. You’re welcome!” Also, one teacher or parent can remark to another, “Did you see how quickly Karen put on her jacket? She’s really speedy today.” Other children take notice of this kind of recognition and improve their behavior. 

It’s very important for parents to help older children recognize the importance of their role as teachers-by-example, and not allow them to grab toys from the baby or treat him roughly whether he objects or not. 

A third important teaching method is to observe where the child is in understanding and interest, and then to present opportunities to utilize his capabilities and interests to lead him to further understanding. For example, as Eric crawled about exploring objects, he would pick them up, study them, then give them a little toss, flipping them over in the process. We observed that he was probably learning something about the weight, composition, and motion of objects in this way, and so we chose toys from the Acorn toy library which responded to this type of action such as rattle balls and blocks. He showed sustained interest in rattle balls because they responded so well to his unique method of exploration. As he plays, we can tell him that this rattle ball is red and this one is yellow, and say, “See it roll,” and “Hear the sound it makes.” When he’s satisfied with what he’s learned from this method, he’ll go on to other discoveries and methods. 

As we observe, we see that Julia can match colors but doesn’t name them yet. We name the colors for her as she matches; then one day we ask for a red one or a green one and she gives it to us. Soon she’s telling us the colors. 

Craig repeatedly pointed to letters in books and looked up questioningly. We named the letters or words that were so interesting to him, and though we made no effort to “teach” him, he was reading very shortly after learning to talk. 

Learning takes place quickly and naturally when it follows the child’s leading rather than being imposed upon him. It also helps to see what the next steps in learning are and to present challenges that the child will meet successfully. As he builds success upon success, he gains confidence in his ability and continues trying. 

Rather than presenting a one-year-old at first with a complicated shape-sorter such as the Tupper Rattle Ball, we start with sequential shape-sorters that just have a round hole, go on to the ones with a round and square hole, and later add the others. Also, a way of simplifying a complex shape-sorter is to turn it to fit the shape the child is holding. 

With all this interest in the child and what he is doing, we need to remember another important method, and that is training – holding the child to right action. We thus help the child see that he can do what is expected. We not only need to see Jimmy as obedient, helpful, cooperative, courteous and selfless, and expect him to be so, but we must make sure that his actions demonstrate these qualities. 

If he resists or ignores loving, positive, expectant requests, this may mean picking him up and helping him do what he is asked; or, it may mean having him sit on a chair or in his room for a few minutes to do some good thinking. If we are loving, yet firm and consistent in expecting right behavior when the child is young, he will form habits which lead to self-discipline and dependability as he grows older. 

We parents learn so much along with our children, and the more we know, the more we see there is to learn. We shouldn’t be discouraged when challenges present themselves. In helping children learn, we sometimes seem to come to little hurdles (or big ones). Coming to a hurdle doesn’t mean we are failing as parents, but that we need to find the way to help the child jump over it. And, what a joy it is when we remember that we’re not “stuffing sausage” but looking to find pearls.

Posted on

The Power of Playdough—Additional Ideas for Playing with Playdough

Playdough

See recipe for homemade playdough.

  • Roll the playdough into balls, snakes, and snails
  • Poke and press things into playdough (uncooked spaghetti, feathers, straws, toothpicks, buttons, beads, googly eyes, pipe cleaners)
  • Make prints in playdough using leaves, shells, lace, and textured rolling pins
  • Practice cutting skills by using scissors to cut playdough
  • Make playdough monsters
  • Practice making letters, numbers, and shapes by rolling the playdough into snakes and then laying the snakes on top of letters, numbers, or shapes drawn on paper

Here’s a wonderful article explaining why playing with playdough is so important for developing skills in young children.

Posted on

Nurturing Creativity

Young children love to learn, and their curiosity is intense. Creativity opens thought to numerous possibilities for children and their thought expands when they are given opportunities to explore, think, imagine, and problem solve. Today, the concern is that we are teaching our children to be un-creative. 

As Christian Scientists, we know that creativity is a spiritual quality, a tangible asset that is given to us by God. Each one of us as a child of God reflects His creativity. “I am God’s child. I am capable because this is how God made me. I do not lack ideas. I am filled with His inspiration, and I can express this in creative ways. Whatever is possible to God, is possible for me to accomplish with His help.” (Author unknown) All God’s children are constantly supplied with original, productive ideas and the competence to carry them out. God has endowed us with His intelligence. It needs only to be put into practice. 

So, how can we help our children practice creativity? Foster process-focused art. Set up a maker space that allows your child to explore, get messy, and play without undue restraints. Clear the clutter – both mentally and physically, and invite your child to get involved in organizing and defining the space. Provide everyday materials such as markers, tape, crayons, scissors, and glue in an easy-to-access spot, like a low shelf or cabinet. Save recycled materials for your child to use. Include watercolor paints, finger paints, and offer brushes and interesting painting tools such as toothbrushes, potato mashers, feathers, and natural materials. Have lots of blank paper available. Make homemade playdough and cloud dough. Resist the temptation to make a model for your child. Adapt to your child’s ideas rather than trying to structure his ideas to fit your ideas. 

Open-ended materials, such as blocks, construction toys, cardboard boxes and scarves give children opportunities to be creative. Materials such as these can be transformed. When left alone, these materials do nothing in particular but they come to life in the hands of children as they are required to use their imagination. A block that is shaped and painted like a tree is more likely to be played with as a tree. However, a simple wooden block can be transformed into a multitude of things. While there can be value in having the tree-shaped block, open-ended materials enhance the play experience as they require children to bring themselves into the play experience in a deeper way. 

Creativity is a great asset in problem solving. Parents and teachers can help children by giving them time and support to solve their own problems rather than quickly providing solutions. A child can be encouraged in ways such as this: “I see you’re looking for your teddy bear. Where do you remember playing with it last? Yes, looking in your bed is a good place to check.” “It looks like you and your brother both want the same toy. How can we solve this problem?” (You may need to put the toy up during the conversation.) It may be helpful to offer some ideas. “We could set the timer and you can take turns, or one of you can find another toy, or maybe you can think of way to play with the toy together. What solution can you both agree upon?” As problem solving skills develop, children will be better able to resolve social conflicts, work through touch math problems, manage their own life with less adult intervention, and become more confident. 

One of the most important types of creative activity for young children is creative play. Creative play is expressed when children use familiar materials in a new or unusual way, and when children engage in role-playing and imaginative play. Nothing reinforces the creative spirit and nourishes a child’s soul more than providing large chunks of time to engage in spontaneous, self-directed play throughout the day. Play enhances social development, and dramatic play helps children experiment with and understand social roles. Through dramatic play, children learn to take each other’s needs into account, and appreciate different values and perspectives. Play helps develop each child’s unique perspective and individual style of creative expressions. 

Environments where children are supported in their eagerness to explore relationships and materials without fear or disapproval, where parents and teachers are prepared to unearth resources to satisfy children’s creative thirst to learn, are environments where creativity will blossom and grow. 

Posted on

Proper Demands: An Important Tool in Education

By Mary Kimball Morgan

In an undated paper apparently prepared for presentation to a parents’ meeting, Mrs. Morgan stressed the need for parents to support the school in making demands on the young people.
 
We are told that “training is the act of bringing one into a fit condition,” physically, mentally, or morally. Fitness of condition, then, is the result of a process of education. This process, through the elimination of all seeming handicaps and the development of all necessary constituent elements, brings mastery of the object desired.
 
The type of training necessary depends upon the specific end to be gained. If a boy shows marked ability as an athlete and desires to excel in this direction, he must place himself under instructors and follow obediently all rules laid down for his training. It means much hard work and many sacrifices of time and self-indulgent habits to accomplish the desired end. The successful athlete is usually the earnest, obedient pupil — the one who willingly practices what he is told, and who uses every opportunity to gain mastery over any sense of physical weakness or limitation. His object is the complete mastery of his body in some specific line of work. Devotion to this purpose generally ultimates in success. We are told by Mrs. Eddy that “there is no excellence without labor” (Science and Health, p. 457).
 
Every art must be developed through its own specific method of training. One may in early childhood show marked ability as an artist. The first childish sketches may give signs of great promise. To accept the gift as something already complete, needing no further development, would be to waste the talent bestowed by divine Love and would forfeit divine help. A musician, no matter how gifted, needs systematic instruction and discipline in order to perfect the wonderful art with which he has been endowed. A boy may have unusual business ability, but what father would be satisfied to place grave responsibilities upon the untrained thought, no matter what natural ability may be there?
 
It is a cruel thing to permit a girl or boy to waste any God-given talent. A gifted girl gives up her music because she is not willing to sacrifice her social pleasure to the time necessary for practice. Mother thinks it is too difficult a task to keep her at her work, and so the child throws away her precious gift, and the home — possibly the world — is deprived of the joy which might have been given through an appreciation of God-bestowed ability.
 
Why is it that we find only an occasional artist in any line? I do not believe it is so much a question of lack of talent as it is an unwillingness to take the training that develops the talent.
 
The same is true of the seeming lack of efficiency in every walk of life. So many men and women are spoiled in the making. Good material to begin with, they fail to make the most of what they have and are, because of resistance to the discipline necessary to success. Not only is there a resistance to the discipline given by parents and teachers, but there often is little or no attempt at self-discipline.
 
And yet, can we blame the girl or boy who takes the line of least resistance? Training should begin with birth. A child is never too young to begin to learn. Watch a young mother with her baby. See how soon that baby learns how to wheedle his mother into coddling or playing with him when he should go to sleep. Or if Mother is firm, that fact is soon discerned, and the wiles are hereafter turned in Father’s direction. Father has to be heroic indeed if he can withstand such personal popularity. It requires great fortitude to hold to Principle when the tempter is a winning baby, a fascinating half-grown girl, or a clever, manly boy.
 
Why are we so weak where our children are concerned? Why are we willing to indulge them in the very things which will spoil their manhood and womanhood? It takes courage to train our children in the things which most thoroughly make for happiness. Obedience, unselfishness, consideration, self-sacrifice, thoroughness, accuracy, and honesty are not acquired without real striving. And yet they are essential to successful living. When a child is born, no one knows what his talents may be. His career is not unfolded in advance. But there is one position in life for which he should be fitted — no matter what may be his special gifts. Every girl and boy should be trained for Christian citizenship.
 
Abraham Lincoln did not become President of the United States by chance. Through a peculiar fitness to meet the great need of his country, he rose to the highest point of honor it could bestow upon him. How was he fitted to do this great work? Through severe selfdiscipline, through improvement of every opportunity to learn, through obedience to Principle, through appreciation of every Godgiven ability, a steadfast purpose to keep himself pure, unselfish, and strong, an abiding love for God, and a deep love for his fellowman, Abraham Lincoln trained himself for service.
 
Isn’t this what we should bear in mind every day that we are privileged to deal with these children entrusted to our care? How dare we permit them to be willful, insubordinate to instruction, indolent in the carrying out of their duties, careless about their studies, disrespectful to their parents, heedless of their own character building, and irreverent toward their Father-Mother God!
 
The parent who loves too much to countenance inaccuracy, insincerity, subterfuge, laziness, frivolity, selfishness, and irreverence will reap the fruit of such training in the well-ordered lives of the young men and women who will take their places in the community trained for service to God and man.
 

Our whole duty to our children is to loosen the bondage which false belief would place upon them and to help them to find themselves possessed of only those qualities derived from their relationship to their Father-Mother God.

This paper appears in Education at The Principia, pp. 35–37.

Posted on

Babies and Values

by Mildred E. Cawlfield (former director of the Acorn program)

When do babies start learning about a parent’s values? Would you believe — before they are born? If not, probably soon after. There is indication that before birth, babies hear the music we hear and hear our tone of voice. They probably also sense our emotions. From the moment they appear in our experience, our children undoubtedly benefit as we strive for higher values. 

In the early weeks, if babies’ cries are responded to understandingly, they feel the presence of the love indicated by that caring attention and usually will cry less in later months. If they sometimes have to wait a bit because mom is busy with another child or other important tasks, they can learn the need for patience. They learn that they can fit unselfishly into family life. If they are fed periodically—between three and four hours for a bottle-fed baby, and sometimes a little less for a nursing baby, they learn the value of order. On the other hand, if they are picked up and fed every time they make a little fuss, they may learn that mom is a pacifier, and they may get used to instant gratification. Parents can strive for a balance, based on principle and love, that gives babies a sense of the qualities their parents value. 

Parents can let their infants assume the natural responsibility for getting themselves to sleep without becoming part of the process by feeding or rocking them to sleep. Then the babies are more self-confident and happy. When they awaken in the night, they can settle themselves back to sleep without crying for help. 

Another area where babies can take responsibility is in determining how much they need to eat. Babies show healthy attitudes about eating when they are not urged by over-concerned parents to eat more than they need. If parents provide good food at appropriate intervals, babies have the ability to regulate the amount they need to eat. 

Some babies seem anxious to get moving and may fuss at parents to sit them up, put them in walkers, stand them up, or walk them around. If the parent gives in to these babies’ demands too frequently, the babies will not spend enough time practicing the crawling skills required to get themselves into the positions they urgently seek. Babies can learn independence and self-control if the parent will talk to them and comfort them from afar, at times, rather than giving in to their constant demands. 

Parents can lay the foundation for trust and honesty by always telling the baby when they are going to be away. When babies become keenly aware of the difference between the familiar caregiver and a substitute, they may cry when the parent leaves. Parents may then wish to avoid a scene by slipping away without telling the baby they’re going. This can relieve the parent of an unhappy episode at the time, but the caregiver has to comfort the baby who suddenly discovers the parent is gone. If this occurs regularly, the baby may become more clingy because he won’t know if or when the parent will leave. If the baby knows the parents will always tell when they’re going to be away, he may not like it, but will trust the parents and learn the important family rule that we always tell each other where we’re going to be. At our Acorn play-ins, parents separate from their children every two weeks for a one-hour seminar. One toddler, who was feeling especially attached to his mom for a while, would comfort himself by repeating, “Mommy’s in seminar.” Then he’d happily go back to playing. 

Babies do observe everything their parents do, and from the beginning they gain the foundation for accepting the parents’ values, so it’s never too soon to give thought to the values we’re transmitting. (MEC)

Posted on

Safeguarding the Innocence and Purity of Our Children

Children are often exposed to a variety of things that we, as parents, would prefer they did not see or experience. But these occasions can be changed from difficult experiences into growth opportunities if we take the time to explain the larger picture to our children. The child can then use this information to assimilate other experiences, even if the parent is not present to interpret for him. 

Home can provide a pure atmosphere for children. By practicing the Golden Rule between parent and child and between brothers and sisters, children learn how people should treat each other. When parents let children know by their words and actions that they love them and sincerely desire to give them the best they’re able to provide, the children recognize that their parents care about them deeply. Then when the parent needs to take a firm stand, to say “no” to some want or to refuse to yield on an issue, the underlying integrity of the parent-child relationship eventually allows the child to understand the parent’s decision. 

Throughout history, religious training has taught young people to develop clear perceptions about right and wrong. Families with deep roots in the Bible help children discover a basis for unselfish action. Children who learn to pray daily at home can feel comfortable speaking to God in their private thoughts at any time and in any situation. School can provide skills that will benefit the child in many ways, but the child’s wholeness is recognized and cherished mainly by the family. 

Parents often resolve to safeguard their children from early exposure to violence. Be alert to the subtle ways error tries to enter in. All too often, children’s videos, cartoons, and electronic games contain amusing violence which begins to pave the way for desensitization to more overtly violent programing aimed mainly at older children. It’s important to watch shows and videos with your children and to be very familiar with the electronic games and apps they are using on all devices. 

While visiting friends, children may be offered the opportunity to view TV programs and videos that a parent would not allow them to see at home. Parents can anticipate the problem and do some training. Often it’s instructive for the child to think through how he will tell a friend he cannot watch a certain movie or video. Should he call his parent? Should he talk with the friend’s parents? If a parent finds out that a child viewed something inappropriate, it’s not too late for the child to become aware of the parent’s wishes. 

From TV and neighborhood friends also comes the barrage of aggressive toys. Some families are divided about having guns at home, and often compromises can be reached. For example, squirt guns and Nerf Blast-A-Ball might be permitted at home, but toy guns that are made to look like weapons that kill may not be permitted. 

Vicarious killing and violent images are found in video games. Children playing the games will frequently be heard to say, “I’m dead.” Boys appear to be targeted for this type of entertainment more than girls, with fast cars, jet planes, martial arts, and conquest as principal themes. “As parents and teachers, we must so train the thought of our youth that they may readily detect for themselves the right from the wrong, the real from the unreal, and we must inspire them with a love for that which lifts thought above the sordid, material view of life.” (Education at The Principia by Mary Kimball Morgan, p. 13) It is our parental duty and responsibility to continually monitor the video games our children play, guide them in right game choices, and limit the amount of time they spend on their devices. Set ground rules with your children and hold your children accountable. You might use a timer to limit the game time and expect for all homework to be completed before recreational use of the computer or i-Pad is allowed. As a family, you might choose to favor outdoor activities, reading, board games, and construction toys. 

According to statistics, more than 98 percent of American homes have televisions. The current generation raising children was brought up in homes with televisions, and many have not looked at the medium critically. Seeing commercial TV from a child’s innocent viewpoint can change adult perceptions about its being “harmless.” Two-year-olds will often ignore TV until the (louder) commercial comes on and captures their attention. But in homes with large-screen televisions or where the television is used as a babysitter, even younger children may be drawn into the TV habit. 

It can be helpful to form a TV philosophy. Having the TV off except for intended viewing is often a first step to controlling its use. Some parents set standards for what their children are allowed to watch and video record programs that they consider acceptable for viewing. When the children are older, a time limit is set for 1/2-1 hour per day after homework is finished. 

Decisions about the place of TV in the home begin with mom and dad sitting down together to think through the problems that might result from TV watching. Older children in the family should be included. Each family member’s thoughts should be candidly shared and compromises reached. Programs or news broadcasts that a young child is not allowed to watch should be recorded for later viewing. The lock-out feature can be helpful for families with cable or satellite TV. You might plan a “Movie Night” for special shows that the whole family enjoys together. Helping children develop a critical view to what is worth watching can enable them to be more selective in later years. 

When children venture beyond their own yards to play, parents still have a hand in supervising and monitoring their activities. Even when the child is older, it is helpful for parents to ask: Do I know the families my child enjoys visiting? Have I met the parents? Am I comfortable with their standards? Am I aware of the types of play our children share and the type of language they use? Have difficulties during playtime been solved equitably so that older children are fair with younger ones? 

Home is the place where children form their ideas about who they are. From modeling their parents and learning from them by their example and guidance, children grow in their ability to make decisions about how they view the world, what they think is funny, how they relate to others, and what they value in life. A strong foundation of trust and love allows the child to keep communication open with the parents. 

Through each encounter with challenging situations, children can be taught to cherish their own innocence and purity. When parents work with children from the time they are small, cultivating the natural love for what is good and pure, their efforts are rewarded. Spontaneous joy, expectation of good, receptivity to all that is lovely, characterizes the child of God. A firm spiritual foundation, provides our children with the strength to stand up for what they know is right and to feel comfortable with the values they have been taught.

Posted on

Preventing Power Struggles

“Say you’re sorry,” Cara’s mom was repeating. “You have to sit here until you can say you’re sorry.” Cara was determined to out-wait her mom, and her mom, who knew the importance of following through to teach obedience, was beginning to wish she hadn’t made the demand. She had just put herself in a no-win situation. Finally, the mom said, putting her arm around Cara, “Come with me, and I’ll apologize for you, because I think that will make your friend feel better.” 

There are many times in parenting when we are anxious to have our child do the right thing, but inadvertently find ourselves caught in a power struggle. It’s important for the parent to exercise authority and expect obedience, but power struggles teach resistance to the very practice we’re trying to encourage. 

There are certain areas in which the child can always have the last word and it’s fruitless to lock horns in these areas. A parent can’t force a child to go to sleep, to eat, to use the toilet, or to say what he doesn’t want to say. That’s why these are key areas for discipline problem-solving. 

Have you ever found yourself making any of these practically unenforceable statements? “You can’t leave the table until you take that bite.” “If you don’t take a nap, we’ll have to call off your party tonight.” “Keep your pants clean or else…” “Say please, or he won’t give it to you.” 

Let’s look at some alternatives. The key is to see what the real learning goal is. Is it not to have the child want to do what is right, rather than just to perform or obey? Generally, the more force or human will that is used, the more resistance may appear. It’s helpful to see that we’re not mediating one human will against another, but both seeking the divine will to obey. 

Often prayer is the very best answer. This is particularly true in the case of power struggles. Here is an example: 

A mother reported that her child, nearing three, was potty trained but continued to squat in the corner to do his movements in his pants or a diaper. She had done everything she could think of to do – offer rewards, make him help clean up the mess, talk to him about the need to be grown up. She wondered if it would help to withhold desired activities that his siblings did, because he was not showing that he was big enough. 

The question was explored, “What does he need to learn?” It came out that perhaps this was a power struggle he felt he needed to win. If that was the case would withholding activities intensify or reduce the power struggle? The mother decided to eliminate the struggle and not scold him when he dirtied his pants. He could wear diapers if he wanted. She told him that when he felt bigger and was ready, he would use the potty. And she prayed to see that he was under God’s control, not governed by human will.

One night shortly after, he was ill; and as he was nearing his third birthday, it came to her to pray to see his spiritual, immortal nature. She prayed until she felt a sense of peace about his God-given perfection. The next morning, he was completely well, and he came to her and said, “Potty, mommy.” 

“Where?” she asked, looking around. He took her to the toilet and proudly showed her where he had done his movement. 

If the issue is not a power struggle, other approaches may be appropriate. One possibility is a temporary reward plan that helps your child get over the hump to see that using the potty can be a better way. The action will vary according to what the child needs to learn. 

What are some ways of helping a child want to use gracious words? Of course the most important way is to be an example when talking to the child and to others in his presence. Then let him know how you and others appreciate gracious words. And, when you talk to your child, be sure to bend down to his level and talk eye-to-eye. 
• “Did you see Sara smile when you said, “thank you”? (or when I said ‘thank you’)? That’s a gracious thing to say.” 
• “I like it when you say ‘please.’ I feel like helping you right away.” 
• With an arm around both children, “Justin’s crying because you pushed him. What can we do to make him feel better?” You may need to suggest a gentle hug or say, “There are some words that will help. ‘Justin, we’re sorry Cara pushed you. I don’t think she wanted to hurt you. I know she’ll try to use her gentle hands after this.’” 

Power struggles can be prevented if you remember clearly the goal. Here are some probable goals in key areas: 

  • In eating, the goal is not to get the food down the child, but to help the child be receptive to trying new foods. The goal is not to get the child to be a plate-cleaner, but for him to learn to judge how much he should eat to satisfy hunger. 
  • In sleeping, the goal is to help the child form habits of regularity and to feel peaceful about his sleep experience. A parent can tell the child he doesn’t need to go to sleep, but when it’s bedtime, he must stay in bed. 
  • In toilet training, the goal is to help the child feel pleased about his maturity in his ability to use the toilet – first at our suggestion at appropriate times, then also when he feels the need. 
  • In speaking (apologizing), the goal is for the child to learn and want to use gracious words that will make others feel happy and comfortable. 

Power struggles will diminish when we see that the object of discipline is to teach the child, not punish him. Punishment flaunts the parents’ power over the child, whereas natural and logical consequences help the child feel responsible for his actions. The way a request is stated can make the difference. This is an example of punishment: “I can’t stand that noise! Go to your room!” This is a logical consequence: “We need to have it quiet here. You may be quiet and stay here or go to your room to make noise. Which do you choose?” The parent will need to follow through in either case and take the child to his room if he continues to make noise, but in the latter case the child would be told, “I see you’re choosing to make noise in your room. We love to have you with us. You may come back when you’re ready to be quiet.” With punishment, the child feels you are against him; with logical consequences, the child feels that you are on his side against the wrong-doing. 

A better start to the preceding scenario might have been to say in the beginning in a very soft voice, “We’re having an important conversation here. I know you’ll play quietly with these toys.” Then give him positive attention from time to time appreciating his ability to play quietly. Stating the expectations and then encouraging cooperation, generally prevents the need for consequences. 

If we fly off the handle and say or do something we wish we hadn’t (and we do from time to time), we can still teach the child by modeling humility and apologizing. We won’t back down on enforcing appropriate limits, but we can help the child learn how to make amends, restate calmly the expectation, and end with a hug. 

If used too frequently and arbitrarily, rewards can emphasize an adult’s power. Likewise, encouragement rather than praise empowers the child. For instance, “I like the way you are doing that” (praise) is better than the global, “Good boy!” or “Good girl!” but if overused, may imply to the child that he is behaving just to please us. “You really managed that well!” or “You worked hard to finish that puzzle!” gives encouragement without strings attached. 

Manipulation on the part of either the parent or the child is exercising power, and a power struggle may ensue. The adult must exercise authority, but the power should come from principle rather than will. The child can understand if the parent wants to do what is “right,” and children take comfort from the consistent enforcement of fair rules. 

The statement to a child, “I love you, so I want to help you do what’s right,” helps him to understand our role as parent. Power struggles are avoided as we eliminate anger by seeing our need to teach, to love, and to hold the child firmly to right actions.